Progress feels so slow - a year on BPDfamily and what’s happening now

[campbembpd]

I could use some advice on what to do next to keep growing. While I think things have had improvements, I still live with a lot of fears. Fears of making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, not doing the right thing or doing the wrong thing, fear of not being attentive enough, etc. It’s no way to live. I know that.

It’s been almost a year since I first posted here, since I first read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist, some other books and discovered what was happening in my relationship and I’ve been married to a uBPDw for 25 years.

I see many others have been on here for years so maybe I’m not all that different, this journey seems more a marathon not a sprint? However I can’t help but wishing I were doing better than I am with my uBPDw after a whole year of being awakened to her mental illness.

When I first joined here things were really bad, worse then today. She was having episodes multiple times a month. Horrible, abusive outbursts lasting days. At me almost exclusively but also some our daughter (now 18). Hateful things, so bad. Yelling inches from my face, raising her fists to me, kicked me once, threats of divorce, threats of ruining me on social media, general insults, telling me how horrible I’ve treated her and how she’s put up with me for our entire relationship, etc. I have journal entries saying how grateful I was to have just 3 or 4 days of no drama. Her drinking was and is still overall daily and heavy. Can be fuel for her fire/anger. When I go back and review my journals it’s really quite disturbing to read, how often and how bad these episodes were. I consulted a couple of divorce attorneys earlier in the year as well.

Since around July things haven’t been as extreme, more calm but still far from where it needs to be. We stopped seeing our therapist (she wanted to stop). For a few months there were still episodes but they didn’t seem to be as long or as extreme. No demands for me to go to a hotel or yelling 6 inches from my face that she hates me. Still plenty of outbursts but less extreme. I actually felt like I could relax for days at a time and let my guard down. I was able to start doing things I hadn’t done in years. I started reading again (I love it but rarely get the chance because my time and emotional energy is focused on her). I went through a couple of months of being highly motivated for some self improvement with my career and personal growth and felt really great. The last couple of months it’s gone a little downhill again. Still not as extreme but I’ve been more on edge and emotionally drained to the point where I don’t have the energy to focus on myself and read, etc. Because I’m worried about upsetting her again or what’s going to happen next. I feel like she’s an emotional black hole sucking all my life force.

So the latest events have been interesting. And with BPD it shouldn’t be a surprise this is hard for her. There has been some traveling for each of us without each other. She takes a girls trip 1-2 times a year but I rarely travel w/o her.

First I went to see my dad who is going through cancer treatment, I was gone for 4 nights. She had a 10 day girls trip planned out of the country and was leaving 3 days after I got back. Then almost 3 weeks after she gets back, I have a work conference out of state, I’ll be gone for 6 nights.

When I was visiting sick dad she was somewhat supportive but I say that with hesitancy because after the first night she was sending emotional texts expressing how lonely she was, she didn’t have anything to do and wished she had more friends to hang with. Guilt. Then there were some passive aggressive statements like “I’m glad you’re there with your family. I’ll see you for 2 days, then I’m gone. Then a week later you leave again

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[HurtAndTired]

Hi Camp,

Thank you for checking in. I have been wondering about how you are doing. Also, if I remember correctly, you have been worried about the impact of your wife's BPD on your dependent adult son. How is that going? I really hope that this area of your family's life has improved as I have been worried about/for him probably the most.

I think that you are kind of in the same place that I am right now. I have read all the books, done all the work, placed boundaries, and stuck to them. Everything that is in MY power to do. The issue at this point is that she is doing very little to nothing in HER power to make her 50% of the relationship better. While the violence has stopped, the verbal/emotional abuse has greatly diminished, and some measure of peace to return to our home, our relationship has plateaued.

It IS better, but only because we are not constantly fighting anymore. It's like that hot war has gone cold. I am able to only share very superficial details of my life with her, because my deep thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams will still be used as ammunition against me. Also, anything beyond a positive/neutral and superficial exchange has an increased chance of triggering dysregulation. Positive growth in the relationship has been glacial.

I have a lot of (justifiable) resentment for how she has treated me over the years, and we would benefit from going to couples counseling, but we cannot effectively do so until and unless she decides to start going to individual counseling and to do the hard work on herself to gain self-awareness of her condition and how she has treated those around her. Until she can clearly see her part in the dysfunction of our relationship,  couples counseling is a complete waste of time. I was told this by our former couples counselor who specializes in BPD, who told us that he could not work with us until she worked on herself.

I guess what I am trying to say is that while what you have done is amazing and you should be proud of how far you have come, there is a limit to what you can do without a willing partner. You should be proud of improving things in your home and appreciate how far you have come, however, you need to be realistic about how much farther you can improve things on your own. Cleaning up my "half of the street" in the relationship has taken my marriage out of crisis mode, but it has not made everything better between us. I hope that now that I am no longer acting as a pressure valve for her negative emotions, she will eventually become uncomfortable enough with her emotional distress that she will seek help. Until then, I just have to radically accept that this is just how she is and how she will stay until/if she chooses to seek help.

HurtAndTired