(14) Year Relationship - ?QuietBPD/Covert Narcissist - Ghosted

[DisappearingDino]

Hello, first post here but after reading a lot, you may be able to give me some clarity on what has happened to my life.

I met my partner (F) and me (M) when we were teenagers. She was 16 and me 19 at the time. It was long distance, she was in the USA and me U.K. We met online, and would talk on MSN messenger. It was an instant connection, as we had so many shares interests and niche hobbies which matched. We would talk online for 12 hours a day for years. Tell each other about everything, and she would tell me about her mother with bi-polar who was physically abusive to her. This went on by text until she was 20 and I was 23. (I had unresolved health problems which is why I did not visit sooner). However, when I was 23 I traveled to the USA to meet her and stayed for a week. It was amazing and I felt like I had always known her, it was like meeting my soulmate. From here, I visited a few times and she visited me a few times. However over the last 8 years, she has been staying with me on and off in the U.K for 6 months periods (tourist visa) and then going back to the US for a few months before coming back. We were engaged and planning to get married but wanted to plan properly to make the immigration process to the U.K easier for us as she was going to move here. Throughout the years we also went on countless trips around the world, visiting other countries together and always loved just being together and spending time with each other.

I had just taken her on a family trip in July with my whole family (first time we traveled with my family) and it went really well, she even said it was her favourite trip she had ever been on. We also had a lovely time for two weeks when we got back home before she had to go back to the USA. I believed everything was going well. However, I had to do more overtime at work (I'm a medic) because we were short staffed and ended up sometimes running over a few hours a night. When she was back in the USA we always tried to Skype when I got home from shifts to talk and hang out or watch shows together. During one night in September, her vibe felt off and I asked her if everything was okay, she said yes, and I asked if we were alright and she still loved me and wanted to be with me, she also said yes to that, however when we talked and she laughed at my jokes, she kinda seemed like she was strained laughing. I was late home from work and couldn't stay up longer as I had to work on the morning, even though she wanted to watch a podcast with me, so I said I'm sorry I have to go, wished her goodnight and went to bed.

I got home from work the next day, and talked to her on messenger and she said "We need to talk". I got really panicked and said good talk right? To which she did not reply and wanted to go on Skype. I did, and she immediately blew up on me, telling me a whole list of things that I have done over our past 14 year relationship which she did not like, she literally brought up things from the very start of the relationship that I thought were not issues anymore. None of the issues were recent, last was from a year ago. And none were good enough justifications that they would not be worked through. She said "I can't do this anymore" while also smiling at whatever was going on, on her phone, which I thought was a extremely weird. Which I asked her about and she said it was her friend sending memes. I asked why she was trying to ruin such a loving relationship to which she replied "I want to ruin it!" which she then started shouting at me again and slammed her laptop shut. (She never normally argued, raises her voice or acts in this way ever, this is one of the only times I have ever seen it).

I panic, and try asking her via text what's going on and what's wrong. She immediately removed me from our shared location tracking (used for safety since she used to work nights in a city) and blocked me on everything, and removed me from Instagram. I panic and buy a plane ticket to America (because I absolutely love and adore this woman and our relationship was going great and we just had a lovely holiday and I could not understand what just happened). I fly out immediately, and go to where she is staying to try and meet up in person to understand what's going on. She's not there, and deliberately went out with a friend to not see me. I saw her family member who was just as confused as I was as they knew I always treated her with respect, and they even visited my family in the U.K with her one time. They genuinely had no clue what happened. I went and had chat with them and they said they would see if they could get her to talk to her and just go back to my hotel and wait until tomorrow.

I go back to my hotel and pass out. I wake up the next morning to horrible messages about how they don't see me as their husband or father of their children, and all kinds of nasty stuff (which she has never said to me ever before). I call the family member again, pleading to them to convince her to meet. She eventually messaged me back and agreed and I go over there to meet her. She's super shameful looking, does not really want to make eye contact much, but sits with me and lets me give her a hug, and at this point she's not being rude anymore. I try to ask for an explanation and all she keeps repeating is. "I have no love for you anymore, I have tried to get it back but I don't know where it has gone" (bare in mind a few days before all this she's was telling me she loved me and missed me loads), she also was saying "I have made my decisions and I won't change my mind" over and over again, not saying anything else. She gives me a small gift of something she made (she's into crafts) and said that I should probably go home, even though I told her I could stay up to a week. I said I could go home now if that's what she really wanted, and she said "That would be best". I gave her a kiss and a final hug (she squeezed me tightly) and waves to her and I left (she literally looked like a child, standing at the doorway that I was abandoning and it broke my heart, even though it was her who wanted to leave me). I saw her fade away behind the glass doorway, and that was the last time I have seen her in person, which again breaks my heart.

When I was flying home she sent me a picture of her crying, and messaged my family to make sure I was okay, when my plane was delayed landing, asking if I was okay and all that. I landed and she said I am glad you landed safe. I got home, and was going to send her another message and she had now blocked me again in every way I could contact her. I was absolutely heartbroken. I decided to go no contact for a week to let her calm down and see if she came back, which she did not.

One of my family members messaged her, saying that what she did was cruel because it was hurting me after all the time we spend together and how in love with her I was, and to talk to me of she cared at all. Which, surprisingly she did. I was able to have 4 conversations, all really started by me or my family member over text over the next 2 weeks. I asked again why she did all this, and she said "I told you my reasons" and if there was chance to get back together, which I asked a few times. Every time she said "I need my own space and time to figure things out, to forgive you and myself. She also said it may take a few months but maybe we will get back together, which gave me hope. She did one night, however for 30 minutes, contact me, talking how we always used to talk, like she was the same person again, it was extremely fleeting, but she was telling me something she did that she was proud of and it was clear she wanted to me to be proud of her, which I said I was. She just talked to me like she did before all this happened, used emojis and happy language, I finally thought I got her back. I decided to not push it and said goodnight, and decided to leave her alone a few days to contact me again herself.

Few days went by and nothing, so I asked how she was. She read it but did not reply for 24 hours, so I send another message saying I hope she was okay, to which she did not even read. I waited another 24 hours and said I was worried about her. She replied straight away saying "Don't worry about me, I am fine, I want distance, and space, I want boundaries since we are now broke up, I want to be alone this week" which shocked me as it's the first time she properly said we were "Broken up". I panicked and called her, she picked up and did not really say anything, I asked her a few questions and she just said she was sleepy from waking up and was obviously she was trying to make excuses to get off the phone. I asked again if she still wanted to try to get back together after time apart since she was now saying "Broken up" to which she said "It's possible" I also asked if she had met someone else, or if that was anything to do with it. She said "No" and I said okay, and was a little tearful of the phone as it was the first time hearing her voice for a while, and said thanks for talking, and we hung up. I then left her a message saying it meant a lot to talk and that no matter what, I will love her forever. Which she then put a heart emoji on the message.

I then came to realise that she had now blocked me on every form of contact again. This was the last time she ever had me unblocked and this was 3 weeks ago. I have had no contact or any other interactions with her since then, which is really heartbreaking to me, as I truly loved her and did everything for her.

The only things I noticed leading up to this was the fact that she would sometimes leave the house (without her phone) claiming she was with a friend so she was leaving it at home charging, which she never did before. She was also at a party a week before all this happened, where she just disappeared and did not respond to my messages for 12+ hours, again which is unheard of for her.

I can only assume what happened was that she found someone to monkey branch to. Which again is devastating, trading a 14 year loving relationship, for a random stranger. Overnight like that. I also realise the reason she may have wanted me to go home so quickly is so I did not bump into that person, however I can't 100% confirm there is one. But she would talk to me all day every day by text, which suddenly she did not need to do anymore, which again is really weird as this was constant ouf whole relationship.

I believe she is undiagnosed quietBPD because she would always bottle up her emotions and internalise them, she would sometimes regress into a more childlike personality when we were having fun, or doing some things where her inner child would come out, and she would cling to me like nobodies business, which I had no idea could be BPD and I am only realising this after all this has happened to me. She's also got the history of a bi-polar patent who physically abused her and a father who left the family whenever he wanted for long periods. She was also always passive aggressive with people, eye rolling instead of directly arguing. She would also tantrum if she did not get what she wanted.

I also she she has some form of covert narcissistic tendancies as well, as she was an amateur model, and always wanted hundreds of pictures taken of her to find the perfect ones. She would also always claim that she could (be the best) as things if she wanted like playing the piano, if she really cared about it.

I have also always been here favourite person, up until last year, when she met a woman on Instagram that she really became obsessed with, who in hindsight took over the FP role around 6 months ago or so, so some reason as they would always be talking. I also get the impression that this person also did not like me and had a hand in what happened, as when she initially blocked me, I had messaged this Instagram friend and received instant hostility, telling me to leave my fiancé alone and to let her go, and to stop harassing her, bare in mind her Instagram friend does not even know me.

I have been nothing but gentle and kind to her, this entire relationship. I have completely financially supported her, and gone out of my way to always give her what she wanted and needed. She has a sweet inner side to her which I fell in love with. She would squeeze my hand when we walked if she was afraid of a dog or a person, sneaky up behind me and suprise me with big hugs, and loved to endlessly talk and cuddle. I really loved this relationship and I don't want to move on.

I would love nothing more than to get her back, but I have no idea how to do this, as she has not even messaged me for 3 weeks now. I don't want it to be over as she really became part of my family, and I loved every moment with her. She never got angry, and we barely every fought. She would definitely internalise things, and not speak about them, but when she was ever anxious I would always try and soothe her. I just don't know why all this happened.

Thanks for reading my story. I am absolutely heartbroken. I am a medic so I deal with high stress and complex situations every day, however I have never experienced having panic attacks, never ending dreams about her, and all day rumination which I cannot turn off. It's been a month and a half since she first did this, and 3 weeks since we talked.

I just don't know what to do..... I don't want the love of my life to be honest forever.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi DisappearingDino and a warm

Wow... you've experienced a high emotional intensity relationship (both the good times and bad times) for well over a decade. That's a lot to live through, and it sounds like the breakup has been high emotional intensity as well. Really difficult stuff, not only emotionally, but physically as well -- I imagine it's difficult to sleep well right now.

Whatever is going on with her, whether it's BPD or not, it sounds like she struggles to manage her extreme emotions, and instead of using high-skill tools and approaches, uses low-skill approaches. Like you experienced, instead of her telling you "hey, I'm having a hard time in our relationship right now, can we set aside some time to talk, or can we get counseling together" (better skills), she chose some "brute force" approaches to get her deep needs met and to try to regulate her overwhelming emotions. This is hard on you, hard on her, and hard on the relationship.

What I can say is that even if at some times she's choosing lower-skill approaches, this statement seemed pretty clear:

Few days went by and nothing, so I asked how she was. She read it but did not reply for 24 hours, so I send another message saying I hope she was okay, to which she did not even read. I waited another 24 hours and said I was worried about her. She replied straight away saying "Don't worry about me, I am fine, I want distance, and space, I want boundaries since we are now broke up, I want to be alone this week" which shocked me as it's the first time she properly said we were "Broken up". I panicked and called her, she picked up and did not really say anything, I asked her a few questions and she just said she was sleepy from waking up and was obviously she was trying to make excuses to get off the phone. I asked again if she still wanted to try to get back together after time apart since she was now saying "Broken up" to which she said "It's possible" I also asked if she had met someone else, or if that was anything to do with it. She said "No" and I said okay, and was a little tearful of the phone as it was the first time hearing her voice for a while, and said thanks for talking, and we hung up. I then left her a message saying it meant a lot to talk and that no matter what, I will love her forever. Which she then put a heart emoji on the message.

I then came to realise that she had now blocked me on every form of contact again. This was the last time she ever had me unblocked and this was 3 weeks ago. I have had no contact or any other interactions with her since then, which is really heartbreaking to me, as I truly loved her and did everything for her.

Even if her approach isn't the most helpful, her needs and feelings are real. She feels like she wants some space for a week -- anyone can want that, even though it is so difficult for the other partner (you). It makes sense that you responded in a panic. The situation felt high stakes; lots of us have been in that position.

It makes sense to me, as odd as it sounds, that she blocked you after that. From her perspective, she communicated clearly that she needed space, then you called, then she tried to end the call, then you kept the call going. I wonder if you can see how that landed from her point of view?

I want to be so clear that I'm not saying "she's right and you're wrong" or "she's wrong and you're right". Where I'm coming from is this:

until you can see from her perspective what she thinks the problems are, there won't be much hope for reconciling. If your goal is to get back together, it's going to take some painful work to see things from her point of view, and to genuinely be able to say, at least to yourself: "you know what, even if I wouldn't have felt that way or done that thing, given the circumstances of her life, it does make sense that she did/felt that".

Creating a more validating environment in the relationship -- or, even if not in the relationship right now, at least personally learning to be a less-invalidating individual -- can be a really good step in the right direction.

Another positive step, if you're hoping to reconcile, is to know that if BPD is involved, she likely won't be able to be the "emotional leader" in the relationship, as the disorder can impair the individual's ability to manage emotions healthily. She's also going to have a lot of emotional needs. If you aren't managing and caring for your own emotions healthily -- if you're also a needy person -- it's going to be a really difficult row to hoe, as they say.

Getting your own stuff managed in your lane -- working on your own emotional issues, ideally with a counselor or therapist -- can be really crucial if you want the relationship to succeed. Directing the feeling of panic, and feeling of needing reassurance, to a professional instead of to her, can help her feel like "there's room in this relationship for me and how I feel". It may be too much for her to carry your needs as well as hers. Not fair... but probably par for the course if BPD is in play.

...

Lots to think about, so I'll wrap it up there.

How have you chosen to manage your feelings over the last few days? Anything you've been doing to take care of yourself?

[DisappearingDino]

Hello Kells.

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have been trying to do light exercise and watching videos/audio books about BPD to try and understand what happened. I am still very hurt by it and the constant thoughts going through my head are bouncing back and forth between a hopefully "maybe there's a chance she still loves me and comes back" and "it's over, if she has found someone else, she won't need me anymore, and the extra stress of distance, needing flights, visas in the future to be together, and being away from family to be with me, are all extra reasons she may not come back" even with the 14 years of history. It's a very devastating feeling, as I truly do love everything about her and want to make it work. I know there are a few things that I could work on from my part in the relationship in retrospect, however I would need another chance to make these changes, which I really hope I get, as I know we could have a really great future together. I am well aware it will always be a struggle with BPD, however I would be willing to go through these struggles for the rest of my life if I get to be with my best friend.

She blocked me on everything after the call on the 23rd of October, and I still have not heard from her, or been unblocked on anything as of yet. I did send some of her clothing she wanted back to her by airmail which arrive soon, with a small card which basically says;

"I have loved our many years together, and would love for them to continue. I will always be your friend, and I really miss talking with you, and don't want to end up never talking again, so please do talk with me."

I know it was probably not a good idea, but it's the only way I could get a message to her, and it was what I was feeling at the time. Hopefully she reacts well to it. Because I do genuinely miss her as she was my best friend.

I am not really sure where to go from here. In my own mind there's no more moves that I can play. She will either come back or she won't, however it would make me the happiest man on earth of she did. If she messages after getting the letter, I will talk to her in a friendly way, without too much emotion and try to build from there. If not then I will just leave it no contact and hope she has a change of heart in the future, I don't know what else to do.

She has told me multiple times after the breakup that she did not have anyone else, or was seeing anyone else. I don't think she commonly lies, as I have never caught her in one before. However it seemed like after the 23rd when she blocked me, something shifted, it almost felt to me like she may have been casually seeing someone before and the week where she wanted to be left alone, that she was "actively" going out and seeing that person (as the picture on IG of new jewelry and being in a coffee shop with a person that you could just about see an arm and a boot which may be another man but I cannot confirm). It seemed that maybe this is why she suddenly cut me out of her life completely and blocked me everywhere, after getting her back briefly from the original ghosting, for a couple of conversations over 2-3 weeks.

I just wish there was hope after building a relationship with her for 14 years. I would have loved this woman for the rest of our lives despite everything. I would even take her back after a monkey-branch or being with another partner (which is something I never thought I would be able to mentally do, but my bond to her is strong enough to move past this).

I have been with her for half of her life, I just can't understand how she can cut me off so completely. I would have to imagine there is some chance she may come back to me? It's hard to believe that if I feel so strongly, that she can't feel it as well. However she has never been with another man, so maybe if she monkey branched, she will be so enamored with the new person, that she will never come back, as she has the new relationship limerance and love bombing stage to go through.

What's the chances she comes back from your perspective, and what can I do from my current position? I would have been willing to work on anything in our relationship to make it work. She just never gave me the chance, and did not communicate her concerns with me, before all this.

Thanks.