Question about what not to say

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi

Legit question...why are we not supposed to suggest to an undiagnosed person that they maybe have emotional dysregulation or BPD?

Also, I would love to hear if anyone's adult child ever says "I can't take anymore" and what you respond with.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi Anxious,

My stepdaughter would often say things along the lines of, I can’t take this anymore, I’m not going to be around much longer, It’s hopeless, my life is over, what’s the point, I hate my life.

At first, you might try to point out her lovable traits, or things to look forward to, or why you would be devastated if something happened to her. But arguing with logic doesn’t seem to work, right?   She might devolve and accuse you of not listening, that you can’t possibly understand the depths of her pain. And then she switches and becomes accusatory, blaming you or her family for making her this way, and doing nothing to help her. If you get defensive and try to point out her untruths, she’ll rage. She might storm off or ask you to leave. She wants to wallow in her pit of despair, roll up with it like a blanket. It’s her bizarre coping mechanism.

If you suggest getting help when she’s in a full-size dysregulation, you’re basically disagreeing with her, and you might get the you-don’t-understand response, or you might get projection—You’re psycho, you’re the one who needs help. Or she might become so enraged that she fights you physically, because of your plausible threat of getting her help.

These episodes are scary. If she’s actively threatening suicide, you call 911. If she’s unwilling to listen, I think you don’t JADE. And if you feel you’re not helping or get stressed out yourself, I think you extract yourself. You go ahead and give her a “time out” so she can calm down, and in the process you get a time out too.

If she trusts you, then you might bring up the option of getting help, but only when she’s in a calm state. Yet she might take the suggestion as invalidating, because she’s convinced that others are the source of her problems. And nobody wants to hear that there’s something wrong with them, even if there’s less stigma today than in the past.

Having said that, my stepdaughter liked the notion that doctors are professionals. Doctors  see similar situations every day, and they will know how to help somebody feel better. That’s the whole point—getting some treatment to lessen the unbearable pain. With this approach, you are not invalidating the pain, and you are relieved of trying to figure out a solution by yourself.

[Sancho]

Hi Always Anxious
Not sure about the answer to your first question. Could it be that if it is not formally diagnosed it might take someone down the wrong path? Perhaps one could say 'You have very intense emotions that overtake you at times'?

I laughed out loud when I read "I can't take anymore".

I have heard this millions of times. I don't say anything in response.

[Winniethepoo]

Hi Anxious,

I have heard the same comment many times - I can't take it anymore, or even threats of suicide. I was always responding to this in a way that would make my daughter feel as though she had something to be grateful for but it always backfired on me. I didn't understand. I was being insensitive. dismissive. I was, and still am, always afraid of what those comments mean and my fear in the past caused me to react immediately. I now try to sit with those comments even though every cell in my body is racing, my thoughts troubled. I seem to do better with this approach and my daughter seems calmer as well.

[Sancho]

It's quite interesting that this phrase - or similar is something each of our BPD people use. It seems - in my case - to come out automatically ie not really the result of a reflection, but rather a spontaneous statement.

[Josie C]

Hi AlwaysAnxious,
As to your first query, I don’t know of any research-backed reasoning, though there’s likely something out there.  The reaction to such info would vary widely.  Some may find relief in knowing what the issue could be, while others may find a BPD diagnosis to be debilitating. My DD(30) knows of her BPD diagnosis and sometimes I think she carries it like a flag.  “I have BPD, it’s all YOUR fault.”  I get the impression that she has done a lot of research and she feeds off the blame-it-on-the-parent BPD model.  She is hiding in the role of victim.  It’s easier than coming to terms with her role in her recovery.  She’s just not ready yet.

My daughter has often said “I can’t take this/do this/live like this…” and has expressed a desire to die by suicide on many occasions.  She tells us she is afraid to die alone and has begged us to help her die.

It’s really scary.  I don’t think it’s manipulative because it really is how she feels and no matter what I do or say, it’s the wrong thing.  So it’s not like she’s trying to get me to behave a certain way when she talks this talk. I’m learning to stay quiet. It’s hard because it’s so frightening.

I now try to sit with those comments even though every cell in my body is racing, my thoughts troubled. I seem to do better with this approach and my daughter seems calmer as well.

Like Winnie, it eats me up inside. I’m learning that when I refrain from commenting, at least I haven’t made things worse. My therapist also tells me that talking less is best. I try to remove myself and let her calm down alone.  (Of course, I’m worried sick in the meantime.)

We recently had this situation.  I tried taking her to the ER, but she refused to leave the car.  I called the Mobile Crisis Line for our county and they said they would come out.  But when they called her to verify, she refused them. On a previous call to the Crisis Line, they called the police and the officers handcuffed her before taking her to the hospital.  She was not a danger to anyone— no weapon, she’s barely 5 feet tall, 100 lbs, not on drugs. All it did was feed her anger and sense of victimhood.

I guess I’m a slow learner, because after 10 years of this, I’m finally realizing that it’s best for me to just stay quiet.

When things are particularly awful, I leave a message with her therapist. I don’t have permission to speak with the T, but at least I can let her know my d’s state of mind and I feel like I’ve done something.

Thinking of you!

[Sancho]

Just want to clarify 'laughing out loud'.

I couldn't believe I was reading the words I had heard so often. It was like someone else in the world hears what I hear!

You are doing it so tough Always Anxious. Those who are responding certainly understand what you are going through, and their responses are really good I think.

We are on such a chaotic journey. Here is where people understand - and are even hear the same things from their loved BPD child! I am so lucky to have found this family.