A good start would be to seek an experienced and supportive counselor for yourself, if you haven't already. As the advice at the start of every airflight states, "In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."
Thank you for your reply! This has been such an incredibly alienating and lonely situation. As terrible as it is to know others are and have gone through it, it is comforting to not be alone.
I do not intend to have any more children with him. At the time he was in an intensive dbt program I saw a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. That was short lived.
I am looking for a therapist but I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. Should I find someone who works with borderlines for myself or should I be looking for something else? I am honestly on page one act one of self care here. The last 8 years were all about him and then about him and my kids, joined by this group is the first thing I have done for myself.