8 years of marriage and two kids, I don’t know if I can keep going

[Nutellaandhoney]

Hi all!

I am feeling very lost. I am 8 years into a marriage. My husband has BPD. He wasn’t diagnosed until the 4th year of our marriage, after he got psychiatric care and attention for years of secret drug abuse. We have two children under the age of 3. He currently works and I care for the kids, the home, and try to disentangle the messes of our lives created in the last 8 years.

8 years ago I had an amazing job. I was a runner. I travelled and had close friends. I would go out and experience life, go dancing and just do things.  I wrote and created art. I felt good about myself and my life. Now I do not.

I know that this is not all his fault, but I fell like supporting him and dealing with fixing the wake of his chaos episodes month after month, year after year has fundamentally changed me. I know that having children has also changed me. I just feel so trapped. I don’t even know how to approach dealing with this. He always says he loves me and that he is going to change. That he needs time and is overwhelmed, but each year I lose more and more of myself and become less and less.

I don’t know if these are the right words. I’m just reaching out here to see if anyone else feels as trapped and alone. If anyone knows where to start rebuilding. Thanks. 

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  Here you will find many who have walked before you down this difficult but necessary path to reach the light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.  We have a wealth of practical wisdom and insightful approaches and strategies.  Browse the other posts here and ask your questions.

When I first arrived here it was with a preschooler.  I had hoped that by having a child my then-spouse would find joy in seeing her child discover life.  That backfired, I didn't realize that having children doesn't fix major mental health issues, it just makes everything vastly more complicated.  (Looking back, I see now that her childhood issues with her stepfather sabotaged me when  I morphed from a husband to a father image.)  With that concept in mind - about the risks of having children in a dysfunctional marriage - you would do well to avoid having any more children with your husband, at least until you determine whether your marriage will survive.

A good start would be to seek an experienced and supportive counselor for yourself, if you haven't already.  As the advice at the start of every airflight states, "In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."

[Nutellaandhoney]

A good start would be to seek an experienced and supportive counselor for yourself, if you haven't already.  As the advice at the start of every airflight states, "In an emergency, put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others."

Thank you for your reply! This has been such an incredibly alienating and lonely situation. As terrible as it is to know others are and have gone through it, it is comforting to not be alone.

I do not intend to have any more children with him. At the time he was in an intensive dbt program I saw a light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. That was short lived.

I am looking for a therapist but I don’t know what I’m looking for exactly. Should I find someone who works with borderlines for myself or should I be looking for something else? I am honestly on page one act one of self care here. The last 8 years were all about him and then about him and my kids, joined by this group is the first thing I have done for myself.

[ForeverDad]

One thing that we've collectively discovered (or had to face) is that we can't fix others' serious issues.  Yes, we could support any improvement but we can't do the fixing.  The person with Borderline traits (pwBPD) has to do the hard work toward recovery.

An insight into BPD pathology is that it's a disorder of close relationships, which is why people with casual contact or on the periphery aren't exposed to the brunt of the dysfunction.  And this is a reason why we tried for years but were never able to find success... the individual is sensitized to us and our efforts trigger actions, reactions and overreactions.  They cannot or will not get past the emotional baggage of the relationship.

They too would benefit from long term intensive therapy but experienced therapists know they can't have an emotional connection with a patient.  With BPD traits, there is often strong Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting in addition to a variety of poor perceptions and behavior.

This is why - if the person doesn't stick with meaningful therapy and apply it in all facets of life - many marriages and relationships fail when needed boundaries and skills are put in place.

[PeteWitsend]

...
I don’t know if these are the right words. I’m just reaching out here to see if anyone else feels as trapped and alone. If anyone knows where to start rebuilding. Thanks. 

I also felt that way in my marriage.  I've been separated for about 6 years now and divorced for 5.  My uBPDxw took steps to isolate me from my friends and family, and openly bragged about this once, when we were discussing divorce. 

In addition to seeking help for yourself (I also did this and it was helpful), I would see an attorney.  You can just pay for an hour consultation without having to put up a retainer.  This helped me see a way out; BPDxw would often make threats about how she'd take our daughter and limit the amount of time I would get to see her.  After talking to an attorney, I realized this was nonsense, and by default, I'd get more time than BPDxw was implying. 

To avoid feeling overwhelmed, whatever you decide to do in the long term, know that you can break things into smaller steps. 

In our house, I had caught BPDxw throwing my things out or otherwise destroying things - family photos, presents from my family, etc. - and I was concerned that if we divorced, she'd trash some of my stuff that was irreplaceable (heirlooms, photo albums, etc.), so I got a storage unit, paying cash monthly, and quietly moved things out here and there, months before we actually divorced. 

If you are going to do things like this though, be sure to keep it secretive.  As bad as that sounds, remember who you're dealing with; pwBPD are very paranoid & their behavior is extremely one-sided and selfish with respect to their personal relationships. 

I had been on the receiving end of so many angry outbursts, had my words twisted or misrepresented, etc., that I wasn't concerned any longer about whether keeping things from my spouse was "ethical" or not... I was in self-preservation mode.

After a certain point, loyalty to your partner becomes a losing game; they don't reciprocate, so why should you?  You realize loyalty has to be earned, and shouldn't be offered. 

[PeteWitsend]

Whatever you decide to do, understand that divorce is a huge step, and as such it can seem overwhelming.  If that is the right thing for you (and your children) don't allow the size of the step to paralyze you into inaction.  Break it into smaller steps.

Personal therapy can help you establish yourself mentally, take ownership of your own feelings and emotions, and disentangle them from the pwBPD & their "opinion" of what you must be thinking and why.

Legal advice can show you the physical path forward toward a life away from the pwBPD, and help you plan how you'll live, how much money you'll have, who gets primary custody, and your parental rights. 

Once you see the path ahead, you can decide if walking down it is the right decision for you (and your children).  You don't have to, of course!  It's up to you to choose when to do it. 

I saw a therapist a few times two years before I eventually filed for divorce, and I saw an attorney a year before I did. 

When I felt I had all this worked out in my head, I set a boundary of what I was not willing to tolerate anymore, and when BPDxw crossed this boundary and told me she'd divorce me unless I apologized, I said "okay," moved out and filed for divorce.  We had been through this routine before, and normally backed down and gave her an "out" for her temper tantrums and abuse, so I think it shocked her that it actually ended when it did, but I quickly saw how vindictive she was, and that dispelled any guilt I may have felt for leaving. 

It hasn't been easy (we have a now-older child together) but I am much happier being able to live my life more-or-less how I want to, given the circumstances.