estranged, reach out?

[Winniethepoo]

I am wondering what do in times of estrangement from my daughter. I am not seeing her because she became physically violent and I feel unsafe. She is seeking therapy. Do I send messages just making sure I care about her and her well being? I have only received angry messages from her since incident. Or do I just wait until she reaches out? I have no idea what to do. My instinct as a mother is to make sure she knows she is loved, even though I am not accepting of her behavior. Do the messages of love just make it okay for her, since she already sees herself as the victim? I have sent a text message saying I loved her, want the best etc. I'm just not sure if I do that daily, not at all, sporadically?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Winnie,

I think your gut will guide you about the right level and frequency of contact.  I tend to think that you're on the right track, in wanting to reassure your daughter that she is loved.  Even if she has BPD and she has issues, that doesn't mean she'll ever stop being your daughter, and that you'll ever stop loving her.  Maybe you send a short, light text every so often, like, "This beautiful fall day reminds me of your beautiful smile.  Hope you have a great day."  I'd recommend reaching out on birthdays and holidays, making sure to wish her well, so that she knows she's in your thoughts.  If you feel comfortable, you might invite her to family gatherings, so that she doesn't feel excluded.  But I'd caution against expecting a reply, let alone an apology.  I think she'll reply only when she's ready.  And if she lashes out with a hate-text, well, just take that as a sign that something in her life isn't going how she wants right now, but at least she's alive, and maybe by displacing some of her anger onto you, you're in effect helping her cope.  I'd also advise against mentioning her issues, or the violent incident, or that she's getting (or needs) therapy, because that can be a trigger.  Surely she knows this, and she probably doesn't want to be reminded of it over a text, as she might feel deep shame that could put her in a downward spiral.  If you're estranged from your daughter right now, my sense is that a daily text might seem overbearing.  Maybe a text every fortnight would feel more reasonable to me.  But it's hard for me to judge, because I don't know what sort of frequency of dialogue would be considered normal for you two.

If your daughter is resolute with her victim identity, that you abused / tormented / humiliated / alienated her throughout her childhood and adult life, and that you're the one who caused her to be violent, then you might brace yourself for a negative reaction.  When she receives a text from you, she might twist it to fit her victim narrative:  "My mom is sadistic, she's trying to control me, that psycho, if she thinks she can send this fake lovey-dovey message and pretend to make up for years of her unending abuse, then she has another thing coming . . ."  And then she might send a nasty reply, saying she hates you for all the horrible things you've done to her.  If this happens, I guess you won't be surprised--it's the same old story from your daughter, she's still seeing everything through a negative lens, and she still has a lot of work to do.  I know it's heartbreaking, but that's BPD I'm afraid.   You see, I think that when she says she hates you, and that you've done horrible things, what's really going on is that she hates herself, and that she's done horrible things, which she's releasing, or projecting, right back onto you.  She blames you because she's not ready to apologize, let alone accept responsibility for herself and her own life choices right now.  If that happens, then what I'd do is reach out only on major holidays, to give her plenty time to work on herself, while not seeming overbearing, and yet, reminding her that she's remembered on special days of the year.  Does that make sense?

[Winniethepoo]

Thank you CC.
Yes, I received a nasty reply to my " I love you" text. I am going to send a text every few days. She has a support system and professional help. I am wondering how we will get through the holidays. Everyone is on edge watching her recent downward spiral. It makes even people close to her nervous about being in her orbit. What a terrible disease.

[bloopy]

Hello.

What has she said to you in regards to your estrangement? If she has told you she does not want contact, its really important to respect her wishes. Showing her respect for her wishes is the first step in showing that you value her and her opinions (even if you don't agree with them).

If you want to leave yourself open as a safe place for if she ever does feel like reconnecting , then you might want to consider sending her ONE really thought-out email.

In the email, state that you love her and you will always be there for her if she ever reaches out, but you will respect her decision for no contact. If she has criticized you, try to take responsibility for what you have done wrong without justifying it, or defending it (even if it is justifiable). Don't criticize her behavior (even if she owes you an apology). The purpose of the email isn't holding her accountable or sorting out your problems, it's about making her feel, seen, respected and safe. Anything that makes her feel judged, manipulated or disrespected is going to cause her to shut off even more. This is what she needs right now. When she is in a better place, you may be able to have a more two-sided relationship, but right now she is not capable of that.

Then respect her decision, and do not contact her. Work on your own health and happiness. Respect her own healing needs and process. Do not expect her to contact you (she may or may not do this), and learn to accept this lack of contact, and find happiness in other ways.

If she ever contacts you with straight out abusive messages, tell you you would love a relationship with her, but it needs to be based in respectful communication, then do not respond to further abuse.

If she contacts you with accusations, don't deny them, validate her feelings, try to understand where she is coming from , and be honest and very generous in taking accountability for when you have made a mistake. Make it clear that you care about her feelings and perspective and respect her even if you don't quite understand her perspective. She needs to feel safe with you. Invalidation is something she sees as unsafe, so it's better swallow your pride until she feels safe to acknowledge her own flaws.

I wish you all the best, you are clearly a really loving and supportive parent.

[js friend]

Hi Winnie

Iam in 4 years estrangement with my udd. I dont have a phone number for her because she changes it so often and I have never sent her cards, letters or gifts because I think it would fuel her anger towards me even more, plus she knows my handwriting and I dont think she would even open them. I did pluck up the courage to go to her house a few years ago but it was more to see my gc if Iam being honest and udd sent me on my way very quickly in a very angry tone. I actually expected that  it would go much worse for  and thought it over for many weeks but it was something that I just needed to do and I couldnt rest until I had done it. That was my experience. Yours may be different. I think its best to always prepare for the worse but hope for the best.....The worse for me was expecting to get cussed out...and the best was that she even opened the door knowing that I was on her doorstep.

[BPDstinks]

hi!  I am so sorry you are going through this!  I have been struggling with THIS for over a year; my 23 y/o pw BPD flat out said, "you're constant interaction is not helping with my healing; I will reach out when I am ready"; since THAT message, I text maybe once a month; i mail cards, I have figured out she will talk to my mom, so...last Christmas I left her gifts at my mothers (she did not pick them up for months); I mail her a card, with gift cards for every holiday (she will text if she needs something); I am so afraid of NOT reaching out ENOUGH (one time she said, "why did i give up on her" (that was before the do not contact text); so...it is a very very fine line; as the holidays approach, I wonder if I should "up" my game, however, I am also afraid of "pushing" that edge

[Sancho]

Hi Winniethepoo
Been mulling over your post and the replies for a while now. There is this fine line we walk all the time - wanting to support etc, and one tiny step too far and it all triggers off in a way we all know so well.

One thing I have found is that DD can't handle me saying things like 'love you', 'thinking of you etc'. It's a real dilemma because
a) we are drawn into an intense emotional space - 'nobody cares', 'everyone hates me' etc
b) we try to relieve this pain by trying to express our love, support etc
c) my DD responds with a tirade

The only way I can make sense of it is thinking that my words set off a spiral in DD head of 'how could you possibly understand? You don't know a thing about how I feel and it's all your fault. If you loved me you would solve all this pain, and you don't, so don't keep saying that!!

Does anyone else find that words of consolation get a negative/hostile response?

[js friend]

Yes telling my udd that I love her would defiantly infuriate her yet she will often end a call or write in cards to my mother "love you", and also with new romantic partners its all about being in love and loving them.
I think she genuinely doesnt feel love (not towards me anyway) so she cant really appreciate the sentiment. She is also not a hugging kind of person and has told me that she doesnt want to be hugged and actually finds it unpleasant. I think the last time I was able to hug her she was around 11yo.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!

In reading this...I am wondering if I am going about things wrong! I send BPD once a month....I miss you...(I am in a unique predicament that I still receive some of her mail, so, I mail them TO her with a little note, "I miss you & I love you" (but...I DO!) I always feel like I am afraid of this coming back to "bite" me....that BPD is going to accuse me of NOT reaching out...sigh....I wish there was a rule book!

[Sancho]

Have been thinking a lot about this question. I do think that something regular is a good idea - and not too often. I like the fact that BPDstinks has a reason to make contact once a month.

Irregular contact can really upset things - as I think contact too often can.

The other thing I have been mulling about is what to say. To be honest in my case I have found avoiding anything personal works much better. I try to think of something - a bit of news, local or not really seems to work best. Perhaps DD doesn't feel she is the focus of my attention when I do this and s more likely to engage? Not sure why.

I find myself making mental notes when something that might interest DD crops up - mental note to use that next time!

'I miss you', 'thinking of you', 'hope you are okay' etc all trigger rage.

Just a thought , , ,