Turkey Blues

[DetoxLilly]

I have been NC with my oldest sister for 6 years. The last time we interacted was when she showed up at my workplace insisting she belonged in the sport. After that, she kicked out her child and said she did so because they are conspiring with me to do witchcraft and ruin her life.

I’ve made some life altering changes since that last episode. Because of the stress and the pain of what was going on in her I landed in the hospital and after that I said no more. I left my home and moved 1500 plus miles away.

Now I’m home for the holidays and she called our dad (who knows everything and was the biggest supporter of my going NC) and I feel like I just got hit by a truck. My dad said at dinner “I’ve always known your sister doesn’t love you and I’ve been telling you that since you were a kid.”

I know that in my soul. I understand that logically and yet it just hurts so bad.

How do you cope with the deep gut wrenching feelings of having a sibling actually hate you? Especially around the holidays?

[Greg]

How do you cope with the deep gut wrenching feelings of having a sibling actually hate you? Especially around the holidays?

It helps me to think of it in different terms.  It's not that the person hates me, it's that they are not capable of love.  They are severely damaged and sick.  They need to help themselves and stop abusing people.  If my momster ever decided to seriously go into therapy and work on making amends for the wreckage and destruction she has caused over the decades,  I would give her audience.  The sad truth is though, many cluster Bs will die before admitting their part in pain and trauma.

The pain is real, but it gets better over time with NC I find.  Life becomes filled more with loving people and I no longer have an attachment (stockholm syndrome) to the people that seek to hurt me.

"love yourself" is too cliche and not easy to do.  but what I find works best is "putting myself in proximity to loving, kind people."

the holiday times pass.  they can be crummy.  I just wait it out like Im in a fallout bunker, .

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother was angry at me at the last part of my father's life, and enlisted him to "her side" and he was angry at me.

There are several possible ways to look at this besides, did my father hate me? One would be, he was sick, she said things to him that weren't true, or that he was confused at the end. That would be a more reassuring interpretation but BPD mother continued to say hurtful things. I had to tell her to stop saying things like that. If she brings it up I will hang up the phone.

Why would my BPD mother say these things? Does she hate me?  Possibly, but the better answer is that- she's mentally ill and so overwhelmed with her own unhappiness- she isn't able to care about anyone else. She may act like she hates me but it's a projection of her own inner disorder.

I think it's the same for your sister. She's mentally ill and this is projection of her own poor self image. It's not personal to you. She can't hate you, because- she doesn't "see" you - not the real you- if what she sees is her own projection.

I understand how distressing it is to wonder if your parents or sibling actually hate you but I also know that "who" my mother sees is her projections, not the actual person. It's not possible to hate someone- on a personal level- if you don't know anything about them.

I don't believe your sister hates you. It don't know why your father said this. Maybe his comprehension of your sister's issues is limited, but even he doesn't know what your sister is thinking or feeling. Maybe she's said something in anger but people can say things they don't mean when they are angry, or in the moment. Maybe your father feels hurt too and this is his own expression of that.

We aren't able to know what someone else is thinking or feeling, so your father's interpretation of your sister's feelings is just his own interpretation. It's not necessarily true. If he ( or anyone else) says this to you, reply "this is hurtful to hear, so I don't want to discuss my sister" and change the subject.

[Greg]

Why would my BPD mother say these things? Does she hate me?  Possibly, but the better answer is that- she's mentally ill and so overwhelmed with her own unhappiness- she isn't able to care about anyone else. She may act like she hates me but it's a projection of her own inner disorder.

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