Getting ready to leave

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am a older male in a 20 year marriage with my uBPDw. We have one adult kid who lives independently and a teenager in HS. I knew nothing about BPD and spent 20 years coping with the stress, instability and constant chaos until I could withstand no more and went to a therapist for the first time (individual therapy for me not couple's counseling as my wife has never agreed to it). My therapist confidently told me within the first 3 sessions that my wife has BPD. That is the very first time in my life that I heard the term BPD which was about a year ago. Since then I have been reading a lot in forums, books (eggshells) and educated myself more on BPD to try and cope better. More recently I discovered about her infidelity in the last year and this also coincided with the increase in her verbal, physical and mental abuse/harrassment toward me over the last year. I was like a deer caught between the headlights until I learnt about her cheating which explained the increase in abuse. the cheating occurred in plain sight but she had gaslighted me so well that I was blinded to it.

I am getting ready to file for divorce, talking to lawyers and feel fearful and scared for how I will tell her, how she will react, how do I minimize the impact of subsequent reactions on my kid, how much custody can I get, how do i shield him from  all the drama, will I be able to manage this process and come out ok in the other end protecting my kid.

Many questions keep popping in my mind. I hope to have the strength and resolve to carry through to the freedom and peace of mind on the other side of the divorce.

I would appreciate any words of advice from those who have gone through a divorce with a BPDx after a long term relationship.

[awakened23]

I am a older male in a 20 year marriage with my uBPDw. We have one adult kid who lives independently and a teenager in HS. I knew nothing about BPD and spent 20 years coping with the stress, instability and constant chaos until I could withstand no more and went to a therapist for the first time (individual therapy for me not couple's counseling as my wife has never agreed to it). My therapist confidently told me within the first 3 sessions that my wife has BPD. That is the very first time in my life that I heard the term BPD which was about a year ago. Since then I have been reading a lot in forums, books (eggshells) and educated myself more on BPD to try and cope better. More recently I discovered about her infidelity in the last year and this also coincided with the increase in her verbal, physical and mental abuse/harrassment toward me over the last year. I was like a deer caught between the headlights until I learnt about her cheating which explained the increase in abuse. the cheating occurred in plain sight but she had gaslighted me so well that I was blinded to it.

I am getting ready to file for divorce, talking to lawyers and feel fearful and scared for how I will tell her, how she will react, how do I minimize the impact of subsequent reactions on my kid, how much custody can I get, how do i shield him from  all the drama, will I be able to manage this process and come out ok in the other end protecting my kid.

Many questions keep popping in my mind. I hope to have the strength and resolve to carry through to the freedom and peace of mind on the other side of the divorce.

I would appreciate any words of advice from those who have gone through a divorce with a BPDx after a long term relationship.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

Just wanted to let you know I'd read your post and I'm sorry you're going through this.

I don't have first-hand experience with exiting a long-term relationship with someone with BPD, so I'll leave that specific advice to some of the other members here, but I have had experience in a romantic relationship with someone who appeared to hit all the markers for BPD, plus two other people in my extended family. So I'm familiar with the difficulty these relationships present and the emotional upset/confusion that come as a result.

It's good that you've been educating yourself, and writing out your thoughts here can be so invaluable as you're working through this process. There are a lot of people here who will know how you're feeling. And many, including myself, who have found the freedom and peace of mind you're speaking of.

I take it you're still living at home together, with your son? Is your wife aware that you know about the cheating? How are things between you at this moment in time? And what are her typical reactions during conflict?

[awakened23]

Seekingtheway, Thank you for your kind words. Yes we are still living in the same home. I have not confronted her, yet. I need to get my ducks in a row and be prepared to protect my son and myself as I cannot control the turn of events after any such confrontation. She may gaslight  me or fly into rage that I discovered this. She has been in a charming mode, love bombing me over the last few weeks as it looks like her affair has fizzled out. And then she started splitting and raging more recently because I am have been trying to stay calm and neutral in emotion. Every day starts with not knowing what is in store in terms of emotional stability in the home.

[Pook075]

I would appreciate any words of advice from those who have gone through a divorce with a BPDx after a long term relationship.

Hey Awakened and welcome to the family.  I'm really sorry you're going through this because I know first-hand how much it stinks.  My marriage was 23 years and like you, I discovered my wife was unfaithful...or at least preparing to be unfaithful.  When that happened, everything changed and things became ultra hostile out of nowhere.  I was clueless what was going on.

The most critical advice I can give you is pointing out that this will be a process going forward, not a singular event.  Will you leave or will she?  Is counseling even a possibility?  What are your state laws on divorce....is there a waiting period during separation?  Think about the bare basics for now and try your best not to tackle the big picture.

One thing I'll say that most would disagree with- regardless of what happens, this process is a billion percent smoother if you and your wife can openly communicate.  Even if it's 100% over, you'll still co-parent for life and the legal process can get extremely ugly.  The more you can find common ground to communicate on today, the better it will serve you long term.  Don't burn bridges, not yet anyway, and get legal advice as soon as possible.  They'll help you game plan.

Finally, don't forget about yourself in this process, as silly as that sounds.  Your emotional needs matter and counseling wouldn't be a bad idea.  We've all been there and it helps.  Also lean on friends and family; they won't get it sometimes but that's okay.  You need support and you'll need to fill the void as this process moves forward.  Start thinking about that now.

Just let us know if there's anything more specific we can answer for you.

[zondolit]

Leaving my BPD/NPD husband after nearly two decades of marriage was the hardest thing I've ever done. From this side of divorce, things are so much better, and the children (three and all still at home) are better too. I feel a lightness and gratitude every day.