Emotionally drained

[Freedom Fighter]

Hi, This is my first post. My eldest daughter is an undiagnosed BPD I feel I've read every piece of literature known to man about this disorder but still I am really struggling to deal with the relentless tirade of verbal abuse, the nastiness, the relentless blame. In addition to this my other daughter has estranged herself from us due to the behaviour of her sister which she blames us for tolerating. Ironically her behaviour is VERY similar to that of her sister. My father was BPD so I have been dealing with this disorder nearly my whole life. My eldest daughter is a wonderful mother but her treatment of her family is disgraceful we all 'cop' it for the sake of the children. She and her sisters had an almost perfect childhood her father and I having been married happily for 36 years and they were given emotional, financial support and were encouraged in everything they did but still for her it's not been enough. They have been so very loved and their behaviour is hurtful. I am positive my father's DNA has found it's way into them through inherited trauma as the certainly didn't have any trauma in their life that her father or I are aware of.  Her behaviour is cyclical in that every 3 months there will be a 'blow up' about something trivial and once or twice a year its cataclysmic. As with most people with this disorder she recovers, however we don't instead having to learn to live with the battle scars and go on- just to keep the peace. Her behaviour has been going on now for at least 15 years  where I have tried so VERY hard to not allow it to affect me, but it does. I have fought, battled, reasoned, listened, acquiesced to the point where I'm numb inside and becoming quite depressed.  Every time there's a text I bristle thinking "what have I done now?". She fails to communicate with us and then belittles and rages at us if we don't know about something, its' almost as though she sets us up to fail revelling in the humiliation it causes us. I pray every day that she will seek professional assistance as I have read some very positive stories of people recovering and living relatively peaceful lives. I think my REAL frustration and anger comes from her selfishness where her entire family is expected to "tolerate" her behaviour so she doesn't have to change. Some of the things she has said to me over the years have made me want to never see her again but I always regroup and stay in the relationship for my grandchildren and husband. I pray for a miracle where she sees that she is accountable for her behaviour and the breakdown of relationships. Her inability to manage her emotions is both sad and frightening I sometimes wonder what her dad and I did to deserve this. I am going back to a counsellor to help me climb back out of this black hole but I'm 60+ and I'm tired of walking on eggshells; ironically the name of the text I'm currently reading about BPD. I have only just found this forum but as many say it's comforting to know others know 'exactly' how you feel it's an insidious disorder and I am SOOOO sick of dealing with it and trying to navigate a happy life around her moods. Sorry to whinge but I'm hurting.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there Freedom,

Your story resonates with me and probably with most other parents on this site.  I'm sure you love your daughter dearly, but at the same time, you are devastated because she does not reciprocate.  It sounds like you went above and beyond to give your daughter love and a lovely life, and she's determined to squander that.

Since you are 60+, I think you deserve to focus on you now, so that you can live your golden years in peace and with happiness.  Your daughter is responsible for her feelings, and you are responsible for yours.  You mention that a text from her will put you on edge.  How about this:  from now on, and for as long as she's acting abusive towards you, don't read any texts from her.  (Just delete them like spam; you're taking a break from texting with her right now!)  If she wants to talk with you, then she'll have to call, or visit, or write a letter.  Since this requires a little more effort on her part, do you think the frequency of her abusive rants towards you would diminish?  How about this:  if she yells at you, or accuses you of outrageous things, or if she has a meltdown in front of you, you could hang up, or retreat in silence.  You choose not to engage with her when she's being abusive.  I know your feelings might still hurt if you do this (you are human and a parent after all), but if you disengage when she shows anger, then you're protecting your own mental health.  Imagine what would happen if a stranger started yelling at you out of the blue, calling you a terrible person, or acting in a threatening manner, accusing you of outrageous things.  What would you do?  You'd probably make a quick and quiet exit, to avoid getting in an argument, making things worse, or ruining your day.  Maybe you'd simply say, "Sorry," and leave the scene expeditiously.  You might think, that person is acting a little crazy, getting infuriated over nothing; maybe something else is going on in her life right now making her unstable, and she needs some space to calm down by herself.  Should your reaction with your daughter be any different?  And what if the stranger didn't seem to accept the fact that you left the scene, and started pursuing you, becoming more and more threatening, trying to engage you in a fight, or maybe trying to draw in others.  What would you do then?  Would you run away even faster?  Would you dial 911, because the stranger was a threat to your safety or someone else's?  Would you do the same if your daughter threatened you?  My opinion is, your daughter probably hasn't learned what is appropriate behavior, possibly because you tolerated inappropriate behavior from her for a long time, trying to protect her or shield her from consequences, out of fear, obligation and/or guilt.  Now, you can't change your daughter, but you CAN change how you react with her.

I know you are hurting.  I think a lot of parents come to this site to look for tips, but also to find some solace.  My stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD and has many of the classic behaviors:  suicide attempts, blaming others for all her problems, moodiness, passive-aggressiveness, bouts of inappropriate and out-of-control rage/anger, distress intolerance, volatile relationships and avoidant behaviors, all leading to significant challenges with maintaining a "normal" life and "normal" relationships.  Maybe like your daughter, she can seem to pull herself together to get something she wants, but she frequently "relapses" and lashes out, over seemingly nothing.  At times she has an "adult tantrum."  Do you know what I find works best for an adult tantrum?  An "adult time-out."  She needs time and space to get her emotions under control, before she can have anything like a normal conversation again.  So my advice is, give her that time and space, by withdrawing and not engaging when she's acting up.  I think her emotions are so powerful that they take over her brain, making logical thought nearly impossible at those moments.  So she needs some space to learn to regulate.

[Freedom Fighter]

Hi CC43
Thank you so very much for your kind words and suggestions. This is why I decided to join this site so as I could perhaps gain insight from other people whose loved one suffers from BPD. I have definitely tried these ideas in the past, so thank you for the reminder. In the past she has not reacted positively to me not addressing her concerns asap but as you remind me that is a small price to pay for my sanity. Again thank you it's comforting to know I'm not the only one trying to navigate this disorder on top of this I am fairly sure my other daughter is Bi Polar so my family has really copped it with the mental health curse. Thank you again.

[Ourworld]

Hi FreedomFighter,
I am a parent of one child who has been quite enmeshed with a lot of one-on-one attention. My husband was gone for his work a lot, so she had such extra attention. I have come to the realization that many ‘logical’ things I said to her, not realizing her mental state, were actually meaningless. Something as simple as pointing out how differently we thought about things probably made little sense to her.

The thing is I have seen her self-esteem and confidence improve as she’s found her career ‘nitch’. She has a high genius-level IQ and a photographic memory that she placed aside to try and ‘fit in’, so it amazes me that she has finally embraced that.

The reason I mention this is due to the fact that for the last 12 years (27-39), she has completely cut me off, she had a horrible marriage to someone with major mental heath issues that she recently climbed out of. I know she felt embarrassed but was not sure why. I think that we don’t give ourselves enough credit for the strong foundation we gave our children and instead begin to focus on our own feelings.

I don’t know about you, but I even went through a period in my own life away from my Mom when I was preparing for my career and getting my own act together, and because of a strong foundation, I did well.
So, give yourself credit, and I think that you’ll find yourself feeling better and worrying less.

Remember, God teaches us to lay a good foundation and they will come back to it. I think that even in the midst of things like Personalty Disorders, that were not even defined in the baby boomer generation (I am 65), that the same principles from parents in past generations still applies today.

So don’t worry, as long as she’s safe and happy, be safe and happy too!

Take Care, OutWorld

[Ourworld]

BTW-just because there seems to be emotional and mental health issues all around does not mean we have to let them have any impact on our lives.
So choose to continue to be the peaceful and kind person who gave her that strong foundation, and allow her to deal with the person she’s chosen to be. Don’t say anything, just be who you truly are. Just as we don’t let strangers lives affect ours, she shouldn’t be allowed to affect yours, that’s her choice after-all, she could get more help and guidance if she wanted it.

Be true to who you really are, OurWorld

[Freedom Fighter]

Hello and thank you for your wise words.
There's been another incident recently which resulted in her bullying and name calling again using absolutely ridiculous reasons as to why we "have been bad" One included saying I didn't visit my granddaughter in hospital after a small op but I did and I have a photo (Which she took) to prove it. I would be lying if I said this doesn't hurt because it does. She also uses the grandchildren as weapons against us saying things like "I'll see if they want to see you" or "we're too busy" blah bah. After battling this situation for nearly 15 years I am emotionally exhausted and desperately want peace from all the fighting it's been relentless. My husband is very much of the mindset that we just need to tolerate it if we want to see the grandchildren whilst I acquiesced for a while I feel this is an unsustainable  approach but I can't think of an alternative as I desperately want to sustain a relationship with my grandchildren. Interestingly, and I'd like others opinions, I spoke to my counsellor about her and although she has not met her she doesn't feel she is a BPD as she hasn't, at least from my knowledge, suffered a severe trauma.I just DO NOT understand how given the foundation she has been given she could lead a life that is so angry, bitter and volatile. She is a beautiful looking girl, very intelligent and a good mother but her controlling manipulative behaviour of others is quite concerning.I dread the time when her children are older and have friends whom she doesn't approve of I don't feel anyone will be good enough. She's ostracised the other grandparents, her husband's brother, her sisters, the other great grandfather it's very sad. I am presently trying to find a way to reduce contact with her but still see my grandchildren. I theorise that she is 35 and is behaving like a 15 year old who hasn't got her own way and to think I have to endure this behaviour indefinitely is depressing and I REFUSE to allow this to make me sick. After each 'blow up' I feel myself withdrawing further just to keep my sanity. I feel upset all the time and do not know why we are being punished like this, it's awful.

[kells76]

Hi Freedom Fighter, just adding my welcome to the others 

It's so difficult when one parent has BPD and minor children are involved. My husband's kids' mom has many traits, and it was very challenging navigating the kids' younger years.

How many grandkids do you have, and how old are they now? I ask because in our case, as the kids got older (early to mid teens, both are later teens now), we were able to develop more independent relationships with them, separate from their mom, and our relationships with them got easier.

While BPD research is behind compared to research of other mental health issues, it is an active area of study. The current thinking is that BPD has both an environmental and a genetic component. Kids who survive and thrive after seemingly traumatic upbringings likely did not have the genetic predisposition to BPD. Kids who seem like they had a "perfect" childhood but end up with mental health issues may have been much more genetically sensitive to even slight environmental influences.

One way of looking at BPD is that pwBPD (persons with BPD) are saddled with all 3 of the following:

-high emotional sensitivity (stuff that wouldn't hurt/shame anyone else that badly, is excruciating for them),
-high emotional reactivity (we might get a little upset and raise our voice if we get cut off in traffic; a pwBPD might have road rage and be screaming and weeping), and
-long return to emotional baseline (we could get over getting cut off in traffic in 30 minutes; a pwBPD might take days to get over it)

Anyone can have one or two of those factors. I tend to be highly emotionally sensitive and have a long return to baseline. But, I'm not highly reactive, so I'm not wired like a pwBPD, who will probably have all 3 tendencies.

It's good that you are aware that BPD may "run in your family". That means that despite your most loving efforts, things that didn't seem like a big deal to you may have impacted your D36 much more, due to her emotional sensitivity, reactivity, and long return to baseline. You did the best you could at the time without the information you needed to do anything differently.

Another new development in BPD research is the idea that pwBPD really struggle with accurate emotional expression. That means that while, for example, your D36 is raging and blaming you for not visiting your granddaughter, that's not really the issue -- your D36 is feeling something, that's for sure, but due to BPD, she is very impaired in expressing it accurately.

Many pwBPD struggle to handle the illness and death of their loved ones. They may in their cores be feeling a deep fear of abandonment, or deep sadness. But, the way it comes out is -- being angry at the sick person! Or, like in your case, blaming other family members for not caring about someone in the hospital. Inaccurate emotional expression can be so wacky to deal with if you don't know that that is a feature of BPD. I wonder if that may be going on with your D36 right now?

There may be more than one tool or approach you can use if you suspect she is not expressing her emotion accurately. You can always pause and take a break from the interaction: "I'm not able to stay on the phone when there's name calling... I'm going to hang up for now, I hope you have a good rest of your day". Or, you might find something valid in there to validate: "Wow, it sounds like you really wanted me to be there for Granddaughter... that makes sense, if I were in your shoes, I'd want my mom to be there, too" (note how you don't have to prove to her that you were really there!).

If interactions with D36 have been hurtful and ineffective for a while, you may feel pretty raw, and may need to take care of yourself and give yourself some space for a while, before trying the more-interactive tools and skills. Finding those ways to check in with yourself, see what you are up for, and graciously decline to keep interacting with her if you're too worn down right now, could help things turn around down the road.

Lots to think about, I know -- you're in a good place to keep talking through these challenges, with people who understand.

[Freedom Fighter]

Hi Kells76
Thank you so much for all of those suggestions, they really help. I would say at a guess my daughter's issue is genetic as my father, and to an extent my mother, were very similar. I was raised as an only child and thought everyone's parents were like them so that became my 'normal' until I reached my teenage years when I began to see their behaviours differently. I was consistently told there was something wrong with me but as I grew older and reflected I started to query this as I had absolutely no issues with other relationships just my one with them. I was told that people only wanted to be friends with me because they used me. Yet I have been friends with one group for 58 years and my youngest friendship has been about 12 years, so I don't think it was me. 
I too am very sensitive but as you say I return to base line relatively quickly. With my daughter it's been going on since she was about 17. I distinctly remember her returning from a holiday with school friends and then a few weeks after finding out they wanted nothing more to do with her due to some incident while they were away. I never found out what it was but she's never spoken to those people since and they all had been very tight for years prior. She humiliates me and I find that VERY difficult to manage and while I usually employ the tactics you suggested yesterday my tolerance to her behaviour ran out. Her name calling and references to me being the one with the issue just became too much, I cannot walk around on eggshells any more. I feel so depressed in that I cannot see an end to this as she WILL not seek assistance to manage her emotions instead she simply alienates and blames other people.
If I am honest I don't think we will ever find common ground but I do hope that as the grandchildren grow 9,6,4 we will be able to foster a relationship that isn't dictated by their mother. The thought though of enduring those years is daunting. Again thank you for your suggestions they are greatly appreciated.
If I step away for a while I am abused for not contacting and behaving "childishly" if I stay I am abused for doing the wrong thing. I recently said to her that I felt like I couldn't do anything right, and she replied that no I couldn't and I needed to address that. It's completely irrational and I think there are narcissistic tendencies there as well.
Anyway Thank you again.

[Ourworld]

Hi FreedomFighter,

I can hear that you have endured a difficult battle for quite awhile, and it sounds like you seek peace, peace for your spirit.
* I suggest that you do something creative for yourself, such as taking up pottery or painting, or even taking a class in something to do for fun-such as ice skating or someone even mentioned roller skating!
* Or take a Ballroom Dance class with your husband!
* Another idea for your peace of mind might be to begin writing in a journal (kind of like you might have done with a diary in high school)!

Just do fun things instead of focusing on your daughter, and you might even find the older grandkids wanting to join you!

Don’t let her craziness control you, live your life! And remember the CCC Mantra-you didn’t Cause this, you cannot Control it, and you certainly cannot Cure it.

If her dysregulated emotions cause her to say crazy things, unfortunately that’s her problem and she probably won’t relate to what you say anyway, since with BPD most logic goes out the window!
I know it’s difficult to deal with, but you really have to think about your love for her and ‘listen’ and recognize the real underlying meaning of WHY she says things instead of the meaning.
For instance, when she said that you didn’t come to the hospital when one of her children had minor surgery, instead of taking offense, just know how important that was to her.
And just say something like, I know how important that was to you, and I will always do my best to be there. And just leave it as that, try not to go on the defensive that you were there and have proof, because she probably knows that in the back of her mind, but at that time, she is only thinking about how important that is to her.
(Someone mentioned something like this before.)

So, you be the Big Pants girl and just let it slide and instead of feeling offended, realize how much she cares. You don’t ever need to say anything to her, it is for your own peace of mind.
Hopefully things will get better eventually, but always try and remember that the things she says are like distorted parts of things in her mind, but they are things that matter to her.

Most importantly, these children deserve to have a peaceful, loving grandmother! So don’t let her messed up mindset run your life, just love and accept her for the person she’s become at NO ONE’S fault, it just happened. There may have been a bully at school you weren’t aware of that triggered the underlying gene that brings on BPD, although there are already ways that show signs (too bad this couldn’t be prevented, but it seems to be a fairly new Mental issue as ADHD was in the 80’s).

I wish you peace my friend, OurWorld

[Freedom Fighter]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, your words are both sensible and comforting. As you can probably empathise I feel like I've been the 'bigger person' forever so as she doesn't have to. It 's emotionally exhausting and I don't feel I've got much left in the tank. I do find however if I take a break from he (it makes her anger worse) but it gives me some peace. That's what I'm doing right now just taking a break from her and limiting my engagement.  I am now cognisant of the fact that she will NEVER change but I am very slowly adopting some skills and boundaries that stop her having such an emotional impact on me.
Again thank you for your kind words, they're always appreciated.