Looking for connection and information about BPD and teen child

[mominneed1]

Hello,

My daughter was newly diagnosed with BPD and I am really scared. I will share more once I know how this works. For now I am trying to find out more information and connect with other parents of young people with BPD.

Thank you,

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi mominneed1 and

You must be going through a lot with processing this new diagnosis; being scared makes a lot of sense, given your circumstances 

We can start small, just little steps at a time. No pressure to "fix everything" right away. This is going to be a marathon, not a sprint, so it's OK to pace yourself and not take on everything at once.

Just a few questions to get a better sense of your situation:

how old is your daughter? Is she living with you? And is she accepting of her diagnosis?

...

We do have a section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder which is a good starting point for members just like you.

Whenever you have a bit of time, feel free to check those out, and let us know what resonates with you, or what questions come up.

We'll be here;

kells76

[PearlsBefore]

Stay calm, there's a lot on your plate right now - and while it's possibly/likely going to be intensive for the coming decade, the good news is that in most cases you'll see a reduction in symptoms after that and life will start to return to "normal" - so you've got a little more crazy parenting, and for a little longer than expected, ahead of you (assuming you can navigate not having her run off at 16 to marry an 84-year old busker or something) but it is manageable and there are some really good support groups out there depending on where you live!

[Pook075]

Also, for how this site works, everything is 100% anonymous.  We don't use our names, you don't use your name (or your daughter).  In fact, we don't even talk about where we live unless that's a specific reason to bring it up.  This process is in place so everyone can post freely about their situations. All of us are here because we have one or more BPD loved ones in our lives.

Where to start?

First, this isn't your fault.  You didn't cause this and the stuff your kid blames you for are due to them suffering internally.  Disordered thinking is the problem, not you or your family.  Remember that.

Second, this is a marathon, not a sprint.  I know Kells already said that, but it's worth repeating daily since it's so easy to forget in the moment.  Progress comes from your kid actively wanting to make changes, and that's on their timelines...not yours.  BPD can be largely overcome with intensive therapy and when your kid is ready, they can move past the worst of this.  Again, it is not your decision though...you control you, your kid controls their life.

Third, there are things you can do to improve communication with your child.  There are also things you can do to set healthy boundaries when things start to get out of control.  These aren't day 1 topics though and it's something that most here have spent a lifetime working on.  Just know that there is hope.

I'll wrap this up by telling my story; my 25 year old was diagnosed when she was around 16.  Things were outrageous at home, she was completely out of control, and we walked on pins and needles to avoid her wrath.  I felt hopeless, alone, and angry...and I had no idea this community even existed.  I wish back then that I would have found this site because there were many terrifying years without any help in sight.

By 19, we kicked our kid out and by 21, she was homeless.  She simply wasn't ready to deal with her problems though and we had to let her find rock bottom.  By 23, she found the right psychiatrist and actively wanted to change her life.  Within maybe 9 months, she was stable, holding a job, and a completely different person.  At 25, I'm closer to her than ever before and I'm incredibly proud of her.

Even today, my kid will have bad days and her mood will spiral.  But between her past therapy and her family, she can turn a terrible day around without going into a complete meltdown.  She's learned better coping skills, healthier ways to communicate, and most importantly, how to be vulnerable when she's not okay.

I said all of that to say this- there is genuine hope if your kid wants to change.  Remember the three rules above though; this is not in your control, it's not your fault, and this will take time.