The art of letting go. What would you like to let go of?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Letting go of negative stuff is an art more than a science.

There seems to be an instinct to fight back or make a point, when the healthiest thing to do is just let-it-go, and move on.

Here's what I want to let go of:
- The pain
- My beliefs around not being good enough.
- My need for validation from others.
- My intese fascination with BPD, NPD, general dysfunction and cluster B stuff

What's your stuff, that you want to let go of?

[Moselle]

Letting go of negative stuff is an art more than a science.

There seems to be an instinct to fight back or make a point, when the healthiest thing to do is just let-it-go, and move on.

Here's what I want to let go of:
- The pain
- My beliefs around not being good enough.
- My need for validation from others.
- My intese fascination with BPD, NPD, general dysfunction and cluster B stuff

What's your stuff, that you want to let go of?

[bus boy]

I have let go of so many things, detached, feel the best in years but I struggle with being told so many times I wasn't a protector and didn't know how to look after my family. It is much harder now that Xw is living with her BF and how fast she moved him into s10's life and gave him full fledged father rights to my son. That makes it harder bc it helps to cement I wasn't a protector of my family.

[Larmoyant]

Right this minute I'd like to let go of the painful, sickening feeling that I let myself down.

[Aesir]

I have to let go of being put down and blamed for things that she should have done for herself. The memory of walking on eggshells and making one mistake to set her off.  The fact that I stayed when common sense was screaming at me to leave her alone. I think that I'm making progress on the need for validation. It's either that or I'm just numb.

[Soulcrushed4]

The shame, humiliation and guilt that I allowed this person in my children's lives.

The feelings of worthlessness.

The heartache from letting myself and my kids down.

[love4meNOTu]

The shame, humiliation and guilt that I allowed this person in my children's lives.

The feelings of worthlessness.

The heartache from letting myself and my kids down.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. My deepest regrets are how my children were affected by my choices.

If only I could have a do over, I would never have rushed into marriage with xhwBPD. There must be something I can do to let it go. I just don't know how.

I cannot forgive myself. And that is what has kept me on these boards for four years.

I wish for healing and grace for all of us affected. I hope it comes with time and wisdom.

[earlyL]

I can't let go of the guilt still - I find it creeps up on me and it shakes me to the core to think I could have done things differently. My partner cheated and blames me for not being around as I was away with work. I remember thinking being away was perhaps a bad idea, although not because of cheating, just because I knew she would struggle. In truth I know there is nothing I could do - it would have happened at some point, she has a history of cheating, but I still find the guilt is there in my head, gnawing away.

[Moselle]

I still find the guilt is there in my head, gnawing away.

Are you sure this is guilt?

And not shame?

Guilt has a positive aspect in that it leads to meaningful change.

Toxic shame is what keeps us addicted to the dysfunction. "Gnawing away' would be a fairly good description of it.

What do you think the key to letting this go  might be?

[mjssmom]

My questions. I'd really like to feel at peace with all the unanswered questions that I have. My ex boyfriend suddenly leaving me after literally Telling Me 2 days before hand that he wanted a commitment and a future really threw me for a loop. It hurt like hell. And even though I got a lot of answers here and from learning about BPD I still have a ton of questions and no one has answers to.

[infjEpic]

In truth I know there is nothing I could do - it would have happened at some point, she has a history of cheating, but I still find the guilt is there in my head, gnawing away.

What she did is about her and her actions.
Not about you.

She's in a relationship with you - but turns to somebody else - that's her problem. Not about you.

Very, very hard to accept. I had similar feelings about an ex (not BPD). I was working too much (to provide a better future for us).
After we broke up - she implied she had cheated (she didn't, but women can be nasty af.)
I swallowed it hook, line and sinker.
Blamed myself a lot. I had stood by her through thick and thin - her being out of work, her mom dying, etc.

It was a really bitter pill to swallow.

My counsellor nearly assaulted me when I expressed my feelings of guilt and shame about it
'oh if I hadn't been working so much'.

It's on her. Not on you.

[infjEpic]

In terms of letting go, I feel like I'm mostly there.

Mostly, I would just like to go through a full day without thinking about her and that experience.

Probly gonna take more time.

[earlyL]

Toxic shame is what keeps us addicted to the dysfunction. "Gnawing away' would be a fairly good description of it.

Moselle - Thank you for your reply, yes I think you are right, it is shame more than guilt. I have done a lot of work with my therapist on this and I feel it is reducing down but fluctuates and sometimes rears its head and is unbearable. I have to accept it is about her and not me.

InfjEpic - it is exactly what I have just been through, I worked for three months solid to earn enough for us to start our own business, and she found someone else, apparently I was distant. Three months in two years, having supported her through a career change. Her words were 'I don't need you anymore, you don't fulfil my needs'. I feel it is so cruel and yet I know you are right, it is nothing to do with me. She chose to to turn to somebody else. And really it is her guilt lashing out. I just can't quite accept it fully yet.
Thank you, it is amazing how healing it is just to share these things.

LW