Hey Tryinhard78,
and we're glad you found us.
It must be a painful place to be in; separated, trying to work it out, yet tripped up almost on a schedule. It's not what you wanted out of this time -- I'm sure you were hoping for some resolution, some movement towards a healthier relationship, but it's not happening yet. If BPD is involved, it makes sense that this already-challenging process (rebuilding after separation) is orders of magnitude more difficult, given how unintuitive it can be to interact
effectively with a pwBPD.
How long have you been married? How long has the separation been? And do you two have any kind of "separation coach", referee, therapist, or counselor managing the process?
I keep trying hard to make things work. But there’s always something that sets the bad week up
This last time she told me she doesn’t want support and she can do it on her own.
How did you respond when she said that?
...
When we "hit a wall" in a relationship -- when we seem to be stuck in a dead end -- it may be because none of the current relationship tools in our toolbelt are effective for the situation. We've tried "giving more", "being nicer", "not arguing", etc, but nothing seems to work.
That doesn't mean there's no other path forward -- it may mean that it's time to learn and apply some different tools and approaches.
You've already tried stepping on the gas and hitting the brakes -- but your car is still stuck in the dead end. It's time to try some other things, like turning the steering wheel
The reason I'm curious about how you responded when your W said "I can do it on my own" is because the #1 way we trip ourselves up in BPD relationships is through
being invalidating towards others.
Like the thread says:
When it comes to emotional intelligence, one of the most advanced skills is learning how to become more validating and less invalidating.
Often, if we are experiencing a communication breakdown, or if there is a wall between us and someone else, it most likely has been built with the bricks of invalidation.
This is a powerful tool and life skill. Mastering it will greatly elevate your emotional intelligence and your "people skills".
When you have a minute, take a look at the link, and let us know your thoughts on it -- and walk us through how you typically respond when your W says stuff like "I don't need your support". There may be opportunities there for you to try something different... it could be the start of turning things around.
