need help, sudden breakup without warning

[alcmene]

 

I am in a crisis state (my own issues are PTSD and Severe Depression). I've been in a serious, committed relationship for 2 years to a BPD man (I am female). Things have been really good. He has doted on me from the beginning. He waits on me hand and foot, always wants to please me, very affectionate, does a lot of the chores to help me. Lately, we've been trying to figure out where we want to go with our lives. We know we don't want to live here. We've lived together in my house for over a year since he sold his house, his boat, and we got rid of a lot of our stuff to fit into my house (which we plan to sell also). We are both retired (I am recently medically retired due to my PTSD and am now financially dependent on him). We recently found property in Hawaii that we wanted to buy. We've been in talks with the hawaiian realtor, lenders, and our financial advisor to find a way to purchase this property and live our lives out in paradise. We were both very excited about this.

My therapist has agreed to talk to both of us about communication issues we have. Basically, there is a big issue with him being very hypersensitive to perceived criticisms. Very innocuous statements he views as personal attacks and gets very upset. So I find it very difficult to know how to talk to him because I literally have no idea what statement will upset him next. He will get very defensive or give the silent treatment, and then I get upset at his reaction to what I see as everyday conversation.

So we went to my therapist to talk about this. This is the 2nd time my therapist has offered to do this for us. My partner was very willing to do this. On the way to therapy, we were talking about the hawaii property and my partner asked if I'd add his name to my house in order to help us get a loan. We got to therapy and talked about a recent argument we had. The topics of these arguments to me, again, are no big deal. But they get blown totally out of proportion due to his sensitivity and perceiving everything as criticism. -And just to give an example, he eats his over-easy eggs by cutting them up with a knife until they are totally minced up. My mom saw this one day and laughed and asked why he doesn't just eat scrambled eggs. That upset him. He saw that as an attack and lashed out at my mom. Even today, a year later, when I point out this example to him to help illustrate the problem, he still sees nothing wrong w/ his reaction.

Recently, when he was angry over one of these perceived slights, he lashed out and said a lot of hurtful things that I see as attacks on my character. Things like "you're selfish," "you're mean," "you're condescending" "all the time". This was very hurtful to me, and he's never said things like this to me. It made me feel like he has a low opinion of me as a person and until that moment, I had always thought the opposite based on how he dotes on me and waits on me hand and foot and how affectionate he always is. So in therapy, I tried to make him understand the difference between saying you don't like something someone did, an action or inaction, vs general statements about someone's character. He doesn't seem to understand. The whole original argument was because I said he didn't have my back on a situation and that bothered him a lot and he reacted. He doesn't see a difference between my statement of him not having my back, and his statements of character attacks against me. I feel hopeless in trying to get him to understand these basic issues and this pattern that keeps repeating.

We left therapy and things seemed ok. Our nightly routine was the same as always, he gave me foot rubs, and we went to bed. The following morning, he had an appt at the VA for headaches and left while I was asleep. When he got back, I could tell something was very wrong. I literally thought he was dying and was dx with a brain tumor or something. I kept asking what was wrong. He then said that while he was at the VA, he decided to go see a psychologist and that he's not happy in our relationship, he feels hopeless, he had hope but after last night's therapy session, he no longer has any hope, he's suicidal, and he's leaving me. I was in total shock. We literally went from trying to buy our forever property in hawaii, to breaking up in less than 12 hrs.

From there, things got really bad. He was trying to get out of my house as fast as possible. I wanted to talk. He was very manic, pacing around, couldn't sit still. He made more negative comments about my character. I was crying, and he was very cold and callous (not like him at all, this was someone I had never met before). He'd swing from saying all these negative things about me, to asking if we could fix our relationship. Meanwhile, I'm asking for specific examples of what I did wrong because how can I answer his question when I'm literally totally in the dark about what I've done? How do I fix something when he hasn't said specifically what the problem is? He couldn't give a single example. I tried to show him that he was reacting, again, to a perceived criticism due to our therapy the night before and that this is the very problem with this relationship. We can't talk about or work on our issues because he reacts like this if anything gets brought up, even in a healthy, therapeutic environment.

He started saying, "if I leave, you'll commit suicide, if I stay, I'll commit suicide." (we both have issues with suicidal ideation). I had hidden his gun 2 weeks earlier due to another argument we had, and I was worried about him doing something. Turns out he had, he told me, taken his gun, loaded it, gotten in his truck with the intention to kill himself. He has threatened to kill himself in the past due to our relationship problems (in the very beginning, 2 yrs ago) and his brother took his gun away then, but he bought another.

He ends up calling police on me, saying I'm suicidal. I left to get away from him and this whole situation. I returned the next day and reviewed the surveillance cam and saw that he told the police he heard a gunshot (clearly untrue). And I honestly don't know if he was lying and trying to have me locked up, or if he was hallucinating. Again, he's never behaved like this in our 2 yr relationship. And we've been together 24/7 this whole time. I was starting to wonder if he was having some sort of psychotic break. (his sister is schizophrenic).

I then noticed that his gun, which I had hidden in the attic 2 wks ago, was missing. He had mentioned being suicidal during all this craziness the day before, so naturally, I was concerned. He hadn't been back to our house, and he hadn't contacted me. I figured he was at his mom's, so I called the police there, and the VA. They went and checked on him.

Meanwhile, he started deleting me from his life. He changed his address, he removed me from his beneficiaries, and he started looking at houses (local) to buy (I have access to his computer and can see his browsing history). This was all in less than 24 hrs. The cops informed me that he was living with his mom now and didn't want me to know that, and that he'd contact the police in about a week to arrange a time when they could be present while he moves his stuff out.

Days went by and I've been a complete mess. I can't cope at all with this. Being discarded literally overnight without any warning or reason. I don't feel like I did anything to deserve this treatment. I don't know what to do because everything was planned out as a life for us together. I medically retired because he said he would help me, and now I can't afford to live, and I'm also not functional enough to work again. He helped with so much around the house, and I just can't go back to living alone. My life was so bad before I met him, and he helped out so much. And for the first time in my life, I had a man who actually cared about me.

I started reading a lot about BPD splitting and trying to figure out what was going on in his head and what I could do to help. I didn't know if I should reach out or not. I started analyzing the things he did say before he left and thought that maybe he was seeking reassurance. He had made statements like, "it seems to me that if you really loved me, you'd be telling me the good things you like about me instead of the things I'm doing wrong." Well, obviously I wasn't in the state of mind, at that moment, to do that, given the circumstances. He said he felt unappreciated. He felt like I have a low opinion of him (he says this a lot when he's upset). I told him that wasn't true.

Ultimately, I decided to send him a few short texts last night (4 days later), showing support. I said I loved him, I'm worried, I'm here if/when he wants to talk. And I took responsibility for some of the things he complained about, which I do realize are things I need to work on, like admitting when I'm wrong. He didn't respond until this morning. He said he appreciates my messages, he needs time to think, he has therapy tomorrow and then would like to meet with me. I haven't answered. I don't know what to do next. I'm waiting to talk to my therapist to figure out how to proceed.

On one hand, I don't want a life without him. I can't go back to the life I had before him, it was intolerable (and now would be a huge financial struggle on top of it). But now how do we repair all this damage? How do I trust him again? How do I not assume that he'll run out the door at any moment? And can we ever resolve these communication/hypersensitivity issues?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[kells76]

Hey alcmene  and welcome to the boards -- glad you landed here and are ready for some support and understanding.

Definitely a lot going on in your life right now. It's good to hear that even with all the moving parts and uncertainty, you have a therapist, your partner has a psychologist, and your partner is willing to work together with you and your T. That's important.

My first thought is of course safety. While right now you can't control what he buys/has/does in terms of firearms, it might be wise to temporarily store any firearms at your home elsewhere. Maybe a trusted friend could babysit your firearms for a period of time (or maybe there's another legal setup you can do in your state). Things sound volatile and unpredictable right now, so making things safer just for the moment could be a wise move.

What I think I'm hearing going on with him is: he feels really invalidated, makes huge bids to be heard, and has now gotten a lot of space for himself.

I'm not suggesting that "he was justified to feel that way" or "the way he tried to be heard was OK" or "he's being functional in how he gets space". I am suggesting that if BPD is involved, then it can be really difficult for pwBPD to accurately express their intense feelings, in measured ways.

He's making pretty big moves to get his needs met.

First of all, if BPD is in play, then he's extra sensitive to invalidation (not just "perceived" invalidation but true invalidation). Stuff that someone without BPD could maybe shrug off, is pretty impactful to him, and that's a feature, not a bug, of BPD.

Second, again, threatening suicide isn't a functional way to try to be heard, but setting to the side for a moment what he said, the structure of what he was doing was making a bid to be heard/understood/validated. "Can't you understand that I'm in a lot of pain", maybe -- but in a low skilled way.

Third, he may not have many skills for regrouping with you and repairing in any traditional sense. We often picture couples, after an argument, coming back together later that day and "talking through what happened". If BPD is going on, then he will take longer to get to a baseline than someone without BPD. He may not even have awareness of this, but him taking off to his mom's kind of makes sense. He has a need to regulate/get back to baseline and few skills to do so. Instead of saying "babe, I need some space to process all of this, so I'll be at my mom's place until Friday and I'll text you that evening", he does a huge escalation and takes off.

Again, behind the low-skill actions and words, he may be communicating: "I need some space to regulate (I'm just not good at doing it)".

Ultimately, I decided to send him a few short texts last night (4 days later), showing support. I said I loved him, I'm worried, I'm here if/when he wants to talk. And I took responsibility for some of the things he complained about, which I do realize are things I need to work on, like admitting when I'm wrong. He didn't respond until this morning. He said he appreciates my messages, he needs time to think, he has therapy tomorrow and then would like to meet with me. I haven't answered. I don't know what to do next. I'm waiting to talk to my therapist to figure out how to proceed.

That actually sounds positive, all things considered.

My thought is that if you do choose to meet with him, I'd be prepared to do a lot of listening.

You both didn't get here overnight -- two years is significant -- so it may take time and hard work to turn things around. I wouldn't expect or hope to "resolve everything" in one meeting. Maybe find a way to be OK with not resolving a lot of loose ends (house, moving, etc) right away. If he doesn't experience feeling heard, this cycle might repeat.

One important way to really hear a partner is through stopping being invalidating, and being truly emotionally validating. It's not intuitive stuff at all. Our knee-jerk impulses are generally to explain ourselves, to "point things out" to partners, to "try to get them to see", etc... and those are all inadvertently invalidating.

We can workshop a good example here -- and again, this stuff is not intuitive 

I started reading a lot about BPD splitting and trying to figure out what was going on in his head and what I could do to help. I didn't know if I should reach out or not. I started analyzing the things he did say before he left and thought that maybe he was seeking reassurance. He had made statements like, "it seems to me that if you really loved me, you'd be telling me the good things you like about me instead of the things I'm doing wrong." Well, obviously I wasn't in the state of mind, at that moment, to do that, given the circumstances. He said he felt unappreciated. He felt like I have a low opinion of him (he says this a lot when he's upset). I told him that wasn't true.

It makes sense that you responded the way you did. Of course you want him to know that you think highly of him!

As odd as it sounds, that was accidentally invalidating. If we go back to what he communicated, he expressed that he felt like you had a low opinion of him -- he expressed a feeling.

When he hear "that's not true babe, I love you and want to be with you!" (or something like that), instead of hearing what you so wished he could hear -- that you actually think well of him -- he heard "the way you feel is wrong and I don't understand it". Not what you intended, I'm sure.

A validating response to "I feel like you have a low opinion of me" could be:

"Oh babe... that sounds so painful".

Notice that that isn't agreeing that he's correct; it is putting yourself in his shoes. If you truly thought he hated you/despised you/had a low opinion of you, how would you feel?

...

Anyway, that's a lot to start off with! I'll pause there for now. I wonder if your T might be a good resource for you to practice less invalidation/more validation? Because I think if these two questions of yours can be answered:

On one hand, I don't want a life without him. I can't go back to the life I had before him, it was intolerable (and now would be a huge financial struggle on top of it). But now how do we repair all this damage? How do I trust him again? How do I not assume that he'll run out the door at any moment? And can we ever resolve these communication/hypersensitivity issues?

it'll be through validation.

Lots of food for thought... hope some of that is helpful. We really get how difficult and shocking this is, and I hope you can find some time to take care of yourself today.

[alcmene]

Thank you so much, kells! Your explanations helped me tremendously. This forum helped me so much since I found it today. I felt really grounded reading through people's posts and seeing all the similarities. I also feel a lot better now that my SO is responding to texts (but I'm keeping them at a bare minimum to allow space).

Just to add to the history, we had a very rocky start to our relationship. We were on/off as I kept breaking up with him when I'd find that he was lying or keeping significant secrets after I made very clear from day 1 that those are deal breakers for me. Every time this would happen, he would pursue me endlessly and try to get me back. However, he wouldn't really take responsibility for what he'd done and he'd expect me to feel sorry for him because I broke up with him, but he didn't feel sorry for hurting me with the lies/secrets, knowing what a huge deal that was to me.

This went on for 3 months and during that time I realized he had BPD. He didn't know. But eventually I said I'd only consider giving him another chance if he read a BPD book I suggested and went to therapy. He read the book, agreed that it described him, highlighted and bookmarked sections of it and agreed to therapy. He did a 10 week intensive outpatient therapy (I think 3x a week for 3 hours each, and daily homework). He came clean to me on all the lies and secrets and some new ones I didn't know. And from then on, the last 2 years has been pretty smooth sailing except for the sensitivity/communication issues. So this is the first time I'm dealing with the splitting. But it makes sense, given his relationship history (4 marriages, only one of his relationships lasting beyond a year I think). But he hasn't really followed up on any other therapy since back then, 2 years ago. But fortunately, he is open to it.

He's making pretty big moves to get his needs met.

First of all, if BPD is in play, then he's extra sensitive to invalidation (not just "perceived" invalidation but true invalidation). Stuff that someone without BPD could maybe shrug off, is pretty impactful to him, and that's a feature, not a bug, of BPD.

Second, again, threatening suicide isn't a functional way to try to be heard, but setting to the side for a moment what he said, the structure of what he was doing was making a bid to be heard/understood/validated. "Can't you understand that I'm in a lot of pain", maybe -- but in a low skilled way.

This is what I've been thinking a lot about. I haven't done a good job understanding or supporting his needs and he hasn't done a good job expressing them. I found a local support group for family of people with mental disorders and I was going to the first meeting tonight to learn how to better help him but the group ended up being canceled tonight. But I intend to follow up with that.

My thought is that if you do choose to meet with him, I'd be prepared to do a lot of listening.

I ended up texting him back that maybe it'd be better if we met in front of a therapist and that maybe he should ask his therapist tomorrow what she thinks of that idea. He agreed. I'm really afraid to talk to him one on one because I'm afraid it'll just turn into another situation where he gets really upset over whatever is said. And I'm not convinced that a therapist will even help with this because the reason we're in this is because of him being upset about the things said in the last couples therapy session. But I don't know what else to do.

You both didn't get here overnight -- two years is significant -- so it may take time and hard work to turn things around. I wouldn't expect or hope to "resolve everything" in one meeting. Maybe find a way to be OK with not resolving a lot of loose ends (house, moving, etc) right away. If he doesn't experience feeling heard, this cycle might repeat.

I think this is going to be incredibly difficult to get past. There's been immense damage done. On top of it, I've been checking the history on his computer at the house (which is synced with the other devices he has with him) and I saw that he's watching porn and then deleting the history afterward. This was one of the deal breakers we laid out in the beginning of our relationship. He has a history of sex addiction and I am EXTREMELY sensitive to this stuff. I find it very degrading and I feel like it's cheating (I know people have varying opinions on this). The fact that he's deleting the history tells me he knows it's wrong and he's trying to hide it again (secrets again) and now has me questioning if he's been doing this throughout our relationship because this type of stuff was why we broke up so many times in the beginning. I'd catch him doing something (talking to exes) and then he'd delete the texts, hoping I wouldn't find out. This was all part of the ground rules of the relationship when we got back together- no secrets, no deleting things, no talking to exes (would have possibly been ok if he hadn't been hiding it) and he was very good about keeping these promises (I thought). He'd tell me if he got a text from an ex and he would show me and wouldn't respond. Eventually, they gave up on contacting him. But now I'm feeling he's doing this same thing w/ the porn and wondering how long he's been doing this. But this is another huge betrayal on top of everything else now and it makes me sick to my stomach.

When he hear "that's not true babe, I love you and want to be with you!" (or something like that), instead of hearing what you so wished he could hear -- that you actually think well of him -- he heard "the way you feel is wrong and I don't understand it". Not what you intended, I'm sure.

A validating response to "I feel like you have a low opinion of me" could be:

"Oh babe... that sounds so painful".

Notice that that isn't agreeing that he's correct; it is putting yourself in his shoes. If you truly thought he hated you/despised you/had a low opinion of you, how would you feel?

I come from a family where emotions aren't expressed, let alone validated. So I'm very bad at the validation thing. I recognize that and I want to work on being better. Thank you for the examples, they're helpful.

Thank you so much for the helpful advice.