My elderly mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

  My 78 year old mother accuses me of poisoning her food, injecting her with drugs while she sleeps and stealing from her. Of course none of this is true. What's scary is that she loves to get revenge on people that she irrationally feels have done her wrong. So now she is stealing from me and I am concerned that since she thinks I'm poisoning her food that she is putting things in my food. How can I protect myself, short of leaving our home. She is not capable of living alone. I'm her only child so this is all on me. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[PSHA]

  My 78 year old mother accuses me of poisoning her food, injecting her with drugs while she sleeps and stealing from her. Of course none of this is true. What's scary is that she loves to get revenge on people that she irrationally feels have done her wrong. So now she is stealing from me and I am concerned that since she thinks I'm poisoning her food that she is putting things in my food. How can I protect myself, short of leaving our home. She is not capable of living alone. I'm her only child so this is all on me. Any advice would be much appreciated.

[Methuen]

She is not capable of living alone. I'm her only child so this is all on me.

Right here.  This is the issue.

I'm going to challenge you a little bit, and suggest that without you being aware, you may have been brainwashed to believe and feel this, and be her "caretaker".

She is an adult who has capacity to make her own decisions, including bad ones.

You are an adult who is entitled to live your own life without being held hostage to her bad decisions and bad treatment. Ask yourself, why is this "on you?"

What makes you say she is not capable of living alone?  Can you tell us more about this situation?

[Notwendy]

Whose name is the house in?

Are you in the US?

I ask these questions because, even if, at the moment, you are able to be her caregiver ( whether or not it is difficult for you), should your mother ever need long term skilled nursing care and qualify for Medicaid assistance (not only Medicare), Medicaid will take assets to pay for it. They would let a spouse keep the house but not other family members. If the house is in her name, that is an assets of hers.

Medicare also looks back 5 years, so if your mother puts it in your name and then went to a nursing home facility before 5 years Medicaid could count it as an asset.

If the home has been in your name all along, then it's safe.

If there are any questions about finances and property and who has what, I'd suggest you consult an elder care attorney for information on how to manage assets. Doesn't sound like she will be cooperative with planning ( my BPD mother is not) but it could help you avoid pitfalls if she were to have specific long term care needs in the future.

If you think she might put something in your food, then it's time for locks on some cabinets and on the refrigerator. I assume you do the food preparation. She can have her own mini fridge to put meals and snacks in. Eventually she might forget about this accusation but you are also protecting yourself if it's a concern.

[Notwendy]

And a lock on your bedroom door to keep her from taking your things.

[Notwendy]

And--- (I keep thinking something else)- if this is new behavior or different or worsening behavior, please have her evaluated medically. Elderly people with BPD could still have conditions such as dementia, medication reactions ( we found that increasing a medication dose led to confusion in my BPD mother) and infections- even a urinary tract infection can cause confusion in an elderly person.