My marriage with BPD wife

[Looser Coward]

Hi,

I’m a 42 year old straight male. I was married at 27 and had two girls from that marriage. My marriage ended in a really bad divorce. I think the marriage itself was very difficult and from my perspective I held on until it was unbearable.  After the marriage ended, I was single and didn’t have custody of my girls.  I tried talking to some women to start relationships. I come from a traditional Indian background and people im interested in are only looking to get married but not just dating.

I have spoken to several women on dating apps and nothing would progress past the point where I mentioned that I have children.  This would heavily depress me and I’d just get into a cycle of self hate. I’d recover and try and it would repeat itself.  Meanwhile my ex remarried. I did not know how to mentally deal with it and I fell into severe depression.  When I recovered I came across this woman from common contacts and started talking to her.  She seemed very interested in me and it felt like I was getting my Cinderella ending.  I was so optimistic that I didn’t even look for any red flags.  Her parents also lked me and very soon wanted to get us married. ( this may come across strange but my culture doesn’t believe in dating and rushes folks into marriage very quickly). I was not objecting bc I thought I found the greatest thing ever.

She was also divorced but she had no children.  Her reason for ending her previous marriage was that her ex used have sex with prostitutes and refused to stop doing that.  Since I was in lala land I didn’t concern myself. Rather, I felt like I was the prince that was promised to rescue her from this misery.

We got married at a very special place that was spiritually significant to me.  I felt like God was guiding me to this great person and all my struggles up to that point was to prepare me for this.

After getting married and spending prolonged time with I started noticing strange behavior.  She would be laughing and be charming but at the slightest inconvenience would turn into another person. She would be sad and depressed.  At first I’d get really worried and tried to make sure things didn’t happen that could trigger her.  But it would be inevitable. Everything here and there would trigger her into world shattering situations.  However, she would also make quick 180 and make me feel like she was at fault and everything is good.  She was getting along with my children and with that I thought I could withstand her mood swings. 

However, as time went on her mood swings became very severe.  She claims she  has ADHD and that is the reason for this behavior.  She showed me a lot of love and care and made me feel like she was so helpless and I needed to help her survive.  She once mentioned that her therapist thought she might be BPD.  I started to look that up and it made a perfect alignment with her behavior.

One time we had a very crazy situation and I lied to her about hanging out with my friends. She found out by looking through my phone.  Ever since then she claims she can’t trust me.  And now this is the theme of her latest out breaks. She would go through my phone and find things like random chats with friends, my internet searches and create severe situations.  We would hang out with my coworkers and she made a giant deal about me being so close with co workers and also I had different attitudes around everyone else but her.

Every 40 hours or so something would happen and everything up until now would be brought up.  We would reconcile but the reconciliation were not as complete.  I started feeling like trash and considered leaving her because my sad and depressing single life wasn’t this miserable but then I would back down bc she would show her normal side.

Nowadays she is saying she has no hope for our marriage and she is only here bc she can’t go any where.  She won’t trust me bc i might hide a thing and cheat behind her back. She believes that is likely going to happen bc i have hidden things like conversations with my friends (male).

I wish I could explain my reluctance on leaving her bc of my cultural beliefs around marriage but i am left helpless and don’t know what to do.

We started couples therapy but the therapist is telling me that everything could be resolved with medication. Everything here is normal and i should be expecting a normal marriage.

We changed therapists bc i didn’t think that was the right approach.  We found another therapist who was an expert on neuro diversity and trauma.  I’m very pessimistic.  I know my wife can’t help these behaviors but I see this up and down. From almost ending the relationship to fake recovery. I don’t know how to talk to her. What to say what not to say.  I tried walking on egg shells but she still finds a way to get into the horrible world shattering moods.  I don’t have suicidal thoughts but sometimes I wish I could just get cancer or something and die. I just need to find a way to properly mentally address my situation.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Anon guy 47]

Hey Brother,  Sorry to hear what you are going through, I am in the same boat as you and it is very difficult.  I will keep you and your family in prayer.

Since she suggested she might have BPD, have you tried to find a therapist that specializes in that?  I don't know if therapy even helps because my wife is not willing to go but if she was, I would hire the top most expert in our area to learn more and see if it helps. 

BTW Your username stood out to me "Looser Coward"  I don't know if that resembles how you feel (I know I do at times when things get tough) but I can tell you that anyone willing to stay with a person that has a personality or mental disorder is definitely not a loser or a coward, if anything they are a strong hero and are able to handle more than 99% or the population can as most men would give up at the first sign of trouble.   When times get tough instead of looking at yourself in a negative light, try to look at yourself as a role model for others not to give up hope on their marriage.