Unsure how to move forward with relationship

[Izzymarie]

I really want to have a good relationship with my mum but I feel like I have got to a point where I don’t think that is possible and I feel like the only thing I can do to stop keep getting hurt is to cut contact but I’m finding it really hard and I feel constantly guilty about it and questioning whether or not I’m doing the right thing. My mum blames my dad (they are divorced) for all of her hurt and anger and also the rest of his family. Her saying horrible things about them and ignoring me or being angry over small things after I see them or if I talk about any of them in a positive way has caused massive issues in our relationship since I was a child. She won’t respect any boundaries I set in asking her not to say any of this stuff to me and gets upset and accuses me of calling her a liar if I don’t go along with what she says.
She has a history of extreme anger and sometimes violence towards everyone in the house when we were growing up but denies that she was ever angry or violent and thinks that me and my sister were just badly behaved and trying to spite her or were ganging up on her. And her story now is that any of her behaviour that might be considered not ok was because my dad was abusive to her and therefore not her fault. Her family accept this story and fully support my mum that my dad and his family are the cause of all the problems. She maintains that my grandparents turned me against her even tho they always encouraged me to maintain a good relationship with my mum whenever I was struggling with it and she won’t accept this however much I say this.
My sister struggled with anorexia as a teenager and my mum treated it as if she was just behaving badly and acting out for attention and even after my sister took an overdose and had her stomach pumped my mum has maintained the view that she never really intended to cause herself any harm and it was mostly just  for show. My sister stopped contact with my mum for 5 years in which tiem my said horrible things about her and blames my  dad for my sisters lack of contact and says he turned her against her. My sister is now trying to rebuild that relationship with my mum over the last 6 months.
I cut contact with my mum for 6 months 2 years ago after my grandparents died and she continued to say awful things about them and refused to stop when I asked her too - I found our time apart really challenging and after my grandma on my mums side messaged me and said she couldn’t have anything to do with me anymore because I wasn’t talking to my mum I decided to try and rebuild the relationship and decided that I just needed to accept my mum for who she was and do whatever I can to make the relationship work. Things were a lot better over the next two years and I just avoided any triggering topics for her and our relationship was mostly over phone calls and I thought we had got to a really good place and thought I might have been wrong about thinking it could be bdp and that maybe she had just been really struggling when we had grown up and now after the divorce things were better.
I moved back in with my mum for a few months with my partner following a big injury to recover and initially I was really excited because I thought things had got better and I wanted to be close with my mum but after a Month or so things just started to slip back to how they had been before and I saw her treat my brother who is 16 in ways that I really wasn’t happy with and after a couple of months we were right back at her explosive shouting and accusing me of not loving her and accusing my partner of stuff and shouting horrible stuff about my dad we had to move out. I told her that was why we were moving out and she just said ok and then when I packed up my stuff she stood looking at my babyphotos with her partner but would not look or talk to me. Straight after I left she invited me to a yoga festival and to come work with her but never aknowledged the blow up argument or anything that she had said or that I had moved out cos of her behaviour and I when I didn’t engage with carrying on as though nothing had happened she hasn’t messaged me since which was about a month ago and I haven’t messaged her either. I really want to cut contact completely but I’m scared I will end up going back and we will go round this cycle again. I’m so tired all this up and down and upset around her taking over my life and my head all the time and I really want to just get away from it but it goes round my head constantly and I’m always worried that maybe i misunderstood what happened or my memories are wrong and I feel guilty and that I should try and make amends but I also know I can’t do that.

[Swimmy55]

Hi Izzymarie,
First of  all, don't negate your experience or feelings .  Your bpd Mother's opinion does not sum up your reality.  You have moved out and reached out to us for support.   Good first steps.  Continue reading through this website and some of the suggested readings in the library on this site.   You will soon come to understand the best way to help your mother is to help yourself first.  I am 62 years old , my undiagnosed bpd Dad is 92, and I still feel very uncomfortable around him when I visit / call him. They do have that ability to "guilt" us when it is not warranted.  Making amends when you have done  nothing wrong is a way to try to.appease the bpd. But that is trying to fill a  Never ending neediness on your bpd's part and will not do her or you any good. You don't say what your mother's age is ( is she elderly and needs to be looked after)?  If not, taking a break for yourself, whether it be a day, week ,or month may help you at this juncture while you work on yourself. Please consider us a part of your mental health network , we are here for you.  Some of us also are in therapy  here, that also may be something  to consider on your journey to wellness.

[Izzymarie]

Hi Swimmy55,
Thank you for your reply she is not elderly, I started therpay a couple of months ago which has really helped starting to come to terms with taking a break from the relationship.

[kells76]

Hi Izzymarie  I'd like to join with Swimmy55 to welcome you to the group.

Good to hear you were able to start therapy -- it can be so helpful to get your head on straight, because there can be a lot of confusion when BPD is part of a relationship. I've leaned on my therapist a lot as my husband and I navigate how his kids' mom's BPD impacts our family system.

It's clear you've been through a lot of pain and hurt in your family in a short amount of time; I'm sorry that's been your experience. All of us want warm, welcoming, supportive, validating families, and yet many of us don't get that, and it's wounding.

In terms of your concern here:

I really want to cut contact completely but I’m scared I will end up going back and we will go round this cycle again. I’m so tired all this up and down and upset around her taking over my life and my head all the time and I really want to just get away from it but it goes round my head constantly and I’m always worried that maybe i misunderstood what happened or my memories are wrong and I feel guilty and that I should try and make amends but I also know I can’t do that.

Swimmy55 had a helpful thought:

taking a break for yourself, whether it be a day, week ,or month may help you at this juncture while you work on yourself.

Sometimes we believe that cutting contact with a family member is "all or nothing", or "it can only be forever". Instead, we have options: we can get in touch with ourselves, check in with our emotions and energy levels, and decide how much we are up for, for now. You might decide to take it one day at a time -- every morning, you can see where you're at, and decide "am I up for getting back in touch, or will I give myself a break today?"

You aren't required to make grand statements or commit to impressive plans, like "I shall go no contact with my mother for two years". Life doesn't always work like that. The specific time frame is much less important than you valuing yourself and listening to yourself. Who knows, you might learn that you need some space for 9 days, or 56 days, or 2200 days, and then you're ready to get back in touch... or not. But you get to be the person deciding, and you aren't somehow "stuck" if you decide "I must go NC with my mom" and then the next day you actually feel ready to connect again. You would get to.

...

How have your therapy sessions gone so far?