How can I manage this

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well, I have loved this woman for 4 1/2 years and watched her in every state of her dysfunction. I am not a doctor, however; I believe she has BPD. Many of the symptoms, past family abuse and environment I feel were major contributors. Her family is as dysfunctional as I have ever seen. I have met her mother and I see where the environment has had an effect. Her mother had 3 sets of children by 3 different men. One of which was my girlfriends father whom see never knew because he was so physically and mentally abusive to her mother that a local Klansman interceded on her behalf to rectify her situation after it was publicized. He later becomes her 3rd husband and has a set of children with him. He raises my girlfriend only till the age of twelve and then he's gone. Her fits of rage and perceived abandonment become uncontrollable, we all walk on eggshells around her, never knowing what might set her off.

In her threats to me she has said she would write my ss# & drivers license on the bathroom wall at the local mall. Texted my daughter sexual inappropriate details of our sexual relations. The list goes on and on... .

We are no longer seeing one another and I worry about her. I still love her and would do anything for her. We tried counseling through our church which I know now was ineffective because she desperately needs a clinical resolve. She has a deeply intimate desire for family but alienates herself from all her friends over the past four years. Initially I was the rescuer but now I am the villain. I attempted to involve her around my children, parents, & siblings early because of this need only to have her text my daughter and sisters about our sexual history and her desire for marriage. She felt as though I was not interested in marriage and I used her all these years,but I actually am quite in Love with her still. I would have married her if it wasn't for the fits of rage that scared me. I believe she has gone on to the next shinning knight, someone from her past. I could go on for hours telling you the horrific things that I have gone through in this relationship. I want to move on but I feel so connected to her and her welfare. If I knew what I know now maybe it would be different. I still want to help! She won't answer my calls. What should I do?

[Stillloveher]

Well, I have loved this woman for 4 1/2 years and watched her in every state of her dysfunction. I am not a doctor, however; I believe she has BPD. Many of the symptoms, past family abuse and environment I feel were major contributors. Her family is as dysfunctional as I have ever seen. I have met her mother and I see where the environment has had an effect. Her mother had 3 sets of children by 3 different men. One of which was my girlfriends father whom see never knew because he was so physically and mentally abusive to her mother that a local Klansman interceded on her behalf to rectify her situation after it was publicized. He later becomes her 3rd husband and has a set of children with him. He raises my girlfriend only till the age of twelve and then he's gone. Her fits of rage and perceived abandonment become uncontrollable, we all walk on eggshells around her, never knowing what might set her off.

In her threats to me she has said she would write my ss# & drivers license on the bathroom wall at the local mall. Texted my daughter sexual inappropriate details of our sexual relations. The list goes on and on... .

We are no longer seeing one another and I worry about her. I still love her and would do anything for her. We tried counseling through our church which I know now was ineffective because she desperately needs a clinical resolve. She has a deeply intimate desire for family but alienates herself from all her friends over the past four years. Initially I was the rescuer but now I am the villain. I attempted to involve her around my children, parents, & siblings early because of this need only to have her text my daughter and sisters about our sexual history and her desire for marriage. She felt as though I was not interested in marriage and I used her all these years,but I actually am quite in Love with her still. I would have married her if it wasn't for the fits of rage that scared me. I believe she has gone on to the next shinning knight, someone from her past. I could go on for hours telling you the horrific things that I have gone through in this relationship. I want to move on but I feel so connected to her and her welfare. If I knew what I know now maybe it would be different. I still want to help! She won't answer my calls. What should I do?

[heartandwhole]

Hi Stillloveher,



That is a tough situation to be in. I hear that you still love your ex, and that is very understandable. I'm sorry that your relationship has ended. It can be very difficult to get through a breakup with someone with BPD. That was my experience, and the experience of many others here.  But once through, you can thrive again, and the wisdom that you gain through self-examination and tools and new skills is something that will help you the rest of  your life. 

What caused or provoked the breakup? How long ago was it?

Keep posting. We are here to support you through this.

heartandwhole

[ynwa]

*hello*

Hey Still,  I also wanted to say hi, and am glad you found the board.  Thank for sharing, and being honest.  We here on the board have been through similar relationships and know how hard it is to find yourself "alone" with so many questions and feelings. And like heartandwhole said, you aren't alone.

Ynwa

[Stillloveher]

We broke up (officially) 1st week in December, although their were many previous breakups due to her/me and our inability to cope with issue. She did not like to address anything via conversation. It quite often and quickly ended with her blowing up at me with irrational conclusions. We were set to take a cruise right before Christmas which her birthday was is on the 24th. Things had become really rocky the prior year. I had gone through previous episodes of her threating me (breaking windows out of my car/ home) and also threats she made to my daughter whom she always saw as a threat to our relationship. Now after 4 1/2 years the relationship is reduced to be about sex only on my part (at least this is what she concluded) we decided to abstain because she wanted to hold off till marriage. She often made critical comments during sex regarding my weight and posture in the act. Very hurtful things but I just pushed past them because I knew she was projecting. After all this as crazy as it sounds I still love her and want to help. My friends say move on but it's not that easy. I'm feel like I'm losing my grip here, never considered it would be this tough. I always knew it would end as dysfunctional as it started. I have tried reaching out to let her know I am still here for her, she has blocked my calls and now is seeing another person I suspect.

[ynwa]

Hey Still,

As much as I know you still have feelings for this person, it sounds like you also are trying to balance their behavior and how it makes you feel.  This is not easy, and is very one sided at times right?  Just because you see the projection does not mean it does not have an effect on you. 

My relationship also ended almost the same time as yours, and I know it's taken me all this time to just start to understand how important it was to step away and detach, more importantly DISENGAGE from the behaviors, including mine.

I know it's hard, it is for me.  And the feelings are often stronger than the logic.  We aren't going to fix them, and we often break ourselves somewhat in trying.

I found this board and was able to share those feelings and frustrations.  It's given me breathing room to work out that I was spinning my wheels a bit.

Are you being there for you?   That is the question I had to learn to ask myself everyday.

[Stillloveher]

Thank you ynwa!