Alienating

[Nana1]

Hi my 28 year old daughter has bpd. She gets meds and therapy for awhile and then stops. She has my only 2 grand children and I love them so dearly. She is a single parent (due to her mental illness), so I am the children’s constant. I have them every day (if my daughter has a job) that has been a problem too. I thought I had boundaries but today she texted me that she was going to take kids to fire hall and runaway. I immediately called and said I would take them and she said I was toxic. I went to her apartment she wouldn’t answer door and I couldn’t hear the children. I called the police for a well check. I know I shouldn’t have but I was scared and not thinking right. She now has told me she and the children will be moving out of state and I will never see them again. She has alienated all family but me. I’m just a wreck today. It’s soooo hard in depressing. I can’t talk to family because they don’t understand and usually make things worse. Have any of you had this experience or something close?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[js friend]

Oh Nana1 Im so sorry you are going through this with your dd.

I have been estranged from my udd and my 3 gc for 4 years now so I totally understand the pain and shock you are feeling right now. I used to also care for my gc on a regular basis until my udd decided to go nc, and I was even there for the 2 eldest gc's births so when they were ripped out my life it was truly devastating.  If it means anything I think  that you did the right thing to contact the police for a wellness check and I would have done the same. Does your dd have any friends that you can call to see if they know anything?

[Nana1]

That’s part of the problem. She’s alienated everyone.

[js friend]

Hi again Nana1,

I would go back to the police again and report your dd and grandkids as missing especially as she is classed as a vulnerable person if she takes medication and also has mental health issues. Once my udd went missing and I contacted the police and they were able run a vehicle number plate recognition on her car. It spotted her car but they couldnt tell me where she went, but at least I knew she was still alive.

[Nana1]

Thank you very much. I will do that. I feel like she will come around but it’s a roller coaster. It feels better to know others have been through this. Thanks again

[Sancho]

Hi Nana1
It is a few days now since your post and I am wondering if there is any change? Also what is fire wall?

Has DD ever moved away from you and refused to allow you to see them? Also how old are the children?

In my case DD took gd on several occasions to move in with her when she had a new partner. I was frantic the first time but just waited. It wasn't long before gd was back with me. The next time it happened I was still anxious - but then it became a pattern.

Not a good situation, but DD couldn't cope without my support.

I wonder if things might the same in your situation?

Thinking of you. It is such a stressful time in a generally stressful and challenging ongoing situation.

[CC43]

Hi Nana,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  I think you did the right thing by calling for a wellness check, as your daughter seems unstable and she has small children.  You mention that your daughter is talking about running away, and also of leaving her kids at the fire station.  I bet she feels stuck in her current life situation, and she wants to escape it, believing that if she changes her home situation things might get better for her.  My stepdaughter, who is diagnosed with BPD, often talks about moving away, believing that if she just got a another fresh start (financed entirely by my husband and I), she'll feel better.  Yet she doesn't seem to realize that she herself is the reason for her problems, and that by moving away, she can't escape herself.  Worse, by moving away, her access to her support system--her parents, her therapist, her doctors, some college resources--would be in jeopardy.  Today, she relies heavily on her support system to survive.  She probably resents that, but it's reality.  We've talked about her moving away a few times, and the conclusion is that if she tried to move away on a whim, she'd likely not survive.  She's reminded of the few times she tried to live semi-independently in another city, and she failed miserably.  In a way, she's still highly inexperienced about the practicalities of living on her own, not understanding what's involved in full-time work, signing a lease, obtaining health insurance, using public transportation and managing a checking account, for example.  This effectively makes running away an unrealistic option for her.  She tried moving in with a boyfriend once, but that turned out to be a disaster, and I don't believe she wants to relive that again.  So even though she might currently feel "stuck," her current situation is nevertheless much better than when she lived far away.

Unless your daughter has found employment somewhere else (which sounds very unlikely given your post), her most realistic escape route would probably be to move in with another man.  Maybe it would be easier to do this if she left the kids behind, but I bet there's an element of her trying to hurt YOU by threatening to abandon the kids, rather than let you have them.  This may be one of the only ways she exerts some control over you, as she probably feels powerless.  At the same time, she likely wants to hurt you, to let you know how much she's hurting, and to punish you, to blame you for her miserable situation.

If your daughter does try to move in with someone else, it sounds like that probably wouldn't last very long--she's alienated everyone else in her life, right?  She'd likely end up back with you, similar to the scenario that Sancho describes.  Or maybe she's just threatening to move away, in a misguided attempt to hurt you.  She might fantasize about this, but she might also have enough sense to realize it's not feasible for her.  It could be a cry of frustration, anger and retribution all wrapped up in one threat, misguided though it is.

I guess there is some hope for her, as she has tried therapy and medications, and she has at least a little work experience.  I know it can be hard to stick with a healthy regime when her emotions are all over the place.  Being a single mom comes with many daily pressures, and it's understandable that she might come unhinged sometimes.  I think the key would be for her to  embrace change with therapy, so that she can start to feel better.  Do you think she wans to change?  Or is she still set on blaming others for all her problems?  She might have to "hit bottom" before this happens.  Or maybe she's making some progress, and relapsing a little under pressure.  Does that sound about right?  I think she's incredibly lucky to have you.

[Nana1]

Thanks for the reply. I don’t think she’s totally hit bottom yet. I do feel like she is trying to hurt me (Using the kids). It is so helpful to know that others are going through this too.(although I wish none of us were). Thanks again