Living with mother with BPD

[Mailen Mawun]

Hello, I recently discovered that my mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. For different reasons she moved back in to live with me several years ago and I am in a crisis stage...I am 51 years old and it is affecting me to realize how much time I have wasted trying to help her, believing that everyone was wrong and that I was too. ...discovering this page and the books is helping me a lot, but it would be great to be able to talk to other adults who have mothers with BPD...Although I think it is difficult for there to be someone my age in this situation. I'm trying to become independent but I think it will take at least six months... meanwhile, it's difficult, she blames me for her life...

[ForeverDad]

Well, from one perspective, she was an adult for decades before you were even born.  If anything she ought to be appreciative that you've opened your home to her for the last few years.  Well, if she didn't have her close relationship dysfunction.

Among many others, one facet of our dealing with this disorder is having effective Boundaries.  Sadly, people with BPD traits (pwBPD) resist boundaries.  Knowing that, you need to establish boundaries for yourself, boundaries that YOU have as a RESPONSE to poor behavior.

Over on our Tools and Skills Workshops board we have a few articles on Boundaries and so much more.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329744.0

[Notwendy]

I am 51 years old and it is affecting me to realize how much time I have wasted trying to help her, believing that everyone was wrong and that I was too. ...discovering this page and the books is helping me a lot, but it would be great to be able to talk to other adults who have mothers with BPD...Although I think it is difficult for there to be someone my age in this situation. I'm trying to become independent but I think it will take at least six months... meanwhile, it's difficult, she blames me for her life...

Although I knew something was going on with my mother, I didn't know about BPD for a long time. It's not unusual to realize this after some time. When we grow up with a disordered parent- it becomes our "normal". While I could see that my mother's behaviors are not "normal"- there are times where she does seem to be acting OK. So it's confusing.

It's also different when living with someone. I was not living with my parents but I went to stay with them to help when my father was ill. He was in the hospital so I was alone with my BPD mother for an extended time- the longest I had been at home since I finished school. She can hold it together for shorter visits but not then.

It's understandable that you didn't realize what this would be like. Now you know more and you can make plans to change this situation. Even if it takes time to get there- you can start. I think it would be helpful for you to be in some kind of counseling, for your own personal growth and support.

It's not unusual to be blamed. Read about Karpman triangle dynamics. My BPD mother blames other people for her own issue. My BPD mother also blames people- the people closest to her. It's difficult but consider this is projection. It's not about you.

[Turkish]

What specifically are you struggling with? I moved my mom in with us in my late 40s (I and my two little kids). It lasted for the winter, but it was a lot....

[TelHill]

Hello Mailen Mauwen,

I too decided to caregive my dBPD mother for many reasons. I knew she had Borderline Personality Disorder but was not paying attention when self-help for loved ones sprang up online over a decade ago. I rebuffed it when I found it hoping I could help her.

It was impossible to get privacy at home with her. She felt she owned me. She’d talk over me if I was on the phone, banged on the door in a rage and yell if I was talking behind a locked door. She complained when I listened to YouTube saying social media was horrible. She’d push me if I was listening to it on headphones. She’d scream if I left the home. She forced my dad to stand in the street waiting for me if I wasn’t 5 minutes early from my estimated time home. . She’d complain that I never cleaned or cooked correctly. There’s many more disordered things she did but these were the worst.   I couldn’t take it and moved back to my home ready to take any suggestions to deal with the situation rationally and without drama.

I hope you can gain some independence from the situation soon. It can be a life saver. Meanwhile, I’d suggest getting involved with in-person or online fun activities. It clears the brain fog and helps you move away from the Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) many of us with a disordered parent can live with. You and we don’t deserve any of it.

[KitKat68]

I’m in my 50’s and I don’t live with my mom (diagnosed in 2006) now but about 20 years ago we (my husband, me) lived with her for about 1.5 years to help her financially and so we could get established back in the area we are originally from and she was was still in. At the time she was coming off a divorce from her third husband) and has been married three more times since then!) so she was spiraling and the whole thing was mostly a disaster.

My husband and me were able to get our goals accomplished by living with her and get out but she was an absolute hot mess the entire time. We rented out the bottom half of a house, her the top, and she acted like a promiscuous teenager the entire time, which was certainly her right but it was super weird and.we were estranged for years afterward. She eventually ended up moving several states away (has been back for quite awhile) but at the time had two boyfriends where we’re at and a married boyfriend in the state she moved to. Once when she visited the married boyfriend she flew to see him while leaving one of her local boyfriends in the house we shared …except she didn’t warn us he’d be staying there. We figured it out by hearing him walk around and occasionally smelling cigarette smoke (we don’t smoke).

She also pestered me to spend all kinds of time with her but only doing things which interested her. Most the time I didn’t give in because I’d had it with her by then and we don’t have similar interests anyway. She’d always throw a fit when I refused, as she still does, but I didn’t let it bother me much. Whenever they came to visit she’d  try to smoke around one of my stepkids who has asthma. She also would get behind on her bills and near the end we had to cover a lot of bills for her.

Anyway, I could go on and on but we ended up getting out of the shared rental agreement as soon as humanly possible and she and I were very low contact for about 10 years following that experience. She ended up moving to the other state after convincing her boyfriend to leave his wife. Not too long after he left his wife he ended up having a heart attack and died. She then started dating her married real estate agent and somehow has stumbled her way through three more marriages since 2008. She’s on her sixth marriage now, this one is her fifth husband’s former best friend.

I would never live with her again. She’s elderly now and starting to have health problems, thinks she’s going to move in with us despite the fact I’ve told her very bluntly that will never happen. To that she said we don’t care she’s trying to get away from her “bully” (husband #6 and he’s not actually a bully).

Anyway, I hope you find a way to gain your independence from your mom, get her settled somewhere other than your house. It’s been a long time but I have never forgotten how awful it was living with my mom. Never again.