Silently Seduced: When Parents make their children Partners

[Methuen]

Emotional incest.  Covert Incest.  Parentification.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56242.0%3bprev_next=next

For almost 50 years of my life (not counting the first 5 which I can't remember and the last 5 ++ where I finally had my eyes opened and wished I could walk away), my relationship with my mom was pretty enmeshed.

For a long time now this hasn't been sustainable for me.  It was too painful, too complicated, and too toxic. 

When I came across this thread, it just fit. 

Wondering if anybody else can relate?

[Older sister]

Very much. My role was to be her confidante and counsellor from an early age, say 10? I existed to help her feel better. She would talk to me about my abusive father, in their home. I would switch into his dear daughter when he would walk through the room. Very twisted and uncomfortable. No boundaries. I colluded with her. It was the only way to get attention from her. Later I objected when she started talking about their deteriorating sex life.   I was married with three young children, on a visit from out of town, and she burst into tears and fled the room, hurt. No apologies. Even now, I will get close, and she’ll sideswipe me with a terrible revelation about my father, deceased now 5 years. I was emotionally neglected and burdened with the care of my younger siblings, and quite often, cooking and cleaning. I can’t be alone with her now, because she can still get to me, and I’m 65.

[Notwendy]

I can relate but in an odd way- I was not the child enmeshed with her. My golden child sibling was. However, I was still parentified and her emotional caretaker. She also would confide in me and share TMI.

By my teens, I was useful to her- I could do household tasks. It seemed our relationship was me doing things for her. I think what is difficult for the enmeshed child is that this child experiences the "good side" but also the rest of it. I think that makes it more confusing for them. I think that one can also not be enmeshed and still experience parentification though.