Help

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 Hello,
I have been in a relationship with my partner for the past 12 years.  It has been a rollercoaster ride and I have left the relationship twice and went back twice.  I have always been hopefull that things would get better, as he promised, but now I am ready to leave for good this time. We have been in therapy many times but the same behavior keeps occuring. I always knew that there was an underlying reason for his behavior but never could quite explain it.  After recent events, I starting reading about emotional abuse and  borderline personality disorder.  WOW!  The lists of traits is exactly what I see in him.  Now I feel he suffers from both of these illnesses.  I need to end this relationship but I am hesitating because I know how angry he will be.  I have so many thoughts going on in my head because my family, friends and co-workers have all seen me go through this relationship and the ups and downs that have come with being in this relationship.  I know I just need to take the plunge.  Please help!

[Close to leaving]

 Hello,
I have been in a relationship with my partner for the past 12 years.  It has been a rollercoaster ride and I have left the relationship twice and went back twice.  I have always been hopefull that things would get better, as he promised, but now I am ready to leave for good this time. We have been in therapy many times but the same behavior keeps occuring. I always knew that there was an underlying reason for his behavior but never could quite explain it.  After recent events, I starting reading about emotional abuse and  borderline personality disorder.  WOW!  The lists of traits is exactly what I see in him.  Now I feel he suffers from both of these illnesses.  I need to end this relationship but I am hesitating because I know how angry he will be.  I have so many thoughts going on in my head because my family, friends and co-workers have all seen me go through this relationship and the ups and downs that have come with being in this relationship.  I know I just need to take the plunge.  Please help!

[kells76]

Hi Close to leaving and

It makes sense that after 12 years and no meaningful changes that you would decide to close this chapter of life. Untreated PDs are so challenging and make healthy relating very difficult.

I need to end this relationship but I am hesitating because I know how angry he will be.

Tell me some more about that. What does it look like when he's angry? Is there something you're afraid of for yourself, or for him? Given that (by definition) you won't be living together any more, what is it about the likelihood of him getting angry that brings you hesitation?

I have so many thoughts going on in my head because my family, friends and co-workers have all seen me go through this relationship and the ups and downs that have come with being in this relationship.

I'm curious about this, too -- are you reflecting on things your friends and family have thought or shared over the years?

...

You're in a good place to plan and process the end of your relationship, with others who really understand that this probably won't be a boilerplate "we just grew apart, let's stay friends" kind of ending. There can be nuances to ending a PD relationship and we'll be here for you on your journey.

[Close to leaving]

 I am afraid of his anger, because whenever I have left in the past, he has made it very uncomfortable by yelling, slams doors, , pressed me about when I will be out, gives me the silent treatment, etc, etc, etc.  Am I afraid for my life?? Not really, but I am really not sure what he is capable of.  He has never threatened me but I just don't know what to expect.  He has made me look like a terrible person to his children, to friends, tofamily and I know I should not care about that but it does.  I know this is the best thing for me to do, but it is very overwhelming.

[kells76]

Definitely overwhelming, that makes sense. Many people with a pwBPD in their lives say that the anger is the most difficult thing to cope with.

Just to make sure I'm tracking here:

whenever I have left in the past, he has made it very uncomfortable by yelling, slams doors, , pressed me about when I will be out, gives me the silent treatment, etc

does that mean that when you return, he does those things? Or that he does those things while you are gone (perhaps over the phone)?

...

Making a plan for leaving can help. How are your relationships with your family? Any thoughts on where you might live after moving out?