How to keep from getting angry and avoid conflict

[sweetums]

I have an adult BPD daughter that is constantly pointing out my faults and things I have done wrong. She is mostly in a bad mood, does no chores, does not work and is always asking for money. If I ask her a question like where are you going I am controlling. If she accuses me of something I did not do And I say  I did not do that she says I am gaslighting her. Calls me names when she is angry tell me what a terrible narcissistic person I am. She wants me to be available anytime she may need something from me and if I am not she gets mad and starts yelling at me. I know I enable her but I can't take the constant conflict and negativity. I need to know how to keep from getting so angry and yelling back at her when I know a lot of it is her anxiety and fear of rejection. She feels like such a failure and that no one likes her. I I am conscious of not adding to these feelings but at times She makes me so angry I do start to yell at her and am in a bad mood for the rest of the day. I have been working on setting limits real which also causes arguments but I am still working on it. My friends just tell me to kick her out but that is not an option right now.Any insight would be helpful. Thank You
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

I wonder if you getting angry and yelling back could be a sign that you're overextending yourself, or enabling instead of supporting?

I know when I feel resentful, it's often because I've chosen to do something that I didn't have to do, that someone else was responsible for -- or, I may have done it without directly requesting that the person do it, and then I still feel like "ugh, they should've known, they should've done it without me asking".

Checking in with what's behind the anger/blowups could be helpful information. It may be a sign that you're at your limit for engaging with her, and that it's time to prioritize taking care of you, until you're in a more balanced place with more resources.

Setting limits doesn't require a dialogue or agreement with her -- it's about you and what you can handle. Framing it as "I'm able to ______ (listen for the next 10 minutes, give you a grocery gift card, etc) and then I need to ______ (take a shower, drive to work, walk the dog, etc)" gives information without making it a negotiation.

Tolerating your own distress of her not liking your limits, will be your task. Having limits for yourself, and following through on them, is your responsibility, not hers -- and maybe it can model to her what it looks like to take responsibility for your needs.

Hard stuff for sure.

I have been working on setting limits real which also causes arguments but I am still working on it.

In what areas of your life do you have limits, or do you want to have effective limits/boundaries?

[CC43]

Hi Sweetums,

Kells makes an excellent point, that if you feel resentment, it could be a sign that you are over-functioning for your daughter and doing things for her that you think she should be doing for herself, but you do them anyway to avoid a meltdown. That could be teaching your daughter that acting out is actually working for her, and she’ll have little incentive to change.

One way to minimize your feelings of anger is to understand that many of the things your daughter accuses you of are in fact projections. She likely has a very negative attitude and thus sees negativity everywhere, especially with you. When she calls you narcissistic, in all likelihood she’s projecting her own narcissism onto you. My BPD stepdaughter was preoccupied with feeling like a child, and so she detected signs of condescension, put-downs and insults where there were none!  Once you understand this, your daughter’s insults and accusations might hurt a little less. Does she call you lazy, uncaring, self-centered, drama-creating, unfair, a failure or a liar?  She isn’t describing you, she’s describing herself. It’s just that she probably feels guilty and ashamed, and these feelings are too much for her, so she’s deflecting, or projecting, the feelings onto you. This is especially true when her recounting of grievances has little basis in reality.

To try to turn down the temperature of your confrontations, try to remember not to JADE—justify, argue, defend or explain. JADEing just adds fuel to the fire, because when your daughter is upset, her emotions take over, and her rational brain is turned off. She isn’t able to process what you say in a rational way.

All the best to you.

[Brit-mum]

The only thing that immediately diffused conflict in my experience with my adult daughter, was... letting her win whatever rant she was having, carefully. Probably sounds insane, I did it for the peace, but I got to the point several times where I was so exhausted by the verbal attacks that I had no energy to talk, and no spare brain capacity to remember all the practical positive boundary setting I should have been doing, so I just essentially agreed with her, reflected her words back, in a way that let her have the moment.

So, when she was yelling "you don't understand my life / me / this situation / you've completely ruined my life / neglected me" etc., I would just agree and say something like: "That must make you feel terrible. I'd like to understand so I can try and make sure you don't feel like this again." And then sit and listen without interrupting them for the next hour. Any interruption used to inflame her more.

It's probably the hardest thing to do when they make you so angry that your instinct is to fight back. And really, really difficult when someone is attacking you, calling you horrific names and looking like they want to kill you. But it worked, turned the volume down almost instantly. It's just really difficult to do, and, of course with BPD, they can't learn from it or remember that they should try a calmer approach next time. So for me, it was always temporary. But anything that stopped the screaming for me was worth it.

This is probably terrible advice by the way, I've only just found this forum and feel I now have access to understanding other things I could have done, it's just my experience. I do hope you find some peace.

[sweetums]

A lot of good information here. I try to set limits on what I am willing to do for her and how much of my time of mine she can have. She prefers to have me at her beck and call for instance if I do not respond to a text or answer a call she will start yelling at me. I am constantly being interrupted with request from her or having to deal with something that has gone wrong. I too do things just to cut off the drama and yelling which is something else I am working on. I finally went to counseling and after a few months my counselor canceled my appt because he was not getting paid and has had minimal communication since Oct. The first counselor I had said there was nothing else she could do after 2 visits and then this one left me hanging. I just don't have the energy to find another counselor right now. Starting not to trust them. Thank you everyone for the feed back.