Boundaries?

[Dan79]

Adult child of father w/ BPD traits/symptoms as well as Alcohol and Drug addiction (opiates/weed).  Father is not currently seeking Tx for BPD or Alcohol/Drugs, but rather PTSD Vet Support (i.e., doing the same Tx for years w/ little progress).  Father is a war/combat vet.  Explosive anger, high control, distrust (e.g., records phone conversations), poor communicator, rigid rules/expectations, negative and past focused, etc. 

I am happily married w/ my own family.  Live in the same state, but a good distance away >3hrs.  Have been trying to set boundaries w/ father and mother (who enables behaviors) for the past six years.  Have tried written letter intervention (i.e., assertive boundary "what's not ok" setting) three times.  Things seemed to improve at times, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells.  I have sought prof. help and been recommended to set/stick to strict boundaries.  They (father and mother) are persistent and won't accept these boundaries.  This only makes them more angry w/ righteous indignation. 

Any support/thoughts would be appreciated.       

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Dan79:  

I'm sorry to hear about the problems you are having with you dad.  :)o you know if your dad had explosive anger and control issues, prior to his military service?

Things seemed to improve at times, but I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells.  I have sought prof. help and been recommended to set/stick to strict boundaries.  They (father and mother) are persistent and won't accept these boundaries.  This only makes them more angry w/ righteous indignation.

Good to hear you are getting professional help.  It can be a winning combination  to work on some of the lessons here and share with others, while consulting a therapist.

What are some of the boundary issues you are dealing with?  Can you give some examples?

[Dan79]

Thank you for the supportive words. 
RE: Explosive Anger: I think this was pre-military from the stories I've been told.  Trouble w/ the law, drugs, fights, etc.  He experienced a lot of verbal and physical abuse at home.  Also, alcoholism w/ his own Dad (my grdpa). 
RE: Boundaries: Limited contact (e.g., big events, calling if something very significant has happened, etc.).  The prof. help was validating.  Detaching w/ Love is a daily process and much easier said than done.  There are so many resentments that can be triggered.  Awareness is helpful, but isn't a cure. 
I still have a lot of anxiety when calling on the phone or some in-person situations.  I'm an educated person, but it triggers the fear response in me.  We're currently on a time out where they (my parents) need to get help if they want future interactions w/ my family and I.  Have been doing a lot of personal care, time w/ friends, having fun, exercise, etc. 
How about you?  What works for other people? 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Dan79:   

My father passed recently.  He had BPD traits.  Thankfully, he wasn't physically abusive.  He was very critical and grouchy.  Yelled a lot.  I was afraid of him when I was young.  He used to give my mom the silent treatment for weeks at a time.  Eventually, he grew out of that.  As he aged, it became apparent that he had an anxiety disorder.  It was tough to get him on some meds, but when he stuck with the meds for awhile, we could notice a difference in his temperament.   My sister appears to be a high-functioning BPD and has   SPLIT   me black.  We currently are NC.  At some point in the future, I'm considering offering to pay for some joint therapy sessions.  I'm not ready yet.  She is likely to decline, as she doesn't believe anything is wrong with her. 

Boundaries are for you. Your parents won't like them.  You have to be consistent in enforcing them.  I tend to share your thought that you won't likely stop walking on egg shells, you just maneuver around them a little better.

The lesson below on Avoiding Circular Arguments and the quoted information below might be helpful to you.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS

Tips for Communicating with Someone With Borderline Disorder
 . . .In the midst of an intense conversation that is escalating and unproductive, practice Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach.

Delay. Tell the other person, "Why don't we think about things and talk about this later?" or "Give me some time to think about what you're saying." Speak calmly and in a way that affirms the other person as well as yourself, without necessarily confirming their claims: "I'm feeling upset right now. Your feelings are important to me and I need some time to understand them."

Distract. Suggest, for instance, that the two of you run an errand together.

Depersonalize. Throughout, you will do better if you remind yourself frequently that the BP's harsh criticism of you is not real, but still feels very real to that person. Don't take the other person's comments personally, however cutting or cruel they may feel to you. This is the nature of the disorder.

Detach. Remove yourself emotionally from getting caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Resolve to yourself, "I'm not going to get so involved in this."

I still have a lot of anxiety when calling on the phone or some in-person situations.

Do you enforce any boundaries when your dad starts to launch in a rage?  Some people set a boundary to use some "I" statements and terminate the conversation in a peaceful manner or leave the person's presence.  Have you ever tried "I" statements?