Trying to cope with feelings of despair.

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I just want to open by saying that I am not suicidal, I don't want to die, I'm just in a really bad spot and just don't know how to cope with it all.

I have had a couple depressive episodes in the past, but I've always been able to pull out of them with meds and therapy and just taking care of myself. But this is different, more alarming. I just have so many things going wrong right now in so many ways. Not just my relationship ending but I'm overwhelmed at work and trying to make a change. I took care of my mother until she died, and now my dad is getting worse, and I am terrified of what comes next, and all of the painful memories this is going to bring back for me as it progresses. Everything in my future is unknown, but it looks bleak to me right now. I'm having a very hard time having hope. I think the best way to describe this feeling is despair. I want to find meaning in all of this but really I have no idea what that is. I feel like the ground under my feet is just constantly shifting and I can't stop moving, and it hasn't stopped moving in years. I'm just exhausted, I want a chance to rest, I want to be able to feel my feelings and be human and not constantly be in survival mode. I'm so tired and so sad. Everything feels like a battle. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don't feel like there are things to look forward to. I want to believe I can start a new life once I'm divorced, but it feels like "out of the frying pan and into the fire", like I just take care of someone else...until I have no time left to live my own life.

And I know this is a bad moment, I don't think this a good reflection of most of my life. But truly I have just felt myself becoming more negative in my outlook over the last few months. I just don't expect anything good to happen at this point. If it did I don't even know that I would trust it.

I have people who love me, I will try to reach out to them. But I'm not good at leaning on people, it's a combination of not wanting to burden them and also not really trusting them to not run away which would feel much worse than what I already feel. Like that's happened before, and then it's like okay great, don't do me a favor I can handle it on my own. But I'll do what I can I guess. I can't keep feeling like this. I know it's not good. But writing it out on here at least makes me feel like someone knows what's going on. So, thanks.

[thewilltoleave]

I just want to open by saying that I am not suicidal, I don't want to die, I'm just in a really bad spot and just don't know how to cope with it all.

I have had a couple depressive episodes in the past, but I've always been able to pull out of them with meds and therapy and just taking care of myself. But this is different, more alarming. I just have so many things going wrong right now in so many ways. Not just my relationship ending but I'm overwhelmed at work and trying to make a change. I took care of my mother until she died, and now my dad is getting worse, and I am terrified of what comes next, and all of the painful memories this is going to bring back for me as it progresses. Everything in my future is unknown, but it looks bleak to me right now. I'm having a very hard time having hope. I think the best way to describe this feeling is despair. I want to find meaning in all of this but really I have no idea what that is. I feel like the ground under my feet is just constantly shifting and I can't stop moving, and it hasn't stopped moving in years. I'm just exhausted, I want a chance to rest, I want to be able to feel my feelings and be human and not constantly be in survival mode. I'm so tired and so sad. Everything feels like a battle. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don't feel like there are things to look forward to. I want to believe I can start a new life once I'm divorced, but it feels like "out of the frying pan and into the fire", like I just take care of someone else...until I have no time left to live my own life.

And I know this is a bad moment, I don't think this a good reflection of most of my life. But truly I have just felt myself becoming more negative in my outlook over the last few months. I just don't expect anything good to happen at this point. If it did I don't even know that I would trust it.

I have people who love me, I will try to reach out to them. But I'm not good at leaning on people, it's a combination of not wanting to burden them and also not really trusting them to not run away which would feel much worse than what I already feel. Like that's happened before, and then it's like okay great, don't do me a favor I can handle it on my own. But I'll do what I can I guess. I can't keep feeling like this. I know it's not good. But writing it out on here at least makes me feel like someone knows what's going on. So, thanks.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there TWTL-

I’ve just read through all of your posts.  I am so incredibly sorry for what you are experiencing, not only with the ending of your marriage, but with your dad’s illness, and the overall instability and deep sadness you’re feeling.  I’d like to offer some help or guidance if I can….

As a bit of background, I am a woman and just had my 67th birthday.  I was married for 19 years to a man with BPD/NPD traits and that marriage ended the night he threw me across the room in 2011.  During those years, the abuse was pretty “subtle” but relentless, until that last night.  He was arrested for felony domestic assault.  Due to my fear of ruining his reputation in the community, and my codependent nature at the time, I refused to press charges.  The divorce process was horrible and I fled my community and my life.  I didn’t know anything about personality disorders at that time.

About 2.5 years later (2013), I entered a 6.5-year relationship with another disordered man.  His abuse was way more loud and overt.  I discovered this site in 2017 when I searched the phrase “unprovoked rage in men”.  I finally freed myself from him in 2020. 

I now have a quiet and beautiful love with a man I originally knew when I was 16 years old.

TWTL, from your description it sounds to me that you may be experiencing anxiety a bit more than depression right now.  There is that saying … “keep your head where your heels are”.  To me this says that keeping each day separate from the next day is vital for you right now.  And trying to compartmentalize your thoughts into those that truly matter in each moment… in whatever ways work for you.  This can help you to reel in those feelings of living in that dreaded state of anticipation. My G-D how I understand those feeling… those unknowns…

Through all of your writing you exhibit an incredible amount of self-awareness, so I think if you can recognize this for what it is, you WILL begin to feel a bit better.  We have to first accept that there is only so much (or little) that we do “control”.  You have to let yourself off the hook and realize that you are not responsible for everything.  Can you do that?  For you?

Next, maybe speak with your therapist or your doctor about trying anxiety meds for a period of time.  I did that and they truly helped.  I didn’t take the entire dosage prescribed, but what I did take made a huge difference.  I also began, and continue to periodically use a little machine called the Alpha Stim.  It’s quite pricey, but insurance may cover it and it’s less expensive if you get it through your therapist.  I don’t know if you’re in the U.S., but it’s FDA-approved and has been used for veterans with PTSD.  That little machine has been a miracle for me.

There are other things you can do for yourself - Progressive Muscle Relaxation (I like the guided one through Therapy in a Nutshell).  I believe it’s about 9 minutes long.  When I was coaching troubled teens in sports, I would do this with them and they loved it.  You just surrender your body to this.

I believe when we enter this heightened state, we really have to allow ourselves room to wander away from things we’d “normally” do.  Because we have to give ourselves permission to live and to breathe.  And now is the time to allow yourself to be vulnerable with friends you trust.  Whether it’s here or in real life.  Just tell the truth.  Sometimes you have to be unafraid.  Those who love you will be grateful to be needed.  They will then know you will be open to them in the future should they need you.

If there are other little things, any special outside places you can wander around, or maybe a beautiful art exhibit, just something lovely to look at, or something beautiful to listen to, do it.  For yourself.  You do NOT “owe” every moment of your life to others.  And I know this is difficult to understand, but it is something we all need to learn.  It took me years to learn this lesson…still learning.

Finally.  And I know this is a big one - but may, just maybe… you may consider a medical leave from work.  This was strongly suggested to me by my doctor in 2011 and I refused.  It is one of my biggest regrets.  Think about it - both the upsides and the downsides.  Speak openly about it, perhaps with your T.  Because something you truly deserve right now is time.  For yourself.  You’ve got to take care of yourself.

I hope I have not overstepped.

I am sending you so much love and would love to hear any thoughts you have.

Warmly,
Gems

[thewilltoleave]

Thank you gems, for sharing your story and for the advice! 

It is good to hear that you found love with someone that treats you well, it does give me some hope that it could be possible one day for me too. And I think you are right, I think the anxiety is probably in the driver's seat more than I realize right now. I really need to learn to be able to set things aside when I can. I have a tendency to carry it all around with me when I'm not doing well, and not having any down time to decompress and realize I'm doing this is probably contributing. I am very overwhelmed and it's hard in moments like this to not have blinders on and only focused on all the things that could go wrong ahead.

I am changing job positions to something way lower stress here in a few months so I think that is going to help with that. I do really need some time to take care of myself, and what I'm doing right now never lets me feel at rest.The alpha stim machine sounds very interesting, I will have to look into that! I am on an antidepressant/anxiety med right now and it has been a lifesaver for me. And while I've been trying hard to stay busy with things that are enjoyable when I can, I'm realizing I'm doing a lot of things for others and not a lot of relaxing activities, so I can probably take a step back and do some calmer more low key things that may help me feel more grounded.

I definitely don't think you overstepped, and it's just nice to know someone cared enough to reach out. It means a lot.