Am I overreacting or being too sensitive/serious? I can't tell anymore

[Edude17]

My pwBPD and I are quite close, but she often says things that upset me. Often times, if I respond to them, she tells me I take everything she says too seriously/I'm so dramatic. I do have a lot of emotions and am thorough at communicating, so I can understand why she feels that way. On my end, I know I shouldn't be taking everything personally and should detach from what she says at times, especially when she's under stress.

However, there's one thing that was fairly hurtful. Often times when she and I are talking on the phone, she asks me to accept it if other people call so she can talk to them. She always has a reason to put me second. She says she'll call me back, but never has. Often making me wait up painfully for her, like a pathetic idiot. I always feel as if, because she feels somewhat more safe with me, she feels as if I can be put to the side over and over. That and maybe I stress her out and she doesn't want to spend as much time with me as she does these other people.

Also, she has told me before that if I really need her, to let her know and she'd be there for me, because she cares and wants to. This is because I have asked her to drop things for me, because I wanted to talk to her (she's done the same to me, and I have dropped things for her) and she never has. So for the first time I told her I needed her last night because I was in a lot of pain because of another conflict we had on a phone call where everything I said was wrong/she invalidated or dismissed. So she DID call me and was partially supportive. It went well mostly. I told her that I was working on childhood trauma recently, involved in shame, self worth, and to learn to understand I'm worthy and safe even if people can't meet my needs/abandon me emotionally (the exact thing that makes me vulnerable to the push/pull of a bpd relationship).

And she... tried, multiple times, to say she needed to call someone to sort out this drama she's been dealing with with a guy she talks to a lot who actively lies and betrays her trust. So I was being pushed to the side AGAIN. She tried multiple times, to set a timer under the pretense I was sick and needed rest, because she was anxious, and she was like "Well, I'll stay if you ASK me to" and for the first time I said, "Yes, I need you tonight". At one point she said "Oh it's so late so if they call me I'll just stay on the phone with you". She even apologized for being so consumed with her feelings about wanting to call, recognizing it was selfish. And then they called.... and she said "He's calling, do you want me to tell him I'll call him back later, or do you want to listen in?" And I asked her if she really just asked me that, completely stunned she'd do that (we have done that before, where I listen in to conversations she has with others) and she said "I am offering you that option, yes". And I asked again, completely hurt, and she went "Nope, nope no, nope, no" like as if she realized she messed up. But I was so done... so I just told her to go have her conversation. And she tried to say "Ender... Ender" but I ignored it, feeling so dead inside.

And the. I hung up. And then all she did was text me "Ender, I'm sorry". Didn't call me back, didn't try and take care of my feelings. Which I get, because I chose to leave and she's anxious and wants to call that person, so she got what she wanted. So now I'm wondering if I overreacted. She did try to walk it back, and I get that she was just saying something impulsively, but it REALLY hurt that we talked about it multiple times, with me insisting I needed her there to care about me, and she still tried to push me into a secondary priority. I know she recognized it was a rough hurtful thing, but when push came to shove she still said it, even when she tried to walk it back.

Is this an instance of me taking things too seriously? Or am I justified in feeling hurt, disrespected, and like I don't really matter to her much. Any advice?

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[kells76]

Hey... I can really hear the pain for you in the phone call dynamic. We all have areas in our lives that are raw and unhealed -- for me, it's if I'm crying and my H pulls away physically and/or emotionally. That deeply wounds me (it likely goes back to when I was a baby and my mom was unavailable), so I get it that for you, it's when you experience her choosing others over you on the phone. This stuff hurts.

If we frame this as an either/or scenario -- either you're overreacting or you're justified -- then we're going to remain stuck in polarization ("I'm right, she's wrong" or "I'm wrong, she's right") and instead of that leading to healing and a more workable path forward, it's going to keep those wounds raw and open. Think about it -- your feelings aren't subject to a poll or survey! If 100% of members here said "you're overreacting", that wouldn't solve the issue which is: you feel how you feel and it hurts.

So let's find another way forward 

...

Does this dynamic also happen for you when the two of you talk in person? Does it also happen over text or email (written communication)? Or is it only verbal phone conversations?

And would you say the core issue is less "she sometimes takes other phone calls when we're on the phone" and more "I feel like she doesn't care about how I feel when I'm vulnerable"? Is that close?

Let's start with that and see if we can find you a different path forward, where you can protect both yourself and the relationship.