Extreme sadness. Grief for my sister and me.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My b-i-l of over 40 years has BPD. He has psychologically abused my sister and nephews their whole lives, and mostly isolated them from family and having any friends. Not long ago, my sis and I lost the remainder of our close family members, except her eldest son. Her youngest, with whom I was quite close, died by suicide several years back. Since our last parent's passing, the b-i-l has made the inheritance process a living hell for my sister and me. She is the executrix, but he considers himself a de-facto one. He hoped to cheat me out of part of my 50% inheritance. I had to pay lots of expensive attorney fees to protect myself. Sis also went out on a limb a couple times minimize that, receiving his wrath for doing so. He's more fully isolated her from me, and indulges in EXTREME demonization of me for no good reason. He clearly sees me as a threat. He monitors my sister's correspondences. She has to covertly contact me. We can never call each other, as he monitors her WhatsApp and phone history. Any time he learns of a correspondence, he goes into insane abusive tirades, further demeaning and "punishing" her. Yes, he tries to control everything she does.

So she and I grieve. We love each other so much. She and I have never ever had fights. He tries to turn her against me, but she's at least wise enough not to let him fully succeed. Yet she stays with him, always stayed with him, and will stay with him. There's nothing I can do. I long since stopped urging her to leave. She's always had a low self esteem and he's taken advantage of that. She'd be afraid to be alone. He tells her no one else would want her. He's cunning enough to keep her loving him, despite the abuse. Unlike her m-i-l who used to wish her husband (b-i-l's father) dead, my sister's nature is far sweeter not to think such a thing. My family also saw the abuse towards my nephews, but felt powerless. Our faults? The abuse was surely a factor in my nephew's death.

Yet how to deal with this grief and feeling of powerlessness? I have no direct contact with my b-i-l, and never plan any, but his abuse still reaches me, as well, by seeing it hurt my sister and depriving us of a proper sisterly relationship. I see his abuse as hurting her not just psychologically, but also physically, without him ever hitting. I fear it will kill her off prematurely.

No, the b-i-l won't get therapy! He accepts that he's felt depressed, but all the rest is/was to him, justified. Once my sister did take my youngest (not oldest) nephew to a shelter, during an especially horrible event, but she eventually went back after he repeatedly claimed to have changed, and stopped drinking. Well, he never changed and restarted drinking. He has since also managed to convince her that her momentary "escape" was a horrible action on her part and that she should be ashamed.

I live far away. She's not "permitted" to visit me. If she ever did, the punishment towards her would be great. I visited my native home many times in the past years, to see my now late father and late brother. When I visit, I'm not permitted to come to their house. Their house being a hoard (my b-i-l and eldest nephew) is also a factor. I can't afford to go back again just for one or two hour covert visits with her. I told her that she would be a full guest if she ever visited me. Again, that won't happen in the current situation. She and I cry.

[WishIwasNora]

My b-i-l of over 40 years has BPD. He has psychologically abused my sister and nephews their whole lives, and mostly isolated them from family and having any friends. Not long ago, my sis and I lost the remainder of our close family members, except her eldest son. Her youngest, with whom I was quite close, died by suicide several years back. Since our last parent's passing, the b-i-l has made the inheritance process a living hell for my sister and me. She is the executrix, but he considers himself a de-facto one. He hoped to cheat me out of part of my 50% inheritance. I had to pay lots of expensive attorney fees to protect myself. Sis also went out on a limb a couple times minimize that, receiving his wrath for doing so. He's more fully isolated her from me, and indulges in EXTREME demonization of me for no good reason. He clearly sees me as a threat. He monitors my sister's correspondences. She has to covertly contact me. We can never call each other, as he monitors her WhatsApp and phone history. Any time he learns of a correspondence, he goes into insane abusive tirades, further demeaning and "punishing" her. Yes, he tries to control everything she does.

So she and I grieve. We love each other so much. She and I have never ever had fights. He tries to turn her against me, but she's at least wise enough not to let him fully succeed. Yet she stays with him, always stayed with him, and will stay with him. There's nothing I can do. I long since stopped urging her to leave. She's always had a low self esteem and he's taken advantage of that. She'd be afraid to be alone. He tells her no one else would want her. He's cunning enough to keep her loving him, despite the abuse. Unlike her m-i-l who used to wish her husband (b-i-l's father) dead, my sister's nature is far sweeter not to think such a thing. My family also saw the abuse towards my nephews, but felt powerless. Our faults? The abuse was surely a factor in my nephew's death.

Yet how to deal with this grief and feeling of powerlessness? I have no direct contact with my b-i-l, and never plan any, but his abuse still reaches me, as well, by seeing it hurt my sister and depriving us of a proper sisterly relationship. I see his abuse as hurting her not just psychologically, but also physically, without him ever hitting. I fear it will kill her off prematurely.

No, the b-i-l won't get therapy! He accepts that he's felt depressed, but all the rest is/was to him, justified. Once my sister did take my youngest (not oldest) nephew to a shelter, during an especially horrible event, but she eventually went back after he repeatedly claimed to have changed, and stopped drinking. Well, he never changed and restarted drinking. He has since also managed to convince her that her momentary "escape" was a horrible action on her part and that she should be ashamed.

I live far away. She's not "permitted" to visit me. If she ever did, the punishment towards her would be great. I visited my native home many times in the past years, to see my now late father and late brother. When I visit, I'm not permitted to come to their house. Their house being a hoard (my b-i-l and eldest nephew) is also a factor. I can't afford to go back again just for one or two hour covert visits with her. I told her that she would be a full guest if she ever visited me. Again, that won't happen in the current situation. She and I cry.

[kells76]

Hello WishIwasNora and

40 years is quite a long time to be coping with BPD in the family system; I imagine you and your sister are exhausted with the disorder.

And, beyond the exhaustion, is the grief, like you mentioned. Grief and powerlessness are really difficult feelings to feel. My husband's kids' mom has many BPD traits, and I can relate to feeling so, so powerless in the situation, even though I'm not really in touch with her. Because, like you, I see the effect on the kids and other family members.

This seems like a wise choice on your part:

So she and I grieve. We love each other so much. She and I have never ever had fights. He tries to turn her against me, but she's at least wise enough not to let him fully succeed. Yet she stays with him, always stayed with him, and will stay with him. There's nothing I can do. I long since stopped urging her to leave.

Letting go of trying to change her and her situation (even though you may have urged her to leave out of your love for her) may help her feel like she can really rely on you to hear her and not judge her. Having one relationship in her life where she feels truly heard and not judged may be just what she needs right now, even though it may be difficult for you not to urge her to leave or make change.

Yet how to deal with this grief and feeling of powerlessness? I have no direct contact with my b-i-l, and never plan any, but his abuse still reaches me, as well, by seeing it hurt my sister and depriving us of a proper sisterly relationship.

The grief is real, even though your sister is alive. I wonder if you're grieving the loss of the relationship you wanted to have with her, and the life you wanted her to have. Those are real losses.

My therapist is suggesting I grieve what I have lost over the last >10 years: I've lost a peaceful family life and a normal start to my marriage, among other things.

Have you considered therapy or counseling for yourself, to process what you've been through, and to uncover and feel those feelings in a safe environment?

These are such hard family situations; we definitely understand and we'll be here for you.

kells76