A Road Map

[Nordeuro]

Hello, I've found my way here because of recently realizing that my mother had BPD traits.  I was devalued and I believed it.  My relationship with her had a profound impact on my mental health, including emotional neglect, anxiety, depression.  I am ADHD, highly sensitive. I found myself, at the age of < 18 going to the library to find out how to help my mother be a better mother but it didn't matter.  She didn't change.  We argued constantly it seemed.  I kept trying and trying and trying over and over and over to bond with her.  I had no idea what was going on.  By the time I reached adulthood and early 20s, I found myself accepting that I was a horrible person and almost ruined my life.  I found a way to get away from my parents but it didn't stop me from finding myself in repeated relationships with persons who suffer from various issues all similar to BPD and/or Cluster B type personalities.  Most lately, I found myself involved with a person who seemed completely normal at first, was engaging and interesting, I had no clue that I had again found myself with someone who exhibits classic BPD traits, and I fed right into it and now I'm shaking my head at all that has happened in just a short amount of time.  A part of me has never given up on bonding with my mother, believing that if I don't, I cannot continue to develop as a human being.  I see now that I have no choice but to give up but I don't know how.  I spent so much time forgiving her and accepting that she was who she was.  But I never gave up the hope that somehow I could bond with her, or a surrogate her.  I have always been familiar with BPD but for some reason I never realized that my mother had those traits.  My mother is deceased now but she is still inside me, I saw beauty in her that I have never forgotten and it is this ability to see the beauty in others while denying the existence of their defensive behaviors which has always got me into trouble. How do you grieve this kind of thing? How do you find peace in a seemingly impossible situation?  How do you let go of wanting to be bonded with a loving parent, find peace within yourself, and find the strength to establish boundaries with people now in your life, or who may again show up in your life, who continue the process of devaluing you but want you in their lives at the same time?  It is this the combination of these factors that drive one crazy.

[zachira]

You are far from alone in grieving the loss of a mother with strong BPD traits and the distressing impacts this has had/has on your life. Know that having a mother with strong BPD traits is a life long sorrow. Keep getting to know yourself, taking care of yourself, and working on establishing healthier boundaries with others. My mother with BPD is deceased. I will likely be working on self care and making healthier relationships with others until the day I die.

[Nordeuro]

Just knowing someone else has experienced this is very helpful to me, thank you.  I have no problem creating boundaries with persons who are obviously a detriment to my well being, but when they seem so normal at first...just getting to know them, it sneaks up on you.  Anyway, thanks again.

[Notwendy]

Our family of origin is an influence on our adult relationships- we feel a certain familiarity with people who remind us of them, even if the family member is disordered. Once aware of this, we can work at changing how we relate to others.

I understand the wish to bond with the disordered parent. I have a mother with BPD. I think our tendency to focus on the best in a person is a coping mechanism. Also, it's the only "normal" we know.

I think that change requires some personal work- for me it's been counseling and 12 step ACA groups. ACA also includes family dysfunction- the behaviors are similar to families with alcohol and drug addiction. There is reflection on childhood experiences in ACA- not to "blame" but to look at learned behaviors and work on personal change.

The parent- child relationship is unique. I think it helps to realize that we can not look to other people to "fill" that bond we wished for. We can still have other important relationships- family, friends, partners- and they can be loving but if we look for something we feel we are missing in someone else- it may lead to us bonding with another disordered person.

I think there's grief involved but also some acceptance of the situation- not that my mother's behavior is acceptable but the source is her own distress and emotions and not something anyone can change for her. It's also helped to understand that it's not something we did or didn't do. For me, personally, I think 12 steps has helped a lot with this.

You are now aware of this tendency you have to seek a bond with disordered people. This doesn't mean avoiding all relationships- but working with a counselor on this may help you to change this tendency and make a better relationship possible.

[TelHill]

Hello, I've found my way here because of recently realizing that my mother had BPD traits.  I was devalued and I believed it.  My relationship with her had a profound impact on my mental health, including emotional neglect, anxiety, depression.  I am ADHD, highly sensitive. I found myself, at the age of < 18 going to the library to find out how to help my mother be a better mother but it didn't matter.  She didn't change.  We argued constantly it seemed.  I kept trying and trying and trying over and over and over to bond with her.  I had no idea what was going on. 

Hi nordeuro,

This is the story of my life with my diagnosed (7 years ago) BPD mom. She was abusive and scary in every way from my earliest memory. I felt constantly rejected and unloved. She ridiculed everything about me.

 By the time I reached adulthood and early 20s, I found myself accepting that I was a horrible person and almost ruined my life.  I found a way to get away from my parents but it didn't stop me from finding myself in repeated relationships with persons who suffer from various issues all similar to BPD and/or Cluster B type personalities.  Most lately, I found myself involved with a person who seemed completely normal at first, was engaging and interesting, I had no clue that I had again found myself with someone who exhibits classic BPD traits, and I fed right into it and now I'm shaking my head at all that has happened in just a short amount of time. 

I’m glad you left this person! This has been the story of my life with romantic relationships. 

A bpd parent can take on many classifications per Christine Ann Lawson’s book ‘Understanding The Borderline Mother.’ Mine dabbles a bit in waif, queen, and hermit. Her main characteristic is witch. She had no kindness or charm. I would be happy when a super nice and intelligent guy would be extremely interested in me and accelerate things quickly. He was nothing like my mother and I could avoid that gnawing, painful all-consuming fear of being rejected.

They all turned out to be just like my mother. Now I see I was being love bombed and set up to be abused.

A part of me has never given up on bonding with my mother, believing that if I don't, I cannot continue to develop as a human being.  I see now that I have no choice but to give up but I don't know how.  I spent so much time forgiving her and accepting that she was who she was.

This was what I had to do in my quest to heal. I couldn’t go forward without it. I’ve been helped by going to Codependents Anonymous. It helps me to feel less alone to hear the stories of people there who’ve had dissatisfying relationships due to abusive backgrounds.

Going to therapy helps some people. I’ll go back at some stage when I have more disposable income to seek an excellent (and expensive   Psychologist or Psychiatrist. I haven’t been helped by the therapists I’ve seen because they don’t get bpd and/or I don’t fit the stereotype of an abused person. I’ve never abused substances and have done okay with school and career.

I have also been helped by practicing my faith. I’m a Catholic and there are YouTube videos by a Catholic priest and practicing Psychologist (licensed PhD)who discusses childhood abuse and has techniques to heal emotional wounds. I’m not looking for converts or proselytizing. It’s helped me decrease negative self talk and despair.

[Notwendy]

I found the 12 steps to be helpful too. It can be adapted to any belief system. There are people of all relgions and atheists in the groups I have attended.

The atheists in the 12 step groups I have been in have found a way to relate to the "Higher Power" concept in a way that works for them.

If there's an expert who speaks to you in your own faith tradition, I think that is helpful. Tell Hill- I think it's great that you found someone with both expertise and your shared faith and that practicing your religion helps.

[TelHill]

I’m not looking for converts or proselytizing.  I hope I didn’t cone across like that.  I find that icky!

Healing from an abusive childhood is not a one-size-fits all solution. It has taken me time and many missteps. We all deserve a good life free from abuse.

I truly hope you find something which works, nordeuro.

[Notwendy]

I’m not looking for converts or proselytizing.  I hope I didn’t cone across like that.  I find that icky!

Healing from an abusive childhood is not a one-size-fits all solution. It has taken me time and many missteps. We all deserve a good life free from abuse.

I truly hope you find something which works, nordeuro.

I didn't see it that way at all. I've seen people recover in their own way in different ways. When people share in the groups- they share what helped them. People are free to decide how it may or may not work for them.

So, I am used to people sharing their own religious and/or non religious paths. In ACA there's even a part that examines the family religion. In some families, when disordered parents practice a religion, how they present it might be disordered too. In ACA, people in recovery can re-examine the religion they were raised in. Some have reconnected with it in their own way and for others, they feel they need to do something different.

I am glad it helps you