I’m her last resort

[Sparkplug]

My mother (80) spent her entire parental life using her children as extensions of herself. Aside from the inappropriate and strange things she pointed at my brothers (1 older, 1 younger), I was her favorite scapegoat/whipping boy. ALL of her children left as quickly as they could to get away from her grasping nature. My older brother moved to the other side of the country at 16, my youngest brother left to be homeless and I joined a traveling band (at 17) to leave the situation behind. It didn’t stop mom from guilt tripping and demanding we acknowledge her sainthood with every interaction, but at least it wasn’t daily.
 
Present day, my older brother very seldom contacts her, my younger brother committed suicide and my husband and I are about to travel the country for retirement. Mom has my nephew (youngest brother’s adult, challenged son) living with her, a boyfriend of 40 years and a house filled with junk in a cruddy neighborhood.
I’ve made a beautiful life for myself and am quite happy with the way things have turned out. So why do I feel so sad about how it’s turned out for my mom? Why do I feel the need to help make her life better? She has never even liked me, never mind love me. She’s asking for more time in my life and that is the last thing I want! Why does this feel so heart wrenching?
Thanks for listening.

[TelHill]

Hello sparkplug, 

I think you feel that way because you’re a normal human being and not disordered like your mother. Normal people want the best for others.

You can spend as much or as little time with her as you wish. It’s very difficult to spend time with a disordered mother. My elderly mother has dementia and it’s tempered her aggression and rage.  It’s the closest to non disordered she’s ever been. I still remember the trauma she caused and it makes me uncomfortable and exhausted. I still find it difficult to visit.

 It’s okay to enjoy what you’ve earned. It’s okay to feel sad for your bpd mom and remain detached from it. 

I’m really sorry about your brother. It’s very sad when that happens in a family. It’s a wound that may hurt less over time but still hurts. I don’t think it ever goes away.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry about the loss of your brother.

So why would we feel a need to ease our mothers' discomfort? I agree with TellHill- we are human and I think being concerned for others is a part of that. A mother is a significant person- even a disordered one, even one who didn't care about us. I also think it's the "wish for normal".

I recall as a child, seeing my friends' mothers and how they acted. I didn't know about BPD but I could see my mother was different. I wanted that "normal". I wanted a mother who would take care of me like they did. As an adult, I watched my peers begin to assist their aging parents. This is "normal" too. Even if, at times, their parents were challenging- the bond they had together, formed from childhood, prevailed.

So, wanting "normal"- I also tried- and tried to do what I saw my peers do, and it was different with a verbally and emotionally abusive, and uncooperative parent. Still, I think we want "normal" even when the situation is different.

We grew up feeling afraid of our mother. She seemed so powerful. As adults, our perception changes. I think you see your mother differently now that she is becoming elderly. A part of me still feels some fear around my mother but the reality is- she isn't scary and powerful, she's an elderly woman and she's also pushed away family and friends.

I do feel sympathy for my mother's situation. I understand the wish to do what you can do- but also maintain the boundaries you feel you need to do. I don't think there's a way to feel comfortable with any decision - to help or not to help because it doesn't feel "normal" and I think we still wish it could be.

[Sparkplug]

Thank you for your supportive words. Helps to hear from someone who understands.

[Notwendy]

I understand - it is heart -wrenching. Your mother isn't alone, but I am wondering what her motive is for wanting more time with you? What I have noticed is - if my mother is being solicitous, acting nice (I can tell she's acting)- she wants something. She doesn't act directly and say what she wants- she does it indirectly.

My mother is in a difficult situation. She's elderly and dependent on others for help. I am not her direct caregiver. Her relationships with caregivers are also disordered and she's verbally and emotionally abusive with them. There's a lot of turnover with her helpers. She's in assisted living and been difficult with the staff there too.

It's been evident she doesn't care about me. Her relationship to me is if I am useful to her. She is an elderly widow and named me as her contact person and also power of attorney.  I help in some aspects but I also have to have boundaries with her. If she contacts me, it's because she wants something. If her needs are being met, she doesn't.

Since your mother has other people in her life- I wonder why she is reaching out to you. Since my mother is a widow, I felt it was the logical choice for me to be the contact person/POA but if someone- a partner- was there with her - I'd think they'd be the logical choice.