Overwhelmed and in need of guidance/ Younger sister with BDP traits had a child

[pumpkin2020]

Hello,

I'm really happy to have found these forums.  My younger adult sister, whom I love, has been mean to me for years. We were close in our childhood but she has grown extremely difficult to be around for me and my husband.  She has badmouthed me to my tween over and over again.  Then, a week later, she'll be bright, sunny, funny.  The trouble is she's super intelligent and charismatic, making it hard to stay away for long or get your hopes up when she's "in a good mood," that it may last for some time.

Although she lives abroad, most days can still be stressful because of her.  For example, she'll call and if I am unable talk right at that moment, and try to call back, she will not answer for days, apparently as a punishment for my not having been available exactly when she dialed.

Now, she has a 3-month old, my first niece.  And I am really not sure how to deal with the situation.  How will I ever be able to schedule visits? (Trying to schedule anything with my sister is an absolute nightmare.). My greatest stress from the situation is seeing how it affects my parents who are devastated to see that we are not close.  If on top of that, I do not figure out a way to have a relationship with the baby or make some kind of visits work, they'll be so disappointed, as will I.  But my sister makes me so stressed out (main symptom for me after dealing with her: severe insomnia), that I do not know how I will make this work and still balance my work and my own family responsibilities.

Thank you,
Pumpkin

[TelHill]

Hello pumpkin2020,

Welcome to the forum

I have a dBPD mother and an older sibling who has some sort of personality disorder. There was always tension and upset when I was growing up. My parents tended to reach out to me to take on a role like peacemaker, hero, parent to smooth things over. It didn’t resolve emotional upsets but placed an unfair burden on any one of us at any time. As a child, I was often put into a parent role to calm down my dysregulated mother. It was an overwhelming and painful role.

That’s called the Karpman Drama Triangle because two people who are upset reach out to a third person for balance. . It could be happening to you and your parents as they as reach out to you as a bridge to regulate your dysregulated sister.

No one can force your sister to act like she doesn’t have a personality disorder.

My sibling is similar to your sister where they can be charming and say nice things. It’s kept me off balance. I yearn for a loving family. I have to remind myself of  their cruel behavior towards me and lack of remorse. What’s helped is not trying to help anyone to act reasonably.I don’t participate in any Karpman triangle when offered. I do low contact and it keeps me safe from the harm my family members caused me and can cause if I let my guard down.

[Greg]

My greatest stress from the situation is seeing how it affects my parents

...but what about you?  it is so common in these abusive relationships that we minimize our needs and self-worth to absolutely zilch.  Wouldn't it make sense that the greatest stress in this is seeing how it affects you, your heart, your sanity?

I don't think we can live for other people.  If we don't have our health and our sanity, we don't have much of anything.  If there's an opportunity down the road to warn the niece, that would help I'm sure.  But healing & protecting ourselves should come first.  Please don't let anyone guilt or shame you into continuing a relationship with an abusive BPD