Hi Nordeuro, you're raising some great questions that get to the heart of being in BPD relationships.
One of the biggest and healthiest (and most counterintuitive!) changes we can make, as we learn more about BPD, is turning our focus off of them (what do they need, how can I support them, how can I not set them off, how are they feeling) and on to ourselves.
We can't have truly healthy relationships with others if our focus remains external -- always attuned to and shining light on others, trying to figure them out, trying to guess what they want, wondering if they know XYZ about themselves.
We need to start with ourselves, getting clear on our own values, beliefs, and priorities. Only after we befriend ourselves first, and care about ourselves first, can we extend that healthy relating to others.
So I wonder if a lot of this grey area you're describing:
maybe we are friends? But I don't know.
I think we are friends but now I'm realizing her idea of friends may be quite different...
I don't want to ask her about it as this time because we are kind of in this holding pattern ...
It's the whole eggshell thing and I ask myself, why? Why do you want to do this? lt's complicated...
I would like to be a supportive friend to her, but I have no idea what she may be thinking. She is very aware of mental health topics and what she is going through herself, maybe she is aware that she may be borderlineish herself? I don't know.
might resolve if you turn the spotlight off of "are we friends, does she experience our friendship the same, does she think she's BPD, what is she even thinking" and turn it on to:
what are my values, including in friendships?
what do I choose to let into my life in relationships -- what are my
boundaries (rules for myself)?
how much time and energy do I choose to have for others? do I spend time and energy on understanding and nurturing myself?
can I be OK with focusing on myself and allowing my friendships to respond to that?
am I OK with losing relationships due to choosing to be healthier and grow?
...
What you shared here makes a lot of sense:
I'm just gonna go along here and take care of myself and be a friend to her, if I can.
Maybe the relationship will kind of resolve itself to a natural level, after you choose to take care of yourself as your top priority.
People who value you will still be there as your friend, even if you focus on your own well-being first.
Thanks for bringing up this topic
