CC43
 Online
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 383
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« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2024, 10:51:45 AM » |
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Hi there Storm,
I agree with you and the other poster that if you are in distress about your daughter and her relentless blaming of you, that you need to prioritize your own well-being. I presume that your daughter is well into adulthood now, and so she's responsible for resolving her own issues. I imagine that you've tried to validate her and apologize to her numerous times for things that might have transpired long ago, but she's unwilling to listen and to move on. That's her problem, not yours.
I bet you understand that her anger isn't your fault, that you're not to blame for your daughter's ill feelings, and yet you are still the object of her anger, and it infects you, invading your thoughts for an extended period. Your daughter is probably an expert at pushing your buttons, which might make you feel needless distress and guilt. At the very least, you're tired of the same old story, the endless accusations of purported abuse (which typically aren't entirely based on fact), and the inability to move on. You might wish she would just let go of the past, and let bygones be bygones. But, maybe you could do the same? Could you try "letting go" of your distress? Maybe you say, you can't change the past, but you can find contentment with the present and look forward to a peaceful mind in the future. If she lashes out at you, your boundary could be to think something along the lines of, I can't change the past so I'm not going to worry about it anymore. I've done enough worrying about my daughter, and it hasn't done me or her any good, so I'm not doing that anymore. If she sends a mean text, it doesn't deserve a response, so delete it, and with that, delete it from your mind as well. If she's yelling at you on the phone, you might say, "If you're going to yell at me, I'm going to hang up," and if she continues, say, "Bye," (and say "Bye" to the conversation in your mind, too). Just take her nastiness as a sign that something else is going on in her life right now that she needs to deal with, not you.
On other posts I've explained how I think that BPD engenders a victim attitude in its sufferers. If BPD is untreated, the stresses of daily life are simply too much for her, and she can't handle the resulting overwhelming emotions. The emotions need an outlet, and she will typically unleash her ill thoughts onto loved ones, especially her parents. In her mind, she can't process exactly why she's in distress, let alone find the energy to tackle a problem. She feels out of control, and like she doesn't have agency in her own life. To cope, she dredges up ancient slights from childhood, in a misguided attempt to blame YOU for all her current problems. She believes that an abusive childhood--one where you were unloving, threatening and invalidating--is the reason for all her current feelings of stress and overwhelm. She's so invested in the victim identity that she can't let it go, because then, who would she be? Whom could she blame for her own troubles? Sadly, she may never find a satisfactory resolution.
Having said all that, I think it MIGHT be a good sign that she's seeking therapy. Maybe she's trying to address her overwhelming emotions. While it may be true that therapy didn't work so well for her in the past, maybe that was because she wasn't ready for a change. It's hard to be sure if she's really trying to change now--maybe she recognizes that something is wrong, but she still thinks that everyone else has to change, not her. I'm somewhat sympathetic, because change can be hard and scary, two aspects that are incredibly difficult for someone with BPD. Anyway, I wonder if your daughter might have found a good therapist whom she trusts. That could be a step in the right direction. It may be that the therapist suggested family therapy, because BPD is in essence an social-emotional condition that deeply affects relationships. And it may be that, if you attended a therapy session, your daughter would spend most of the time accusing you of purported past abuses. But maybe the therapist would see a few positives: that you were trying to support your daughter in developing a healthy relationship, that you didn't blow up in rage in response, that you added your own perspective to the situation. Maybe you see something positive, too--you confirm that your daughter is fixated on telling stories about an abusive childhood, which means you're probably right about what she's dealing with, and her problem isn't something else like drug abuse, an unwanted pregnancy, infidelity, domestic violence or financial ruin. Maybe your daughter is focusing on finding "resolution" of past issues, even if her notion of "resolution" is to "punish" you. Maybe the therapist appears to side with your daughter, but the therapist might do that to build or retain her patient's confidence. Maybe you might think that a therapy session was a waste of your time, but it could be part of a building block for your daughter. Therapy for BPD typically takes months or years, and it could be hard to perceive material progress in just one session.
I'm just saying this because my stepdaughter has BPD, and she asked her dad to attend some therapy sessions jointly with her. Initially, my stepdaughter didn't take therapy very seriously--a clear sign was that she would frequently skip scheduled sessions. But eventually, she decided to take therapy seriously, and this was the phase when she had some joint sessions with her dad. My husband says that though the sessions were intense, he thought the sessions were helpful to her. Though she did retread some well-beaten paths of past slights from childhood, he said that he had a better idea of "where she was coming from;" recognizing her perspective was a first step in the healing process and getting some sort of "closure." In addition, I think he added some of his own perspective, and helped to clarify some fact patterns with the therapist. Now, I'm not saying my stepdaughter is fully "cured." However, getting even partial "closure" about her childhood helped her move forward a little. She's less obsessed about the past and is spending more time looking forward these days. When she gets stressed, she does tend to regress to the victim attitude, revisiting the story of an "abusive childhood" that she maintained for so long. However, she's able to adapt her thinking better now.
All my best to you.
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