New here, I'm trying to figure out how to use the forum and site, so excuse me if I'm in the wrong category/topic.
Broke up with my bpd ex girlfriend 1 month ago.
Why I'm here:
To figure out more about what was going on, what is going on and how I need to move forward.
The relationship:
2 1/2 years, and 1 1/2 years of it in an open relationship.
For around the first year nobody knew she has bpd, we met when she was 18 and I was 25. Her symptoms started after around 3 months into the relationship, but I did not know what the heck was going on and started putting up with it. The idealization in the beginning was heavy and the engulfment absolute, having her around 24/7. We both also didn't have to work or study at that short moment. Then suddenly out of nowhere she started screaming for 2 hours straight about something ridiculously insignificant, that was the first time I contemplated about ending this relationship. But I was too naive and when it happened many times after, I somehow got used to it and put up with it and tried to "fix" her. At the time she went to therapy already, but an utterly bad one at best. After telling her, that she needs to talk about certain things and address them, the therapist told her that she doesn't sound like having bpd at all, and she shouldn't let me diagnose her, gaslight her, etc. and that "having demands as a woman" is normal and that she should not come here to discuss things I see as significant, rather its a place for her to talk about anything general in her life. After that she was denying she has bpd, refused to see someone for a diagnosis and even went as far as telling me I have npd and want to control her. Over time I managed to convince her still, and now she received an official diagnosis (EUPD) and is in group therapy. The diagnosis was from 3 months ago, but she accepted she has bdp a year ago. When she opened the relationship after a year, I agreed to it out of spite I think and subconsciously was happy I get the chance to find someone else. I think the only reason I stayed this long was trauma bonding. Whenever I slept with other women it felt like cheating and whenever she did it I felt cheated. But that was in contrast to my logical reasoning about it. I like to have sex, who doesn't. She does it too, its normal. We both agreed to it, its consensual, we both get the same thing out of it. But my emotions felt different.
The symptoms:
She frequently had screaming rages, where she was a master in twisting facts and realities into something totally made up, was irrational at best to argue with and obsessed over "lines" taken out of context entirely and made them into something different. She was constantly quoting me wrong, putting words in my mouth and only stopping her verbal abuse if I have some agreement and apologies ready for the utter nonsense spewed. Sometimes she became physical, but not in a seriously harmful way (physically) since she is a petite girl, the hits were also more like slaps, mostly harmful psychologically. During those rages which could last from minutes to hours, it was impossible to escape. Going to another room meant she'd slam the door until its opened or threaten to break something in the other room, like my (work) laptop. Telling her to stop meant she doesn't hear it and keeps demanding to agree with her and doing exactly what she says and thinking the exact same thing. Leaving the apt meant threats of police with recorded videos of when I physically started to stop her assaults and tried to remove her from my flat, saying things like I just hit her or Im hurting her arms and making up made up audio stories or for something minor (really laughable) I did unrelated to her, where she has evidence. Or threats of breaking up and suicide threats as a last measure. So there was only an enduring it and hoping its over soon. I think at some point I also resigned and got depressed. She was also constantly questioning if I love her and stated I don't care about her, I always felt really off when she did that and I always knew deep down that she is projecting, but the cognitive dissonance of what that meant made me deny that and put it on her insecurities and that she maybe has difficulty believing it because she doesn't love herself. She also had huge emotional regulation issues, crying all the time over minor things. She was passive aggressive all the time, constantly demanding something. After hours of listening to her rages and agreeing on stuff I did not agree with she felt like I didn't listen to her and don't care. When I talk about my own issues with how she acts, it immediately gets twisted into I did this and that and then it becomes about what makes her unhappy with me, bla bla. She also never respected any boundaries and it was impossible to draw them with her, considering the escalation she used when it didn't go her way. She also had understandable issues with her father drinking, but I also often needed a beer to cope with this sh*t, which was again feeding into everything. When I was not responding within minutes, she would start to call, when I didnt pick up, she wouldnt stop. When I needed to end a call quick to do something, like pay in a supermarket, she just wouldnt let me sometimes. She cut herself 3 times after fights we had and I had to call the police one time and the ambulance one time because of more serious suicide threats (one time she said shes doing it now and didnt let me inside the apt building again and didnt pick up, had to call police to enter, one time she said she already took a lethal pill dosage and its too late, had to call the ambulance, was also a lie). One time she hit my face in a fight where I was already trying to leave because of her constant screaming and banged someone a few hours later, getting dominated with marks on her body, which we specifically established as a boundary. In the end she was twisting it like if I just overreacted and can't cope with the open relationship and got angry at me again.
The break up:
At some point I just snapped and knew this will not have any future, even though she is in therapy, I can't take it anymore until/if she gets better. It helped that she also recently had a hookup, it always made me feel distant for some days (which she never understood
). I was actually shocked, that she didnt behave like a petulant child or in her usual entitled way. She also pretended like she wanted the break up too, because I'm not doing enough activities, and that's what she needs in a partner (
) and I let her have that because it felt like she can deal better with it this way, thinking it was her idea as well all along. She initially talked about still seeing each other, like once a week, because the sex is good. That ended up in basically chatting each day still. It made me also know and realize why its so great I finally broke up with her. We met then again after 2 weeks and it was so horrible. Another 2 weeks later, she and I both agreed its best to have a cleaner cut and not see each other again for 2 months, so we saw each other for a last time and it was a bit healing too. Since then, a week has passed and I now know why I have to end it for good and not see her again after those 2 months. I'm also understanding more and more since the last days about what I went through and why I need to stay the f*ck away with consistency. Unfortunately she also works at an event I supervise in 2 weeks where I will see her, she asked me if she can keep that job she had for 2 years and is also doing well, she literally earns nothing besides that and is living with her parents who are wealthy but super difficult when it comes to providing the bare minimum (sometimes she doesn't have enough food left). So I dont know yet if I should take someone else from december on to not see/interact with her or not. We don't have time to talk at those events anyways.
Where I'm at now:
I have developed some depression symptoms and ptsd symptoms, like a rush building up inside of my head, sweat outbreak and everything tensing up, the hypervigilance, the lack of energy and more. As an absolutely passive person (she) that is constantly sending mixed signals about preferences, sometimes a random lashout during, combined with my mental state and the incapacity to handle performance stress and overthinking I sometimes have ED randomly. I feel like I've lost myself and have to redefine myself again. I don't really know where to start so I came to this forum. I've had many realizations since the break up, like that she did not love me and I was used (I conclude this based on the fact, that she probably does not have an identity and I am a parent replacement and not a romantic loved one and that she constantly said I dont love her or care about her), but also that I may have some issues on my own from my childhood. The crazy thing is (statistically weird at minimum), that the last 9 women I dated from during the open relationship until even now after, all had bpd. But I had no way of knowing it before the date, communication was very short and reduced, I have checked and their style of texting were very different and also they look extremely different in terms of style/vibe. My uncle says my mother has bpd, my aunt says my uncle is talking crap and she hasn't. What was scary for me to realize is that my bpd ex has striking similarities to my mother in some ways, not totally bpd related ones. I want to find resources to understand what was going on and how I can move forward better and maybe talk to some people who had similar experiences or situations.
