Trying to do the right thing

[tornphoto]

I broke up with my partner. She has untreated borderline. Much like I've read about many times, she has amazing qualities, one of the most creative, intelligent, and exciting women I've ever dated. We had a whirlwind experience this summer, and it felt amazing. Sex was amazing, romance and connection were amazing. before we had dated she had plans to pursue recording an album across the country, so when the summer was over she left and we were going to try for a long distance relationship.

Things started to get weird once she left, and we weren't consumed in each other. She had an instance of "sexual assault" she believed was her own fault, and cut herself after the incident. I still don't know the details over what had happened, I wanted to be a supportive partner and told her that no matter what happens to a victim in sexual assault it's never the victim's fault, even if they're a "participant." She had relief in this, and said she was more of a participant than I understood. I told her I didn't need to know the details. She began to get angry with me over compliments I gave her. she was mad at me for an entire day because I told her she was a better musician than something I had listened to and said it was "wrong to feed her ego." I thought it was just a sensitive subject for her.

 It took two weeks before she cheated on me. She called me the next morning and immediately confessed what had happened. I ended the relationship then. She's contacted me and has apologized, telling me she's "a retard and a slut" and how she cries at night thinking about hurting someone who didn't deserve it. I told her I wanted space from her, but I still cared about her but my trust was broken. I've been holding strong not communicating with her. She text me recently and said she'll be home for the holidays (where I live) and wants to see , me and pursue a friendship with me. I asked what she wants with my friendship and she said "to have object constancy while we're not near each other, to be able to able to interact with me when she's home."

My gut says this is some type of attempt to lure me back in to her life. to be honest a part of me wants that because I love her. the more logical part of me knows that she's not going to change, and I should believe who I know she is from her actions. I need support.

I've known her for 2 years now. We were friends before things got intimate. i feel like I'm a lucky one in that I got out of a long relationship of ups and downs that I believe would destroy my own peace. I know myself well, yet I fear that I'll become weak around her.

[once removed]

she said "to have object constancy while we're not near each other, to be able to able to interact with me when she's home."
...
My gut says this is some type of attempt to lure me back in to her life.

it sounds like, at the very least, she wants the prospect of you in her life to help her cope with the breakup.

thats relatively normal (ive been there), and for the person on the receiving end of a breakup, it can make things seem less final, and easier to swallow. this can be especially true for someone with bpd, who may display blurry boundaries, and tend to inappropriately lean on you for support or validation.

exes do become friends all the time, but it typically doesnt look like more than distant acquaintances. the two of you will never be "besties".

I believe would destroy my own peace. I know myself well, yet I fear that I'll become weak around her.

the most important things here are how you feel about it, and where you are in the stages of detachment. youre not obligated to, or terribly capable of, "helping her heal" - you have your own healing to do, and thats paramount.

if Detaching is your goal, you need the space to grieve and process the breakup. there are lots of ways to go about Detaching. you can do it with her in your life to some degree, out of your life entirely, or set all that aside for now, and focus on your healing. its entirely up to you.

but if you want to commit to ending the relationship, and fear that your commitment is shaky right now, honor that. you dont want to put yourself in a situation where temptation will be greater.

this can help: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[SinisterComplex]

exes do become friends all the time, but it typically doesnt look like more than distant acquaintances. the two of you will never be "besties".

I do want to follow up on this alongside my comrade here...to put it a bit differently expectations are what need to be tempered. I see too many people with the idea of friends in their mind meaning they need close proximity or that they need regular contact. That isn't realistic and in truth with exes isn't healthy until after there is enough time apart to heal individually away from one another.

If you want to be friends with an ex later on there is nothing wrong with that. Just set the expectations in your mind that the relationship will more or less be another relationship like when you see someone you know you may say hey how are you doing and have some small talk, but then go about your business. 

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[seekingtheway]

To further add to the comments about being friends with an ex - this came up with my psych recently, and she recommended that five years would be a somewhat realistic timeframe for that kind of thing to happen with my ex. Seems like such a long time but I know what she means. When there are trauma bonds and addiction-type dynamics going on in a relationship, it makes the healing/detaching timeframe much longer.

The idea of being friends is attractive because it allows you to cling hold of a few final shreds of hope.. and it's possible your ex has more than a few shreds of hope... but I think most of us know deep down it's not a true friendship, and most of the time if you try and do this before you're both ready, it will potentially lead to more toxicity and blow up the possibility of friendship later down the track.

[SnailShell]

Something I experienced when trying to be friends with my BPD ex is that... she didn't seem able to hold herself in a consistent, appropriate attachment.

I was hurting too, and so friendship may've been a bad idea anyway; but I was at least able to temper that hurt and behave somewhat consistently across time.

She disappeared so that it felt as though she didn't want to be friends; then she'd come back and it'd feel 'more than friendly' - and she'd come back with initially 'accidental' texts, or with pre-set agendas which allowed her to start a conversation (rather than being transparent and just getting in touch).

It was all very confusing...

Post-break-up life is hard to navigate anyway, but I think it's a lot harder when one person struggles with specific attachment stuff... it really requires relational discipline, and even then it isn't easy...

[HoratioX]

I broke up with my partner. She has untreated borderline. Much like I've read about many times, she has amazing qualities, one of the most creative, intelligent, and exciting women I've ever dated. We had a whirlwind experience this summer, and it felt amazing. Sex was amazing, romance and connection were amazing. before we had dated she had plans to pursue recording an album across the country, so when the summer was over she left and we were going to try for a long distance relationship.

Things started to get weird once she left, and we weren't consumed in each other. She had an instance of "sexual assault" she believed was her own fault, and cut herself after the incident. I still don't know the details over what had happened, I wanted to be a supportive partner and told her that no matter what happens to a victim in sexual assault it's never the victim's fault, even if they're a "participant." She had relief in this, and said she was more of a participant than I understood. I told her I didn't need to know the details. She began to get angry with me over compliments I gave her. she was mad at me for an entire day because I told her she was a better musician than something I had listened to and said it was "wrong to feed her ego." I thought it was just a sensitive subject for her.

 It took two weeks before she cheated on me. She called me the next morning and immediately confessed what had happened. I ended the relationship then. She's contacted me and has apologized, telling me she's "a retard and a slut" and how she cries at night thinking about hurting someone who didn't deserve it. I told her I wanted space from her, but I still cared about her but my trust was broken. I've been holding strong not communicating with her. She text me recently and said she'll be home for the holidays (where I live) and wants to see , me and pursue a friendship with me. I asked what she wants with my friendship and she said "to have object constancy while we're not near each other, to be able to able to interact with me when she's home."

My gut says this is some type of attempt to lure me back in to her life. to be honest a part of me wants that because I love her. the more logical part of me knows that she's not going to change, and I should believe who I know she is from her actions. I need support.

I've known her for 2 years now. We were friends before things got intimate. i feel like I'm a lucky one in that I got out of a long relationship of ups and downs that I believe would destroy my own peace. I know myself well, yet I fear that I'll become weak around her.

I've never known a long-distance relationship to work. I'm not saying they can't or don't. I just don't know of any.

People have physical needs, and an attractive person, particularly an attractive woman, has no shortage of opportunity.

Add BPD (and the like) to the mix, and it gets worse.

To me, you did the right thing by breaking it off, and you're doing the right thing by not trying to rekindle it or let her rekindle it.  If she'd been committed to the relationship, she wouldn't have ended up sleeping with someone else. Sure, BPD (or the like) may be the explanation, but it's not an excuse.