Did I blow it again?

[DrmWeaver]

I have been at the point of feeling like I was ready to put true distance between my dd and myself. She's in her early 30s, lives with a partner several hours away. I felt that I needed to lay a few things to rest. Her last message was insisting I apologize for "neglecting" her and numerous other allegations that are untrue. Thinking I could set the record straight was probably my first mistake. I just wanted her to know that I love her.

After crafting a message for days and dodging cruel messages from her, I finally pulled the trigger. I braced for a horrible reply. Oddly enough, her reply was not as hateful as I expected. We actually seemed to be finding some common ground. But this is where I think "the twist" happens. The conversation involved me indulging her in specific apology wording. It led to her telling me that that an apology with "if" in it was NOT an apology. Maybe I'm old? Maybe the English language is jacked? But if I say "I am so sorry if I hurt your feelings" she says that wording implies I don't think I hurt her feelings and that I think the problem is all in her head.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[sweetums]

I think what she is looking for is for you to say I am sorry I hurt your feelings. To acknowledge that you indeed hurt her feelings. Whether you think you did to her you did.

[Sancho]

Hi DrmWeaver
It's the dilemma so many of us face. We get demands to apologize for things that we have not said or done often - because this is part of the need to transfer blame to someone else for the distress they suffer and the chaos of their lives.

It is part of BPD, and such a dilemma for those who love the person. It seems to crop up a lot in posts here, perhaps because acknowledging that one is totally to blame eases their pain?? I am not sure why it seems such an important thing to the BPD person.

I think the 'if' was a good way to acknowledge any way you may have contributed to DD"s problem - whether unknowingly or not. But your DD wants an acknowledgement that you are totally to blame.

So if you do, does this mean things would improve? Would DD stop abusing you?

It really is a dilemma for parents - and I don't know the answer. My DD just blames me - she doesn't ask for apologies.

On the one hand, I would be inclined to just apologize in the terms she wants because I know the BPD brain is so different and I can't expect rational dialogue over the matter.

On the other hand if I did I would be worried I was just feeding the fantasy and next week there would be another thing to apologise for. But would it matter if I just kept apologizing? It might not if my DD lived a fair way away. I might be able to get on with my own life better if I just keep apologizing??

As you can see I don't have an answer. But I do see it a lot on this forum so I am sure people have a range of views on it.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Indeed the victim mentality is likely a core part of your daughter’s identity. If she’s not the poor little abused girl who was relentlessly abused and wronged by her parents growing up, then who is she?  I doubt she’s looking for a confession or apology from you so that she can forgive you and move on. Rather, I bet she’s looking for you to confirm her victimhood to solidify her identification with it. Does that sound about right?  For as long as she sees you as an evil perpetrator of abuse, it will be hard to have a healthy relationship.

It’s hard to know what to do. I would advise against validating the invalid, as that might fuel her delusions. If she’s accusing you of all sorts of transgressions from her childhood, you could take it as a sign that she’s stressed out right now, and she’s trying to blame you for it. I think that’s a standard BPD coping mechanism.

[js friend]

Hi Drmweaver,

I think you are right to use the term "if I hurt you" because it acknowledges that there may have been some perceived hurt along the way and I think it covers more ground rather than I think if you  "Im sorry I hurt you" which could be interpreted as only one event. I also think it would open the floodgates and your dd would perhaps want you to be more specific, even berating you more if you left anything out.

Sometimes I think less is more and I believe your response was the correct one.