Wife has BPD episodes that generally flare up when I am sick.

[infinitepiano]

First time posting here, my wife (who per my therapist has borderline BPD / Aspergers) gets mad every time I am sick. As if I am purposely getting sick .. She seems to wanna control me as much as possible and when it is out of her control she just gets mad. Like no empathy, no caring, no love, just anger... 
Is this normal? how do you deal with it?

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[314rabbit]

I rarely get sick, but I do experience this when I experience negative emotions around my spouse. The best thing that works for me is to not ask my spouse for help during those times.

I've noticed that often these outbursts are when my spouse feels uncomfortable with what is going on with me, and as you said, totally out of their control. When I'm "doing" something that makes my spouse uncomfortable, they fly off the handle. That "doing" in your case is being sick.

Don't know how to avoid it, but I think I'm starting to. I avoided a fight this morning because I chose not to discuss how angry I am about the huge financial issues my spouse is causing. I just sent them to work without incident and chose to go on BPDFamily. I know you can't choose to no longer be sick, in the same way I can't choose to not be angry. We still have choices though!

What seems to be setting her off? Is it requests from you? Increased responsibilities around the house? You not being able to help her out with tasks?

My mom was like this, and as a child I never could get a handle on what to do other than to be quietly sick in my bedroom. It's what my dad had to do as well, but she was more brutal to him than she was to me. It's difficult to make sense of.

I hope you feel better soon!

[EyesUp]

OP, welcome.

I'm not sure that there is a playbook or script for this situation, but it does fall in a pattern.

I also experienced a similar response - I'm fortunate that I've rarely been sick, but on those occasions when I was my uBPDxw would become angry and express frustration that she "had to do everything" and that I was somehow selfish, entitled.

I think the trigger *might* be related to difficulty expressing gratitude.  i.e., when you're sick, it reminds your partner of when she was sick...  and she doesn't like thinking about that.  Perhaps being ill made her feel guilty?  Or she resents the idea that she needs to reciprocate care that she's received?  Maybe she's feeling abandoned because you're unable to give her the attention that she's accustomed to - for a moment.  Or she's flooded with some other negative feelings due to associations that you couldn't possibly know - and which she may not be fully aware of - and which she's incapable of expressing in a functional manner.

In this situation, distorted thinking kicks in and she projects those feelings on to you. Trying to reason with her in this moment, or to appeal to her rational senses, is unlikely to work right now.

In these moments, the best you can do is to avoid invalidating her feelings. There are some exercises here that focus on communication skills to reduce conflict.

In the meantime, while there isn't a simple solution - you are in good company with others who have been through it.

Hang in there, and get well soon.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi infinitepiano

I have the exact same experience with my dBPD husband. When I told him that I had found a lump in my breast, and that I could tell from my PCP's face that she thought it was cancer, he had a full mental breakdown and made a serious suicide attempt that landed him in psychiatric hospital for two months. He swears to this day that it was nothing to do with my cancer, but the connection is pretty clear to me.

Now I'm just back from ER with the news that my 'sprained' ankle is actually fractured and I will be on crutches and unable to drive for the next 6 weeks. I'm absolutely dreading it because he will have to do a lot of the things around the house that I normally do, and will also need to drive me places. Whenever he is unwell or in need of help, I am only too happy to support him, but when it is the other way around it creates crisis after crisis, so it is very hard not to feel resentful.

I agree with 314rabbit that what works best is not to ask for help, and I also try to accept any help that is offered and give loads of praise when it happens. I also try to remember that the only person we can change is ourselves. Our loved ones have a severe disability that makes it very difficult for them to function in a relationship in the way that we might expect. Reminding ourselves that we have chosen this relationship, with all it's imperfections, reminding ourselves of our loved ones' good points, letting go of resentment or any expectation that things will be fair (they absolutely won't!) can all help keep the emotional temperature down and help us to feel more at peace with ourselves.

[infinitepiano]

OP Here:

This is all very helpful... not to mention validating. Thank you

[brokenfrog]

Is it normal? No !
Does it happen? Sounds like it happens a lot to many of us and is a recurring pattern.

In my case whether my kiddo or I got sick you could be sure that xwBPD would fall ill as well within 12 hours but with symptoms that were much, much, more acute than ours (pardon the sarcasm)

One of the most memorable instances in my case was being yelled at from having caught covid while staying at her in-laws all the while she was cheating with someone else. The irony will never cease to amaze me.

All this to say, it's unfortunately a common pattern...

[HurtAndTired]

Wow!

This is such a serendipitous post! I have been sick for the past week with a nasal/pulmonary bug and have just been completely sidelined (it might be yet another variant of Covid that has been going around my area.) My dBPDw has had a bizarre reaction where she has been forcefully telling me to stay away from her, while simultaneously being furious at me for not being around her.

It all started a week ago when I was lying in bed next to her and watching tv before we turned in. I kept clearing my throat as it had started to tickle/irritate me in just the past hour. She was bothered by the noise and complained several times before I went to sleep. I woke up several hours later coughing and took myself to the couch to sleep so that I wouldn't keep her awake. The next day I was obviously sick and stayed home from work. She complained that my coughing had kept her awake all night...and then accused me of going to the couch so that I could watch porn on my phone.

For the rest of the week, I have been about the same..miserable and kept going only by frequent naps and popping Mucinex like it's candy. I have stopped kissing my S3, have not shared food or drink with him, and have tried to keep my face away from his over the past week. I have also been sleeping in the guest room as my wife gets visibly upset if I get too close to her. She has made it very clear that I am to keep my distance while I am "infectious" (I am pretty sure that I am no longer able to spread whatever it is...that is her thinking, not mine), however she is sending me angry texts about me not wanting to have sex with her?!?!?!

I am just writing this off as more disordered and delusional thinking. It is also demonstrative of how she is incapable of thinking of anything but her own needs. My sickness is an obstacle to what she wants. She wants me nearby where she can monitor me. Because our sex life is almost non-existent due to her awful and abusive behavior towards me in the bedroom and her ridicule of me outside of the bedroom, she is paranoid about me watching porn or having an affair. My distance (even just being in the next room...at her request) means that she cannot monitor me. This infuriates her.

I, on the other hand, would just really appreciate a normal human response from her. Something like, "I'm so sorry you are feeling sick. Is there anything I can do or get you to help you feel better?" I don't expect to be babied or catered to with homemade chicken soup fed to me by the spoonful, but it would be nice if she showed some modicum of concern for my health. If this is how she handles me being mid-level sick, it makes me very concerned about how she would handle it if I had cancer or some other serious disease. The lack of compassion is appalling and would be absolutely soul-shattering if I were dealing with a terminal diagnosis.

As I just turned 50, this has me seriously doubting whether I want to grow old with this woman. I have watched my grandparents (all four of them) get ill and die, supporting each other in sickness, and now am watching my parents navigate the infirmities of their late 70s and early 80s and don't think my wife has what it takes to support me through that level of infirmity. Right now her behavior is baffling, annoying, and hurtful. Later on in life, it could be the difference between life and death when having someone to support you in illness is critical.

I guess spending large portions of the last week in bed has given me a lot of time to think about things like this, and I don't know that I like the revelations that I have had.

HurtAndTired