Am I enabling?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My BPD partner tells me (when he's calm and not raging) that when he's hurling abuse at me that I should just ignore it and comfort him by cuddling him and telling him everything will be ok etc but I find that so incredibly hard to do when he's insulting me and hurting me so much. If I do this am I enabling him? Or should I walk away and not engage him? I find that if I walk away and tell him I'm not going to respond to him until he's calm then he gets even more abusive and starts screaming and throwing things.

[Coping64]

My BPD partner tells me (when he's calm and not raging) that when he's hurling abuse at me that I should just ignore it and comfort him by cuddling him and telling him everything will be ok etc but I find that so incredibly hard to do when he's insulting me and hurting me so much. If I do this am I enabling him? Or should I walk away and not engage him? I find that if I walk away and tell him I'm not going to respond to him until he's calm then he gets even more abusive and starts screaming and throwing things.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Andrea, Great question!  The first line of defense is usually validation, whereby you acknowledge and mirror his feelings.  If that proves ineffective, then the second line of defense is usually disengagement (e.g., "I will not participate in an abusive conversation".  If that fails, then the third line of defense is usually boundaries: leave the room or, if necessary, leave your home.

Sad to say, I kept an overnight bag in the trunk of my car for those occasions when I tried a, b and c, without success.  In my experience, a pwBPD will treat you like a doormat, unless and until you set boundaries.  I don't think it's your job to be someone's punching bag, so I favor leaving the room or leaving your home if the abuse persists.

LuckyJim