Emotionally drained

[Freedom Fighter]

Hi, This is my first post. My eldest daughter is an undiagnosed BPD I feel I've read every piece of literature known to man about this disorder but still I am really struggling to deal with the relentless tirade of verbal abuse, the nastiness, the relentless blame. In addition to this my other daughter has estranged herself from us due to the behaviour of her sister which she blames us for tolerating. Ironically her behaviour is VERY similar to that of her sister. My father was BPD so I have been dealing with this disorder nearly my whole life. My eldest daughter is a wonderful mother but her treatment of her family is disgraceful we all 'cop' it for the sake of the children. She and her sisters had an almost perfect childhood her father and I having been married happily for 36 years and they were given emotional, financial support and were encouraged in everything they did but still for her it's not been enough. They have been so very loved and their behaviour is hurtful. I am positive my father's DNA has found it's way into them through inherited trauma as the certainly didn't have any trauma in their life that her father or I are aware of.  Her behaviour is cyclical in that every 3 months there will be a 'blow up' about something trivial and once or twice a year its cataclysmic. As with most people with this disorder she recovers, however we don't instead having to learn to live with the battle scars and go on- just to keep the peace. Her behaviour has been going on now for at least 15 years  where I have tried so VERY hard to not allow it to affect me, but it does. I have fought, battled, reasoned, listened, acquiesced to the point where I'm numb inside and becoming quite depressed.  Every time there's a text I bristle thinking "what have I done now?". She fails to communicate with us and then belittles and rages at us if we don't know about something, its' almost as though she sets us up to fail revelling in the humiliation it causes us. I pray every day that she will seek professional assistance as I have read some very positive stories of people recovering and living relatively peaceful lives. I think my REAL frustration and anger comes from her selfishness where her entire family is expected to "tolerate" her behaviour so she doesn't have to change. Some of the things she has said to me over the years have made me want to never see her again but I always regroup and stay in the relationship for my grandchildren and husband. I pray for a miracle where she sees that she is accountable for her behaviour and the breakdown of relationships. Her inability to manage her emotions is both sad and frightening I sometimes wonder what her dad and I did to deserve this. I am going back to a counsellor to help me climb back out of this black hole but I'm 60+ and I'm tired of walking on eggshells; ironically the name of the text I'm currently reading about BPD. I have only just found this forum but as many say it's comforting to know others know 'exactly' how you feel it's an insidious disorder and I am SOOOO sick of dealing with it and trying to navigate a happy life around her moods. Sorry to whinge but I'm hurting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there Freedom,

Your story resonates with me and probably with most other parents on this site.  I'm sure you love your daughter dearly, but at the same time, you are devastated because she does not reciprocate.  It sounds like you went above and beyond to give your daughter love and a lovely life, and she's determined to squander that.

Since you are 60+, I think you deserve to focus on you now, so that you can live your golden years in peace and with happiness.  Your daughter is responsible for her feelings, and you are responsible for yours.  You mention that a text from her will put you on edge.  How about this:  from now on, and for as long as she's acting abusive towards you, don't read any texts from her.  (Just delete them like spam; you're taking a break from texting with her right now!)  If she wants to talk with you, then she'll have to call, or visit, or write a letter.  Since this requires a little more effort on her part, do you think the frequency of her abusive rants towards you would diminish?  How about this:  if she yells at you, or accuses you of outrageous things, or if she has a meltdown in front of you, you could hang up, or retreat in silence.  You choose not to engage with her when she's being abusive.  I know your feelings might still hurt if you do this (you are human and a parent after all), but if you disengage when she shows anger, then you're protecting your own mental health.  Imagine what would happen if a stranger started yelling at you out of the blue, calling you a terrible person, or acting in a threatening manner, accusing you of outrageous things.  What would you do?  You'd probably make a quick and quiet exit, to avoid getting in an argument, making things worse, or ruining your day.  Maybe you'd simply say, "Sorry," and leave the scene expeditiously.  You might think, that person is acting a little crazy, getting infuriated over nothing; maybe something else is going on in her life right now making her unstable, and she needs some space to calm down by herself.  Should your reaction with your daughter be any different?  And what if the stranger didn't seem to accept the fact that you left the scene, and started pursuing you, becoming more and more threatening, trying to engage you in a fight, or maybe trying to draw in others.  What would you do then?  Would you run away even faster?  Would you dial 911, because the stranger was a threat to your safety or someone else's?  Would you do the same if your daughter threatened you?  My opinion is, your daughter probably hasn't learned what is appropriate behavior, possibly because you tolerated inappropriate behavior from her for a long time, trying to protect her or shield her from consequences, out of fear, obligation and/or guilt.  Now, you can't change your daughter, but you CAN change how you react with her.

I know you are hurting.  I think a lot of parents come to this site to look for tips, but also to find some solace.  My stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD and has many of the classic behaviors:  suicide attempts, blaming others for all her problems, moodiness, passive-aggressiveness, bouts of inappropriate and out-of-control rage/anger, distress intolerance, volatile relationships and avoidant behaviors, all leading to significant challenges with maintaining a "normal" life and "normal" relationships.  Maybe like your daughter, she can seem to pull herself together to get something she wants, but she frequently "relapses" and lashes out, over seemingly nothing.  At times she has an "adult tantrum."  Do you know what I find works best for an adult tantrum?  An "adult time-out."  She needs time and space to get her emotions under control, before she can have anything like a normal conversation again.  So my advice is, give her that time and space, by withdrawing and not engaging when she's acting up.  I think her emotions are so powerful that they take over her brain, making logical thought nearly impossible at those moments.  So she needs some space to learn to regulate.

[Freedom Fighter]

Hi CC43
Thank you so very much for your kind words and suggestions. This is why I decided to join this site so as I could perhaps gain insight from other people whose loved one suffers from BPD. I have definitely tried these ideas in the past, so thank you for the reminder. In the past she has not reacted positively to me not addressing her concerns asap but as you remind me that is a small price to pay for my sanity. Again thank you it's comforting to know I'm not the only one trying to navigate this disorder on top of this I am fairly sure my other daughter is Bi Polar so my family has really copped it with the mental health curse. Thank you again.

[Ourworld]

Hi FreedomFighter,
I am a parent of one child who has been quite enmeshed with a lot of one-on-one attention. My husband was gone for his work a lot, so she had such extra attention. I have come to the realization that many ‘logical’ things I said to her, not realizing her mental state, were actually meaningless. Something as simple as pointing out how differently we thought about things probably made little sense to her.

The thing is I have seen her self-esteem and confidence improve as she’s found her career ‘nitch’. She has a high genius-level IQ and a photographic memory that she placed aside to try and ‘fit in’, so it amazes me that she has finally embraced that.

The reason I mention this is due to the fact that for the last 12 years (27-39), she has completely cut me off, she had a horrible marriage to someone with major mental heath issues that she recently climbed out of. I know she felt embarrassed but was not sure why. I think that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for the strong foundation we gave our children and instead begin to focus on our own feelings.

I don’t know about you, but I even went through a period in my own life away from my Mom when I was preparing for my career and getting my own act together, and because of a strong foundation, I did well.
So, give yourself credit, and I think that you’ll find yourself feeling better and worrying less.

Remember, God teaches us to lay a good foundation and they will come back to it. I think that even in the midst of things like Personalty Disorders, that were not even defined in the baby boomer generation (I am 65), that the same principles from parents in past generations still applies today.

So don’t worry, as long as she’s safe and happy, be safe and happy too!

Take Care, OutWorld

[Ourworld]

BTW-just because there seems to be emotional and mental health issues all around does not mean we have to let them have any impact on our lives.
So choose to continue to be the peaceful and kind person who gave her that strong foundation, and allow her to deal with the person she’s chosen to be. Don’t say anything, just be who you truly are. Just as we don’t let strangers lives affect ours, she shouldn’t be allowed to affect yours, that’s her choice after-all, she could get more help and guidance if she wanted it.

Be true to who you really are, OurWorld