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[BeatleFan]

Hello there. 

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 25 years now.  We will have been married 24 years this summer.  She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I am now being treated by a therapist for coping with living with and loving a BP.  Two of our four children (our 19 and 15 year old daughters) are as well.  Our two sons (22 and 21 years old) probably could also be treated, but it is more difficult for them since they are autistic.

My wife was molested almost daily from the time she was age 3 to 11 by her brother who was almost 12 years older than she was.  She was the fourth of five kids, in the household of a disabled military vet who couldn't get classification.  Her father drank excessively during this period, and the older siblings would not tell their parents about the sexual abuse because they feared what their father would do.  The mother finally found out and was accusatory to my wife about the situation rather than doing anything or nurturing.  The phrase my wife most often says her mother uttered upon finding out was, ":)o you think you're the only person this has ever happened to?"  My wife was always seen as the distant, odd child and was always neglected.  One time, she had a school choir concert and she scanned the audience for her family, only to learn afterward that they just dropped her at the door and went for pizza, not even saving her a piece.  To further complicate her life, she was also preyed upon at age 18 by a 35 year old married boss who seduced her into an affair.  His wife found out and committed suicide.  She went to college which is where we met and fell in love.  She also developed several self destructive behaviors including promiscuity (which didn't go far before we got together) and shoplifting.  She is also epileptic, which I am not sure how much plays into her mood swings.  From what we can tell, her maternal grandmother may have also been a BP.  One of the hardest things to deal with is that she does not show this behavior to other people, including her past therapists.  People do not believe that she can act this way.

Recently I discovered that I am co-dependent, which, as I understand, is a very dangerous combination to go along with someone with BPD.  I hold a very defined sense of morality, and I get a lot of my personal fulfillment from helping others be happy.  For the BP who needs someone to make her happy, I was the perfect mate... .up until I failed her, as every human will do. 

It began with small arguments over things like keeping the house clean, what to do over holidays, and parental influence over what we did as a family.  By the ten year point of our marriage, she was really getting angry with multi-hour long rants and temper tantrums sometimes resulting in her hitting me, either with hands or objects.  Multiple times, things were broken or damaged like walls, or items things that I had collected and treasured (I collect sci-fi collectibles, Beatles memorabilia, and baseball items). 

Things culminated in 2004 when we got in a fight over the state of cleanliness in the house, she really started hitting me.  This time, I stood my ground and pushed her away which resulted in her backing me up against the sink with my watermelon knife ready to plunge into me.  She caught what she was doing and stopped before anything else happened.  I tried to approach the subject with her a few times over the next couple weeks, but she denied anything happened.  I was told, "THERE WAS NO KNIFE!  STOP LYING ABOUT IT!"  I talked with a counselor whom she had seen before and stopped (I think because he got to something she didn't want to deal with), and he told me to either get a lawyer or he would call child protection and have the kids removed.  So, six weeks after the event with the knife, she was served with divorce papers, by surprise at the advice of therapists and lawyers as we couldn't calculate her reaction.  We wound up reconciling, but the event still has deep effects on our relationship.  The event has changed in her mind that I am completely responsible for her actions that day: I provoked her, threatened her, and she was only acting in self defense.  Furthermore, she found documents that my lawyer had me create to corroborate my case against her years later (2012) which have caused more mistrust and feelings of abandonment in her.

Also in the past few years, there has been a considerable amount of physical abuse with her hitting me, bruising my arm, punching my head (she got me between the jaw and temple hard enough that the muscle was bruised enough that I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich for two weeks), and put deep scratches on my cheek while trying to pull my face off that didn't heal completely for over a month.  These things I am told that any woman would do to a husband who treated his wife like I treat her.  She claims that her hits are attention-getters and I am overblowing the severity and playing a victim.  She denies that she ever scratched my face.

Verbal abuse happens in spurts.  At times, I am the wonderful spouse.  Other times, I am the bane of her existence, wishing that she'd either never married me, or taken off with our first child when he was a baby, never letting me see him again.  Often, she will threaten that she'd like to slit her wrists or say she'd bash my or our kids' heads in with a hammer while we sleep.  Most of the time, I have learned to shut her out.  I shut down and become unresponsive.  We have attended marital therapy, most recently using Emotionally Focused Therapy to work through our issues.  I open up in a session, only to be verbally pummeled, often hit, as soon as the car door closes to leave.  I clam up again.  I become the "cardboard cutout" that she so often complains about.

She gets upset that I do not enforce her sometimes off the wall demands of our "lazy" and "ungrateful" children.  They have all expressed fear and frustration with her unreasonableness.  For instance, this past Christmas, we had to stay up until 3:30 AM on the day before Christmas Eve (Friday night) to get the house clean.  The kids came to me and said, ":)ad, you have to do something!"  However, anything I could try to do would have only been adding napalm to a raging fire.  On Christmas morning, she held up breakfast by almost 2 hours and then gift opening because it was suddenly time to go outside and clean the yard.  When the kids come to me to talk or for advice on this, I have to keep it secret from her.  I can't let her know what is going on with them because when she finds out, I am "weaponizing" the kids against her.  Things I say to them that she overhears or finds out about are put into the most negative light possible and she says I am running her down to them.  I hide as much as possible from her because I can no longer feed her anger against them.  The kids do everything they can to be away from her.  My oldest son spends as much time as possible at his girlfriend's house.  The other son locks himself in his room and watches movies.  The daughter in college calls me several times a week but never calls her.  The youngest daughter is very involved in extracurricular and church activities and spends as much time as possible at friends' houses.  The irony sets in that she is afraid that if she leaves me, the kids will never come to see her.  That is so true.  None of them would visit her, not that they visit her now, even when we are under the same roof.

I have entered therapy a few times over the years, as has my wife.  She always gets to a point where she suddenly discounts the therapist as a quack and leaves for a few months or years.  My therapists have never seemed to get anywhere with me until a couple of years ago.  She suggested that my wife might be a BP.  That therapist moved away, and I went without a therapist until this past fall when things started to get bad again.  I went out and looked up BPD and found a youtube video about BPD and codependency.  It sounded all too familiar.  I started back with a new therapist and we are making tremendous progress.  My youngest started cutting herself in the fall, so we placed her in therapy.  After seeing my therapist and getting grounded that my wife probably is a BP, I had a separate conversation with my daughter's therapist about BPD.  They started going through the book "Understanding Your Borderline Mother."  The therapist agrees that this is what my wife has.  My other daughter in college started seeing a therapist there as well.  I told her to talk to them about my wife being a BP.  That therapist agrees as well.  The biggest problem is that when I suggested to my wife about checking into being a BP, she exploded.  There was nothing wrong with her.  I have more of the BPD symptoms than she does.  I am the problem.  Although she recently called my EAP to get some therapy, she is going to "get strong enough to be independent enough to leave." 

I have been reading the books on BPD.  I started with the "Understanding Your Borderline Mother," and I'm now into "Walking on Eggshells" which brought me to this website.  Next up, I have "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I'm working on this.  I know it will be a long slow process.  I have to learn to have the courage to set the goalposts and not let her move them.  I have to bolster my kids to keep them strong and sane.  It is so hard sometimes to ride the line, keeping them safe and appeasing her needs.  Fighting the battles we can win, and trying to stay out of the others, although they are mostly unavoidable.

So, I come to this group as a safe place, to let off steam, to gain a better understanding, for advice on how to deal with the hard road ahead.  I love my wife dearly.  She really is my world, although she thinks otherwise.  I want to grow old with her and enjoy our years to come.  I understand that this may not be possible, and I am coming to accept this possibility.  Thank you for creating this community as support.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome BeatleFan: 

My goodness, you have your hands full.  You are dealing with a lot.

  She has not been officially diagnosed with BPD, but I am now being treated by a therapist for coping with living with and loving a BP. 

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.  It seems to be common that those around a pwBPD go to therapy.

I'm now into "Walking on Eggshells" which brought me to this website.  Next up, I have "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me."  I'm working on this.  I know it will be a long slow process.  I have to learn to have the courage to set the goalposts and not let her move them.  I have to bolster my kids to keep them strong and sane.  It is so hard sometimes to ride the line, keeping them safe and appeasing her needs.  Fighting the battles we can win, and trying to stay out of the others, although they are mostly unavoidable.

I have the "Stop Walking on Egg Shells" book. I got the workbook as well. Sounds like you are on your way to becoming an expert.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that she does not show this behavior to other people, including her past therapists.  People do not believe that she can act this way.

I agree with you. It is hard to understand. Seems they like to save up their bad emotions and dump them where they feel safe.  Home and family is generally the safe place.

Recently I discovered that I am co-dependent, which, as I understand, is a very dangerous combination to go along with someone with BPD.  I hold a very defined sense of morality, and I get a lot of my personal fulfillment from helping others be happy.  For the BP who needs someone to make her happy, I was the perfect mate... .up until I failed her, as every human will do. 

Sounds like you had a good run as Superman. Best to stay safe and have a safety plan in place for when your partner gets violent.  The info at the link below can help you with that

SAFETY FIRST
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

There are some links to basic tools in the margin to the right of this post.  Check them out and let us know what you think. 

[BeatleFan]

Thank you for the advice.  I am working on integrating some of the strategies into our interactions.  It is hard here at first.  I think she doesn't like my setting boundaries and trying to resist against her anger while she is raging.  I am still met with turning things back on me, or that my reflecting is offering platitudes instead of really conversing.

I really need to figure out the "4 don'ts" from the Eggshell book.  It is VERY hard to not defend, deny, counterattack, and withdraw.  Especially when she doesn't care to hear that I am actually validating that she has the feelings she does.

Many of the most ironic things are that when she rages at me all day, especially with a new round of attack at bed time, she gets very upset that I don't feel like making love to her.  I don't know that she understands that it isn't a light switch.  When she hurts me and berates me, I don't feel like being lovey-dovey on the turn of a dime.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey BeatleFan:    
I hear you.  Nothing about this is easy.     Hang in there.  

I really need to figure out the "4 don'ts" from the Eggshell book.  It is VERY hard to not defend, deny, counterattack, and withdraw.  Especially when she doesn't care to hear that I am actually validating that she has the feelings she does.

Sometime, you might want to focus on just NOT invalidating.  You may want to alternate between validating on some occasions and just NOT invalidating on other occasions.  Also, there can be levels of validation.  Sometime body language or an expression can serve to either validate or invalidate
 
The link below addresses levels of validation.
www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/validation.html

Many of the most ironic things are that when she rages at me all day, especially with a new round of attack at bed time, she gets very upset that I don't feel like making love to her.  I don't know that she understands that it isn't a light switch.  When she hurts me and berates me, I don't feel like being lovey-dovey on the turn of a dime.

Perhaps you could try using an "I" Statement.
The video at the link below can be a helpful tutorial for using "I" Statements:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDExNRJCUp0

The quote below is a template on how to formulate an "I" Statement.

How To Use I-Statements:

Start by identifying how you feel: mad, sad, frustrated, etc.
I feel __________

State the reason you feel this way or what happened that led you to those feelings.
when __________

Try to identify the reason the person’s actions led to those feelings for you.
because __________

Let the person know what you want instead.
I would like __________ .

Example:
Your spouse snaps at you during dinner and it really hurt your feelings. Here’s an I-statement to use with this scenario:

I feel hurt when you snap at me like that because I worked hard to cook this nice dinner for us. I would like you to use nicer words and tone with me, and to know if something happened today that has led you to be in a bad mood.

Additionally, a couple of samples appear below.  They might give you an idea about a type of statement that might apply to your situation.  What might your version be?  Take a crack at it and see what you come up with.

Sample 1
I love you and I enjoy making love to you. When I feel hurt and berated, I'm not in the mood for lovemaking.  I have a need for both of us to show mutual respect.

Sample 2
I love you and I enjoy making love to you. When I feel hurt and berated, I'm not in the mood for lovemaking.  Let's work on making tomorrow a better day.

You might find the strategy below helpful:

In the midst of an intense conversation that is escalating and unproductive, practice Delay, Distract, Depersonalize, and Detach.

Delay. Tell the other person, "Why don't we think about things and talk about this later?" or "Give me some time to think about what you're saying." Speak calmly and in a way that affirms the other person as well as yourself, without necessarily confirming their claims: "I'm feeling upset right now. Your feelings are important to me and I need some time to understand them."

Distract. Suggest, for instance, that the two of you run an errand together.

Depersonalize. Throughout, you will do better if you remind yourself frequently that the BP's harsh criticism of you is not real, but still feels very real to that person. Don't take the other person's comments personally, however cutting or cruel they may feel to you. This is the nature of the disorder.

Detach. Remove yourself emotionally from getting caught up in the emotional whirlwind. Resolve to yourself, "I'm not going to get so involved in this."

This is especially true not just in moments of high negativity, but in moments of high positive emotions. Impulsivity is a key trait of people with BPD, and while it can show up in negative actions—like throwing something through a window or telling you you're a monster and he never wants to see you again—it can also show up in positive actions: Telling you she adores you and wants to get married, right now or tomorrow. A BP's positive impulsivity can be very seductive. Detaching yourself can help you guard against it.

The emotional cycle that a person with BPD goes through can be compared to a row of dominos. One trigger, one push of the first domino, and the entire row falls in rapid succession. Your job is to try to remove your own "domino" from the row. You can also learn what makes the dominos fall. Pay attention to your experiences and anticipate ways to keep things calm. If you can calm yourself, the adrenaline doesn't flow through your system, and you can begin to try to steer the volatile relationship into less stormy seas.

It may help if you remind yourself, "I can't help that person's splitting. I can't help that person's shame. I can't help that person's fear. I can't control those things. What I can control is how I respond. And if I respond calmly, not impulsively, perhaps I can lower the temperature and help us find new ways to respond to each other and manage the BPD."

This doesn't mean caving in, however. Simply adopting a "whatever you say, dear" is not good for your own mental health, and it's not good for the person with BPD, either.