How to maintain my relationship with my BPD husband AND family and friends?

[MindfulBreath]

My husband and I live in a very remote area overseas, and so I rarely get to see my family and friends who live halfway across the world. His family also lives far away, but he isn't close to them (mainly because of his traumatic childhood). He also doesn't have any close friends. I am it. I didn't realize how jealous, angry, and insecure he would become when witnessing my interactions with other loved ones. I am understandably jubilant when seeing people I love dearly, and it sparks his feelings that I don't give him enough emotional or physical validation. We had a summer with many more visits/interactions than usual, so I was able to identify this pattern, after not really noticing it before. But it's gotten to a point now where it feels like he wants me to choose between him and them. My best friend came to stay with us and he picked massive fights with first me and then her - and now they aren't on speaking terms. I am absolutely furious with him. Now that she's gone, he's happy and loving again and I'm having a really difficult time letting go and forgiving him.

Being social and engaging with my support network is VERY important to me, which I have communicated to him multiple times. However, unconsciously, he just doesn't seem to be able to not fall into a rage whenever I am around someone else that I love who is not him. I recently told him that I'm fearful I will have to lead two lives - one with him and one with them, which I do not want. But I also refuse to taint my limited opportunities to visit with friends and family with his negative attitude, rage, and possessiveness.

Does anybody have any advice on how to integrate their BPD person into their family and friend group with minimal conflict? It currently feels impossible.

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family- this is a super tough topic and I'm so sorry you're going through it.  Let me ask a few quick questions that might help others give you more precise answers:

1) You're in a remote area overseas- is your husband from there?  Or are you?  I'm asking to see if you're both in an unfamiliar environment or just one of you.  For example, I'm in the Philippines with my wife, who's from here and knows everyone.  I'm the foreigner who has to figure out how to fit in.  Just asking if one or both of you are going through that.

2) How often are you seeing friends and family?  Is this a once per year type of thing or are folks stopping by fairly regularly?

As for navigating these types of situations, you must find a compromise where he feels validated but you also get what you want.  This will be a process of trial and error over time, and each new person (or group) may be different in how your spouse reacts. 

But we do know that the root cause here is jealousy and we can relate to feeling jealous...so what would you want your partner to do for you in those situations?  Think it out from that perspective and it will give us a great place to start.

[MindfulBreath]

1) You're in a remote area overseas- is your husband from there?  Or are you?  I'm asking to see if you're both in an unfamiliar environment or just one of you.  For example, I'm in the Philippines with my wife, who's from here and knows everyone.  I'm the foreigner who has to figure out how to fit in.  Just asking if one or both of you are going through that.

2) How often are you seeing friends and family?  Is this a once per year type of thing or are folks stopping by fairly regularly?

Thanks so much for your response and for your words of welcome!!

To answer your questions, neither of us is from here (Indonesia). We are also considering a move to another country that is where neither of us is from, but after learning more about BPD, I am scared of the stress that will add to the relationship... In terms of visit frequency, it's only a couple of times per year (either people coming here or us traveling to see them). Is it selfish of me to no longer want to integrate him into these visits because he becomes so unpleasant and will punish me later (rages, silent treatment, withholding affection, etc.)? It feels like since he will punish me anyway, I might as well not have these visits tainted with the extreme negativity and awkwardness that he seems to inevitably bring. Sigh. I am clearly still really angry - I can feel it in my own words. I have tried to put myself in his shoes. He says he's going to travel without me and go see friends and family, and I actively encourage it. I really wish he would make friends and give certain members of his family a chance! But he doesn't end up doing it - and it feels like it's probably just a test to see if I will try and stop him from going as opposed to a real intention. It's tough because I have always been extremely independent (something he says he loves and hates about me), and I yearn for us to have full individual lives as well as an amazing life as a couple.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Mindful Breath

I can relate to this because my BPD husband and I emigrated twice, once in 2019 and again in 2021, both times to places where we had literally no connection and both times because he was unhappy where we living before. The effect of this was that we became completely isolated, which was extremely damaging to both of us. I think your instinct to think long and hard before moving to another country is good.

Maintaining a strong support network is really important for anyone who chooses to remain in a relationship with someone with BPD. It can also be extremely tough to do, because they have such a strong tendency to feel threatened by any relationship we have that is not with them.

I think the anger you describe is because a boundary (limit) is being crossed. You articulate your boundaries very clearly in your post and you have explained them to your husband, but he is not respecting them.

Being social and engaging with my support network is VERY important to me

Emigrating is incredibly stressful, and stress tends to exacerbate BPD symptoms, so it's not surprising that it is surfacing now.

Are you either of you in therapy or getting any couples counseling at all?

 

[MindfulBreath]

He has been in and out of therapy a few times over the course of our relationship (5 years together), but has a hard time prioritizing it/doesn’t see the inherent value. Any time he has started to go again after petering out comes after a particularly bad split where I essentially tell him it’s over unless he gets, and maintains, help. We have also been to a couples counselor where I brought up a sensitive topic to have a mediator present and he had a split and ended up raging, telling me that I was probably going to f*ck one of my male clients, etc. He then fired the therapist because the sessions were too triggering. I actually still see the therapist on my own, because it’s the only professional who has seen our dynamic in action and understands what I’m dealing with. This therapist keeps reminding me that I did choose this and keep choosing this relationship daily - so how will I protect myself emotionally and maintain my boundaries?

It just breaks my heart because I yearn to not have to worry about having to protect my heart from my husband. I want this to work, but man - it is so hard!! How to have true intimacy with someone so unpredictable and vicious with their words?

[50andwastedlife]

I don't have any answers, but I entirely sympathise with your situation. My dBPDh also gets jealous, angry and insecure about other relationships I have. He feels excluded from my family, and occasionally can feel excluded by his own children. He only really likes my old friends to come and visit us and for him to have some ownership of them; otherwise he feels excluded. He also hates me to know anyone successful as it triggers his feelings of inadequacy and humiliation - he wants a full debrief of any interaction I have with other people, looking for the negatives. I have learnt not to talk about anything positive in anyone else's life, which feels unhealthy and probably perpetuates the problem. Sorry, that's all about me!

I just really related to you saying how you yearn not to have to protect your heart from your husband. I hope there is a way.