My first meeting today

[Jester20]

So I started a support group today that is there to specifically help people who live with someone who is BPD. I was nervous. I was made even more nervous by the fact that one of my colleagues walked in and it was her first time there too! Although she doesn't work in my department anymore it was still VERY hard to face someone from a work environment and I wondered whether I would be able to interact at all! 

There was 3 of us there that had SO's with BPD and the rest were all parents of children with BPD. There was 25 of us all together. I was rather shocked by how many were parents of grown adults with... .and some of these people were not young! 1 lady looked like she was in her 70's!

Everyone in the group has the opportunity to talk and the rest of the group can offer advice for practical things, alternatives for next time something happens, how other people dealt with a certain thing. I was quite terrified to begin with as 1 lady said her son is in prison in solitary confinement and will not be elegible for parole for another 30 years and 1 lady said her daughter was in a psych hospital waiting to be transferred to broadmoor!

A lot of other people there was talking about their grown child's reluctance to get help through the intensive therapy that is offered on the NHS... .although it is a sought after intensive 3 years commitment it does come with a Waiting list... .my husband was referred in 2013 after attempting and the whole psyche evaluation took 1 year before they referred him on to this place then he had to undertake another year of assessments with them and then go on a waiting list... .he eventually started properly about 7 months ago!

It felt strange being there because Only my and 1 others SO are getting this therapy... .I felt really sad for all the other people who have and still are struggling daily with loved ones who will not get help.

I talked a bit... .just gave a bit of background about my situation... .I didn't want to cry on my first visit so tried to keep it light. People reinforced that none of this was my fault.

At the end a lady came up to me and said at first she felt so sad for me and then she said it quickly changed to jealousy! I was bewildered at why someone would be jealous! She said yo me... ." you don't have to stay, you can leave"
I guess there is a very big difference between being a SO and a parent!
She said I must be very strong and did I still love him? Why did I stay?

I met her curiosity with apprehension. I felt confused and didn't know what I was meant to think... .had
Have I been foolish to stay? Do I still love my husband? Should I have left?
I don't know... .
I can only think that this poor lady is very desperate and wishing for. A way out herself knowing she is trapped to a lifetime of devastation. Perhaps she thinks if this was anyone but my daughter I'd be gone like a shot.
I will try not and take her comments personally. All I saw was pain in that room. It was a very hard 2 hours and I left with a migraine.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry that your first meeting didn't go so well. I agree that taking her comment personally probably won't do good for you. She doesn't understand BPD from a relationship perspective. Chances are she just feels very trapped and unsure what to do. She may wish on a daily basis that she could just leave her pwBPD.

This is a great opportunity for you to share some of what you've learned here on this board: the support, the lessons, things you've learned, etc. You might even let them know there is a community here for people with children with BPD. Don't let your old co-worker scare you off. Remember, she is going through the same things as you and maybe having a face she knows can help build a new friendship. Good for you finding a face to face meeting. I wish there was something like that where I live.