Divorce served on 13.5yr Marriage to undiagnosed BPD - a cautionary tale

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What went down:

My wife decided on Friday October 4th to become incensed that I was not taking the day off of work to clean our home for a visit that would take place on Sunday, 2 days on.  I finished a personal therapy session remotely in my office on the 2nd level of the home, and at noon after this session I came downstairs to fix a quick breakfast as I had not eaten due to getting children up and ready for the bus, then had work meetings and a therapy session. 

My wife had procrastinated on working on cleaning the home until this point and knew that there was a large amount of work to be done to tidy our home for visitors.  She is the neat freak who enjoys a museum-esque home when we host.  I find it OK as I like to put our best foot forward but it's onerous and tedious as we have our kids a 6s and 8d who are coming out of the ages of no accountability for their messes.

I went to the kitchen to fix eggs and toast, put a pan on the stove and my coffee mug half full in the microwave.  My wife who was watching television, is a stay at home parent and decided to engage me in an angry spat telling me that she needed me to get all of the cleaning work done that day so that she could be assured it was done before guests arrive.  I reminded her it was Sunday afternoon they were expected, that I was on it, and that my contributions would be done Saturday by the afternoon.  That wasn't soon enough for her, she angrily grabbed the pan and went to our sliding door and threw it out into the yard while yelling angry expletives at me.  The microwave beeped and she retrieved my mug and threw that out too.    Then after that I immediately decided that it was best to try to deescalate the situation and so I let her know that I was going to go up to my office to create distance between us to allow her to calm down. So I went up to my office immediately closed the door locked it and sat down to relax. However she decided to follow me up there and to yell and scream and make all kinds of angry comments to me. She started to kick and punch the door telling me that I needed to come out and talk to her immediately. I refused and she disappeared downstairs leaving things quiet outside the door.

At this point I decided to take out my recorder on my phone and start it up because it was really scary and I didn't know if she was gonna come back. Turns out my intuition was right she returned and told me to come out and talk to her right now and if I didn't she would have to do something to open the door. She's told me to come out right then called me a bunch more names and that if I didn't she'd have to knock the door down. Then she proceeded to attack a this hollow door with a hammer. She put about 10 or 12 holes in the door with shards flying everywhere inside the room. Until the hammer that she was using popped through the door on my side of the room. She paused and disappeared downstairs and I had hoped and assumed that this would be the end of the altercation and she would calm down. However she decided to show up again 30 seconds later with a second hammer and proceeded to put 10 more holes in the door. She then disappeared downstairs and things became quiet. So I took pictures of the door and ran down stairs to our master bedroom where I change my clothes grabbed car keys and left the house. I went for a walk around our neighborhood to try to calm down. Then I got in our car and left the house because I was afraid of what she would do to me physically. I went to a local grocery store and sat in the parking lot and tried to calm down.

While there, I talked to her on the phone when she called me and let her know how scary what she did was and she told me that she was demoing the door on purpose because we were replacing it. Then she proceeded to inform me that she was actually angry all morning because she told me I sexually assaulted her in that morning. And that was the reasoning for her being so upset with me which had not been uttered at all until that point.  A completely false allegation for which there was no basis.  We had not had sexual contact for 4 weeks prior to this, both fully clothed all night etc.  This is the first time she had ever made such a claim or any claim like it in our 13.5 year marriage.

The kids were picked up by myself that afternoon after no call no showing my remote work job, she proceeded to take a nap that evening leaving me to care for the kids.  I slept in a separate guest bedroom in our home for the following seven days not feeling safe in the house. Then the following Sunday I decided to leave the home and separate from her and went to live with my brother. Since then I have filed for divorce and she has been served this past week. I miss my kids dearly and have such a hard time not seeing them every morning and every night before they go to bed.

She has since told me on numerous occasions that she apologized for making an awful accusation that wasn't true and for becoming so angry and trashing the door.

So what do you all think about this situation? Would you have allowed this type of behavior to continue in the marriage? Would you have filed for divorce yourself? Is this just a spat between married lovers? 

Full disclosure: My "working theory" about my wife who has exhibited enough DSM5 traits of BPD (7) to confirm her issue for me but is currently professionally undiagnosed is that she suffers from at least BPD. 

[uncle_radical]

What went down:

My wife decided on Friday October 4th to become incensed that I was not taking the day off of work to clean our home for a visit that would take place on Sunday, 2 days on.  I finished a personal therapy session remotely in my office on the 2nd level of the home, and at noon after this session I came downstairs to fix a quick breakfast as I had not eaten due to getting children up and ready for the bus, then had work meetings and a therapy session. 

My wife had procrastinated on working on cleaning the home until this point and knew that there was a large amount of work to be done to tidy our home for visitors.  She is the neat freak who enjoys a museum-esque home when we host.  I find it OK as I like to put our best foot forward but it's onerous and tedious as we have our kids a 6s and 8d who are coming out of the ages of no accountability for their messes.

I went to the kitchen to fix eggs and toast, put a pan on the stove and my coffee mug half full in the microwave.  My wife who was watching television, is a stay at home parent and decided to engage me in an angry spat telling me that she needed me to get all of the cleaning work done that day so that she could be assured it was done before guests arrive.  I reminded her it was Sunday afternoon they were expected, that I was on it, and that my contributions would be done Saturday by the afternoon.  That wasn't soon enough for her, she angrily grabbed the pan and went to our sliding door and threw it out into the yard while yelling angry expletives at me.  The microwave beeped and she retrieved my mug and threw that out too.    Then after that I immediately decided that it was best to try to deescalate the situation and so I let her know that I was going to go up to my office to create distance between us to allow her to calm down. So I went up to my office immediately closed the door locked it and sat down to relax. However she decided to follow me up there and to yell and scream and make all kinds of angry comments to me. She started to kick and punch the door telling me that I needed to come out and talk to her immediately. I refused and she disappeared downstairs leaving things quiet outside the door.

At this point I decided to take out my recorder on my phone and start it up because it was really scary and I didn't know if she was gonna come back. Turns out my intuition was right she returned and told me to come out and talk to her right now and if I didn't she would have to do something to open the door. She's told me to come out right then called me a bunch more names and that if I didn't she'd have to knock the door down. Then she proceeded to attack a this hollow door with a hammer. She put about 10 or 12 holes in the door with shards flying everywhere inside the room. Until the hammer that she was using popped through the door on my side of the room. She paused and disappeared downstairs and I had hoped and assumed that this would be the end of the altercation and she would calm down. However she decided to show up again 30 seconds later with a second hammer and proceeded to put 10 more holes in the door. She then disappeared downstairs and things became quiet. So I took pictures of the door and ran down stairs to our master bedroom where I change my clothes grabbed car keys and left the house. I went for a walk around our neighborhood to try to calm down. Then I got in our car and left the house because I was afraid of what she would do to me physically. I went to a local grocery store and sat in the parking lot and tried to calm down.

While there, I talked to her on the phone when she called me and let her know how scary what she did was and she told me that she was demoing the door on purpose because we were replacing it. Then she proceeded to inform me that she was actually angry all morning because she told me I sexually assaulted her in that morning. And that was the reasoning for her being so upset with me which had not been uttered at all until that point.  A completely false allegation for which there was no basis.  We had not had sexual contact for 4 weeks prior to this, both fully clothed all night etc.  This is the first time she had ever made such a claim or any claim like it in our 13.5 year marriage.

The kids were picked up by myself that afternoon after no call no showing my remote work job, she proceeded to take a nap that evening leaving me to care for the kids.  I slept in a separate guest bedroom in our home for the following seven days not feeling safe in the house. Then the following Sunday I decided to leave the home and separate from her and went to live with my brother. Since then I have filed for divorce and she has been served this past week. I miss my kids dearly and have such a hard time not seeing them every morning and every night before they go to bed.

She has since told me on numerous occasions that she apologized for making an awful accusation that wasn't true and for becoming so angry and trashing the door.

So what do you all think about this situation? Would you have allowed this type of behavior to continue in the marriage? Would you have filed for divorce yourself? Is this just a spat between married lovers? 

Full disclosure: My "working theory" about my wife who has exhibited enough DSM5 traits of BPD (7) to confirm her issue for me but is currently professionally undiagnosed is that she suffers from at least BPD. 

[SnailShell]

Man, I'm just so sorry you went through that.

I think you're right to leave.

[ForeverDad]

Here's my one sentence observation... You did what you had to do.

First, understand well that most family courts seem to studiously avoid peeking into the possibility that their usual view of emotional bickering might actually be a serious mental health issue.  Courts don't try to 'fix' a poorly behaving spouse.  (Maybe Anger Management classes but that's fairly rare because it would require repeated hearing and whatever.)  So you would do well to follow the court's approach to stick to evidence and facts.

A general pattern with people with BPD (pwBPD) is that the relationship gradually (then suddenly) becomes more dysfunctional.  And unless there is meaningful therapy that is diligently applied in the person's perceptions and life then any cycling back into nicer behavior won't last.

You set a Boundary for yourself, I will leave and end the adult relationship if things get bad.  It happened.  The flip side is that you need to continue to be an involved parent, or document such attempts.  That should be a priority now.  The longer you're not parenting and she claims you're not involved in parenting, the more court might assume this status is working and it may not be inclined to set a "temp" order much different than the current situation.

Sadly court is backlogged and it may be a few weeks or even a few months before you get a temp order hearing.  Document your attempts to continue parenting.  Is she obstructing your contact with them?  Can you take the kids to school or pick them up afterward for time with you?  Can you call and talk with them at least a few days each week?

Do not delete your proof of her actions that day.  (Some jurisdictions classify destruction of property as actionable abuse.  Consult your lawyer.)  Her aggressive behavior can refute a claim that she is a victim.  At the least, if you do tell her you deleted it from your phone in order to pacify her, do not tell her you made multiple copies and have them in safe places she cannot access either physically or electronically.

[ForeverDad]

So what do you all think about this situation? Would you have allowed this type of behavior to continue in the marriage? Would you have filed for divorce yourself? Is this just a spat between married lovers?

A spat that lasts years, with cycles up and down, mostly down?  No, this is dysfunction and unhealthy for everyone in the family.  Especially impacted are the children.

The children would benefit from long term counseling.  Most counselors require both parents to agree to counseling.  Since your spouse refuses therapy for herself, she's likely to refuse to allow them counseling.  However, a side benefit of involving family court is that courts love counseling.  While it won't order your stbEx (soon to be ex) into therapy, it will very likely side with you and authorize you to start the children in counseling.  Seek that in the temp order.

Meanwhile, perhaps the children's school counselors can be informed of the family situation and you can ask that they help as much as possible?
Do you have a copy of William Eddy's essential Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with a Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder?  (Do not order it from an account your stbEx can view.)

[PeteWitsend]

...

So what do you all think about this situation? Would you have allowed this type of behavior to continue in the marriage? Would you have filed for divorce yourself? Is this just a spat between married lovers? 

...

This situation is awful.  I would not have allowed it to continue, and would have filed for divorce as well.

She was way out of line, and her behavior is scary. Particularly on the point of how far she is willing to allow herself to go when she's angry... just no restraint on her own behavior, and extremely poor judgment.

She'll now do and say anything to try to preserve the marriage, but of course this sort of behavior will recur as soon as she feels secure again.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you had to feel the brunt of your wife's anger.  Her reaction was way, way out of line.  She was not only violent, but violent with pre-meditation, as she went to get a first and second hammer.  She showed little restraint in giving an outlet to her anger and frustration.

I think it's fairly typical for sufferers of BPD to make false accusations.  She likely felt terrible about her behavior, and rather than feel guilt and blame, she turned around and invented a story of sexual aggression.  I think this serves to deflect blame, and maybe even provide a justification for her outburst.  I have a pwBPD in my life, and she typically used to invent stories of ABUSE as an EXCUSE for her poor behavior.  There might have been a kernel of truth in her stories--for example, she might have had a conversation with someone who touched her--but then her brain would twist and turn fact patterns so that she became a victim of abuse.  She clung to this victim mentality like her life depended on it.  And as a victim, she felt she should be relieved of all adult responsibilities; she expected others to do things for her that she should have been doing for herself.  In the scenario you describe, your wife expected YOU to clean the house.  Not only that, she expected YOU to clean the house when SHE wanted it cleaned.  And since her emotional maturity is lacking, she's impatient.  She wants it done NOW.  When she doesn't get her way, she throws a tantrum.  Why?  Because in the past, people would bend to her will, just to get her to stop the tantrum.  And so the cycle continues and escalates.

Your story is, sadly, fairly typical.  You tried to erect a boundary:  after your wife started throwing things, you went to your room to keep a safe distance and to try to turn down the temperature.  Your wife didn't get the reaction out of you that she wanted:  for you to drop everything and serve her in that moment.  Since her initial tantrum didn't get her the desired result, she upped the ante by destroying the door.  Does that sound about right?  This phenomenon could be called an "extinction burst," or a sudden and dramatic increase in behavior (tantrums) when reinforcement for that behavior has been removed (getting what she wants).  In other words, things might get worse before they can get better.

I'm sure her reactions were very frightening for you.  But I suspect that she's used this type of behavior in the past.  Does she typically throw a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants?  Are you just now starting to enforce boundaries, forcing her to escalate to violence?  My concern is that things will get worse, and potentially more dangerous, unless your wife recognizes that she has a problem and gets some therapy.  Merely apologizing but then doing nothing probably won't cut it in my opinion.  In fact, I didn't see a real apology from your wife, because she was inventing excuses--first that she was planning to demolish the door, and then retribution for the supposed sexual assault.  This is the disordered thinking that is typical of BPD.  It may be that she's facing increased stress in her life that is putting her on edge, making her prone to see ordinary things as threats and insults.  Maybe the coming party is too stressful to her.  But violence and destruction of property are unacceptable, especially in a household with young children. 

[CravingPeace]

I am so sorry you and your children are going through this. Its terrible, its scary and unfortunately this will be a long process for you. So belt in.

I was married 10 years, we are 6 months in and nothing has moved, I spend alot of time dealing with protective orders and false accusations where she tried to completely remove my access to the children (judge refused that) these are the ones I have dealt with after I filed for divorce:

-I physically abused her
-I physcially abused the kids
-I had numerous affairs
-I threatened her with a gun
-I broke her phone
-I pushed her
-I followed her in my car
-I refused to let her leave when she was scared
-I watch porn when watching the children

Honestly it is relentless and upsetting. If you are lucky you will get the divorce done in 2 years.

I have one friend who has dealt with a protective order and 3 child protective orders (timed for his parent holiday time each time). Judge grants it each time.

There is someone else I know of who was married 6 months to a BPD and is now 2 years into a divorce.

Seems the courts dont mind/ and actually like us spending all our money. Family court is a complete racket.

Anyway I think I have broight too many of my frustration into this post.

What I really want to say is well done. You did the right thing. That behavior was scary and you don't deserve to live like that. She took the time to get not one but two hammers.

You absolutely should get divorced. It only gets worse if not. So if you are looking for support on your decision. I support you. But be prepared you need to be strong. This will test you. I had a really bad week dealing with it but I know it will one day get better. You will be pushed to your limits of mental strength. Good luck to you and god bless you and your children.

[uncle_radical]

Boy, you all are sent from God above.  Your support is so much more validating and uplifting than you all know.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your kind words and advice. 

We as men seem to be required to engage in quite an intense test in this social and political atmosphere, in many ways I think we all feel like no good deed goes unpunished.  I appreciate you all taking your valuable time to send your questions, advice, and experiences.  To me they are precious and I am grateful for you not only reading my situation but to respond. 

It's been 20 days since I posted this event.  It's the straw that broke the camel's back and I'm continuing the divorce journey.  Both of us have lawyered up and she continues to work hard to attempt to rekindle our marriage by attempting to persuade me to file for inactive status in the divorce proceedings.  She is telling me that I am the one who left, that I'm choosing to destroy our family, and that I'm the only one who can stop the divorce.  She maintains that she never wanted this, and that it is me who is tearing our family apart. 

She was served Nov 6, had a lawyer appt. Nov 11th and wonder of wonders... not only did she have an appointment for a therapist scheduled, but also attended a session already on Nov. 13th!  What a miraculous turn around... I'm being facetious of course.   Funny how a chat with a lawyer will change a tune.  She clearly was told that the court likes therapy and she had better get her ass in to see one asap because her husband had a 6 month head start on her.   

Nov 12 she came to me with the offer to do couples therapy, specifically discernment counseling.  I have not said I would or would not attend, just that I would consider it.

I continue to try to get as much time with my children as much as I can.  The first couple of weeks were really rough. I asked to have the kids for a weekend fun day and the night before she got all anxious and tried to tell me I couldn't have them after having told me multiple times it was OK to pick them up.  I showed up at the time I was told prior to that I would pick them up.  An episode ensued that was trashy and ridiculous in which the kids were so excited to spend time with Dad as they were promised, and she acted like she got to decide on everything and that they couldn't go because she said so.  They cried, and tried their hearts out to get her to let them come with me, but she held firm.  Then she said if I left with them that she would call the county and tell them that I kidnapped the kids!  I have all of it recorded btw.  I left because I let her know that acting that way was ridiculous and that I didn't want the kids to have to deal with a police encounter where I may be cuffed as a formality.  It would have been extra traumatic.  So I left them there telling the kids to listen to their mother, and that I loved them.  I left the home and 10 min. down the road she called and let me know that I could have them for the day and that she was just startled that I came when she told me not to...     

After she met that lawyer, she's been extra nice and I haven't had any problems getting into contact and spending time with the kids. I even spent a Friday night, Sat. all day, and Sunday morning at my home while wife was on a girls trip that was planned long ago.  The kids and I had a great weekend.  The more time I can get the better and I continue to ask for time and make fun events for the kids and I weekly.  She has agreed so far, fingers crossed that it continues, but if past is prolog, she will turn soon.  We rarely went three whole weeks without a blowout and the intense mood lability resurfacing and causing the "werewolf" to come out again.

 CravingPeace:  Thanks for your kind words and for letting me know about the horrible things you've been accused of, so sorry to hear that.  Thank you for the heads up, I will do all I can to gird myself as I embark on facing the squall head on.

  CC43:   Yes, the extinction burst fits the bill.  The boundary to hide until she calmed was suggested by my therapist to allow space and see if she was able to calm.  Clearly it didn't work and incensed her even more.   

Does she typically throw a tantrum when she doesn't get what she wants?

Yes unfortunately they have picked up more and more over the years.  I chalked them up to her being very "passionate" about her desires and her overwhelming need to have her emotions transcend all other logic or events.  Now I know damn well it's the BPD flaring in a split/devalue/discard episode. 

PeteWitsend:

She'll now do and say anything to try to preserve the marriage, but of course this sort of behavior will recur as soon as she feels secure again.

  I agree, there's no reconciling this kind of issue, it's heartbreaking to realize that I've been dealing with a personality disorder instead of a sane reasonable whole person.  Then to realize the state of our system with regard to mental illness.... wow... just... wow.

ForeverDad:  I'm searching for a quality counselor for my children and doubt I will get any pushback about getting them going when I find one.  School is apprised of our familial situation and have agreed to do periodic checks with the kids individually. 

Is she obstructing your contact with them?  Can you take the kids to school or pick them up afterward for time with you?  Can you call and talk with them at least a few days each week?

She did at first, was saying no to everything, began saying yes then rescinding, now after she has retained a lawyer, I'm getting good treatment and much more time with the kids.  All I have done is documented, have taken pics everytime for more proof. I use an encrypted calendar in proton to doc all the events on the days they occurred.  I talk with the kids every night 6:30 on the nose as I have phone alarms set to get ready to chat with them.  I have done this since the day I left as I put my kids to bed every night since they were born up until the day I decided to leave. The last 6 days we've zoomed and I've gotten to see them as well which has been wonderful. 
Agreed on the evidence, I have backed it all up and continue to record our phone and physical encounters as I never know when the werewolf will decide to rear its head again. 

SnailShell:  Thanks for your thoughts and of course this was just the final straw, I can't begin to go over all the aweful events that led up to this one.  It's been a steady devolution for 3 years straight.  All following the death of her beloved chihuahua 3.5 years ago, then her health problems ibs-d and anxiety attacks and disordered eating and insomnia and irregular periods, then the loss of her father to colon cancer over a year ago.



Can anyone offer advice on attempting to steer this ship into mediation and possibly ending the suffering there once and for all??    I know BPD types are volatile and unpredictable but I really am hoping to stay out of court for the sake of our future finances and the well being of the kids.  Not to mention, I am really longing to start a life of peace.   

[ForeverDad]

A thought about daily contact... In my own divorce I was getting infrequent contact with my preschooler.  Our county didn't have any specifics except for "reasonable telephone contact".  Yeah, that's right, "reasonable".

Well, one of the magistrates, upset with the cases stacking up that day, decided to fix it and set a specific daily half hour every evening for both parents.  That meant no movie theaters or evenings away with friends or religious events.  And worse, I was accustomed to taking vacations in the mountains, no phones there nor cell service unless we left the parks and drove into town.  A few years later another magistrate removed that onerous no-exceptions order.

So while you do want frequent contact, try to design some flexibility.

Some here have been concerned about recording laws since some states are strict on that.  So far as I know, and I've been here since 2006, no one has gotten into much trouble for recording.  But there was a small handful reported where both parents were quite litigious - there was parental alienation going on - and the court stepped in and forbade the recording of the children.  Court did not want the kids in the middle of parental conflict.  With that in mind, you probably should keep this low key so this rare scenario doesn't become a problem in your divorce.

Can anyone offer advice on attempting to steer this ship into mediation and possibly ending the suffering there once and for all??    I know BPD types are volatile and unpredictable but I really am hoping to stay out of court for the sake of our future finances and the well being of the kids.  Not to mention, I am really longing to start a life of peace.

Mediation is usually an early step in the divorce process.  The temp order and an order for both parents to attend Parenting classes is usually first.  The problem is that early in a divorce the disordered parent is usually too entitled and too demanding for a reasonable negotiation to be possible.  A comment I've made sometimes is that if you do reach a mediation agreement, then likely you've gifted away too much parenting.  Of course, I'm talking about intense entitlement which is common in our sort of divorces.  Your mediation may not face such intense entitlement.  That's for you to discern what is appropriate.

That said, it is surprising how many of our divorces do eventually result in settlements, usually just before major hearing or a trial.  (Mine was minutes before my full day trial.)

So it's hard to predict how your mediation might turn out.  Just know that if the other spouse is unreasonable then it is perfectly fine to state, "Mediation has failed, we'll have to proceed to the next step of the divorce process."  (In my case we agreed on most financial matters but not on custody and parenting schedules.  My mediation was "all or nothing" so it was declared failed.  We were to try up to three sessions but my ex never returned.)