Will I go through normal grief stages or will it generally like this?

[Grandmotherbear]

Missy G, I admire you for having had the strength to go no-contact with your uBPD mother for 18 years.  My main regret about my relationship with my uBPD "mother"
(egg donor) was that I ever got back in touch with her.  I was still hoping for some real mothering to occur on her part... .never happened. 

I was a Hospice nurse for 24 years and learned there ain't nuthin like a death in the family to bring out the pure plain ugly in people. Your response to your  mother's death is healthier and more dignified than a LOT of responses I saw from intact, supposedly "loving" families. Don't feel guilty about your response. I myself felt MASSIVE RELIEF when my egg donor died.

Heart and whole, thank you for stepping in. I confess I reported the  JCW post as soon as I read it, not even waiting to see what happened further into the thread. I had gotten too many similar responses IRL and felt we didn't need responses like that here.

Basenji, I LOVED your educational response to that poster. You get an A+ on your High School Debate Squad report card from me! You addressed the problems in a logical way without allowing emotions to fluster you. I thank you (I was certainly too flustered to respond to that person in that way)

MissyG, one thing I learned in Hospice work is that emotions are what they are. They are not good or bad, they are what they are. Now, ACTIONS may be good or bad. It seems to me that your actions, as you have related them, are NOT bad ones, so therefore they must be good actions, right? And I will suggest that your mother-loss emotions may be different from what you are experiencing now if you were still in a supportive relationship and not having problems with school and finances? The web here of interactions may make all your responses to all these problems be different from what you would have responded if there was only one negative event in your life.

please come back, and let us know how you are doing.

[Basenji]

I thank you

 

(I decided that there might be a time that I / others would need to respond to folk who "just don't get it" and might be very judgemental about why one behaves in a certain way (e.g. not go to funeral or have your mom too stay over) and that response would need to transcend the initial anger at their implied accusations or ignorance or lack of support. I can certainly predict at least some of the folk who I might need to "confront" when the time comes from my mother's (limited) circle of friends. Not bad people, necessarily, just not in the loop).

MissyG - I do hope you are travelling OK and staying strong!

[Turkish]

(I decided that there might be a time that I / others would need to respond to folk who "just don't get it" and might be very judgemental about why one behaves in a certain way (e.g. not go to funeral or have your mom too stay over) and that response would need to transcend the initial anger at their implied accusations or ignorance or lack of support.

I was still talking to my mother's former neighbor last spring.  I never knew that she thought I was a bad son for letting my mother lived as she did.  Many nights of hours long conversations,  with the neighbor crying (literally) about how my mom hurt her... .yet she still implored me to save her.  I turned out over to the authorities after I was accused of criminal elder abuse.  My little kids were accused of stealing from her.  Said the neighbor,  "but your mom adored her grandchildren!"

Even after giving a history young going back 30 years and explaining Splitting, the neighbor still didn't get it.  I dealt with a cop in the city I live in.  I was also called by a sheriff's deputy in the county my mom lives in.  Her accusations were investigated by Adult Protective Services, though the social worker told me that she understood that the accusations against D4 and then S6 were "of course ridiculous." I, however,  was checked out. I had/have enough drama with my uBPDx. Dealing with my dBPD  (and depression,  and OCD) mother almost brought me to my knees last year.  Few people "get" it.

MissyG, if my mom's neighbor didn't get it (and I'm sure a lot of stories have been told in that small rural community), being invalidated by those that don't understand is what it is,  unfortunately.  Take care of yourself and let the dead bury the dead.  

That being said, except for a phone call before Christmas, I've been NC since April. Despite my acceptance of the matter,  and despite a childhood I'd rather forget,  she's still my only mother,  and I still feel a little guilt as if I could or should do something differently.  That's neutral and ok.  Being ok with cutting ourselves off emotionally is why many of us are here.  

[Notwendy]

I am pretty sure that my mother's neighbors and friends wonder why her daughter isn't there with her more often, or why I have not moved her near me. She has actually told them she is moving near me in the near future, but has not made solid plans to do so. I have learned that reacting to this idea adds fuel to the drama triangle. Should she choose to move, she's actually free to make the decision to move anywhere she wants. She wouldn't consider my feelings about that anyway. But many times, she just says things to give an impression and doesn't follow through. I think it is probably an embarrassment to her that she isn't close to her children.

She's painted me black to her FOO. They see her frequently and she is great with them.

I have learned to not judge. There was an elderly woman in our community who we all used to visit. She was a wonderful lady ( to us). I did notice that over the years, I didn't see her children at all- they lived in another state. For a moment, I wondered if they were horrible children to neglect her- but I also knew better. If this woman was like my mother- she could be wonderful to everyone- and then be a completely different person to her children.

[MissyG]

Thanks again for all your kind words and attention! All is well! Going off the boards to 'real life' for the duration.

   Bye and best of luck with all of your journeys as well.

[MissyG]

Bit of a post-script : I feel confident that I made the right decision about not going to the funeral. I watched the livestreamed service where my fellow survivor siblings delivered speeches as though they were talking about an angel we never met. They bowed to the pressure to perform, and I pity them but I'm also glad (and proud) that I didn't take part. Hearing the pastor say the people had gathered to honor the sadness of the family members, a sadness I don't feel, also confirmed the rightness of my choice.

But I am glad I got to have a safe-for-me level of contact with the moment of ritual, which as I said in my earlier comments I find to be irreplaceable. I have also performed my own private rituals which have really given me a clearer view, lighter heart, and stronger resolve about how I want to live my life from now on.

So -thanks again, y'all. And again, best to you in your own journeys.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Bit of a post-script : I feel confident that I made the right decision about not going to the funeral. I watched the livestreamed service . . .

I am glad I got to have a safe-for-me level of contact with the moment of ritual, which as I said in my earlier comments I find to be irreplaceable. I have also performed my own private rituals which have really given me a clearer view, lighter heart, and stronger resolve about how I want to live my life from now on.  

Hi MissyG:  
I'm glad you stuck with what you felt was right for you and that it worked out.  

Best wishes in the days ahead, as you continue to process your grief and and move forward with a happy and healthy life.

[Basenji]

I feel confident that I made the right decision about not going to the funeral.

Thanks for letting us know that you made a great decision! Stay strong - be well - enjoy! 

[Fie]

How wonderful  :-)

I am sure this will be a good example to look back upon if you'd start doubting your own feelings / emotions about something in the future. Just think back than about how right this felt for you !

If in the future your grieving process should be a little bumpy, you know these boards will be waiting for you !

xx