I'm 10 months in from the separation, yet I still feel hopeless and broken. Not intending to be dramatic, but I can't envision being able to have trust in other people going forward.
It's not dramatic - it's very, very natural to feel like this.
I'm still harboring so much pain and anxiety from my exBPDw's cheating and her lack of regard for me. The way she treated me as if I were completely replaceable with no effect to her has left me very confused, even still. I've been feeling so worthless.
She has made you feel worthless. I totally understand.
You are not worthless tho.
If you had been in a relationship with a healthy person, you would feel very, very differently.
It's difficult to accept that right now tho.
What she did is on her. It has nothing to do with you.
The crux tho - is that your happiness cannot depend on others.
You must strive to be enough for you.
Self worth & Self esteem come from you. Not from anybody else.
I've been having a difficult time making connections since all of this. With anyone. I can barely open up to family members anymore.
I turned completely inward for a while.
Threw myself into gym and work. Meditated. Maintained gratitude journals.
Focused on me.
My fears are that people with BPD are just an unfiltered version of most of us--and that most people never feel truly happy in their relationships--and nothing is ever enough. I really do feel like I'll never be enough for someone.
People with BPD are more like (extreme) children, rather than adults.
I don't think anyone feels happy all the time in a relationship - like anything it has up and downs - it takes work and commitment to making it work.
Rather than worrying if you are enough for somebody else - ask yourself, are you enough for you?
If you were the hero of your own movie... .what would you do?
I don't want to be so negative. I don't want to be so judgmental. I'm sick of assuming that all women would cheat, just because my exBPDw did.
How the hell do I get away from this dangerously isolating bias that was instilled in my brain?
How do I relearn faith in people?
It takes time, work and patience.
But it doesn't last.
Actually, when you enter a healthy relationship - you will more than likely have an appreciation for it, which other people just take for granted.
My self defense mechanism is in overdrive and keeping me quiet and alone. I acknowledge that this fear is unreasonable, but I don't know how to change it.
I know exactly how you're feeling. I went through this also.
It's a much, much smaller problem than what you believe it to be currently.
It's quite common for people who experienced a relationship with a disordered person to feel the way you are feeling. It just mightn't be as discussed as frequently, since people tend to be focused on the intense pain that follows in the aftermath, rather than the repercussions for the non, which can reverberate for quite some time after.
I would definitely advise you to speak to a counsellor if you've not done so yet.
When I started seeing a new counsellor, I had a list of 36 concerns that I wanted to discuss.
I think I got through about 5 of them before, the rest just faded away over time... .
The relationship with the BPDex shook my very foundations of reality and I questioned everything.
I genuinely thought I was broken - and thought I would be incapable of having a relationship in the future.
Well, next week, I'm in a new relationship, as long as the relationship with the BPDex lasted.
I don't have anxiety or paranoia.
I don't have trust issues.
Not so long ago - I could have written what you wrote, word-for-word.
You
will get through this.
