Still trying to understand

[What Changed]

Just a little background, I have 3 kids (now adults) now son-23 who has BPD, daughter-25, daughter-29.  They did grow up in a broken family in which their father and I divorced due to adultery and narcissistic per disorder on his end.  When we first separated before divorce, my son was about 8 years old, daughter 10, and daughter - 14.  My two younger ones visited their dad every other weekend and my older daughter chose not to visit, in which she was dealing with a lot of anger and hurt due to her dad putting her on the back burner when a new woman came into his life.  She was also at an age where she started picking up on things on her own and realizing what was going on.  We did try to keep it quiet for a very long time, but with her age, she was realizing a lot more.  She felt like he just left her to no existence for many years to follow.  My other daughter always tried to see the good in her father and just really wanted his attention and the father she "expected," but was let down repeatedly through the years to follow.  My son, felt unimportant to his father realizing he and his sister seemed to have to become whoever he would become depending on who he was. My son and my oldest daughter also went through some other traumatic situations in life, as well.  My son is a psychology major with multiple additional certifications along with 4 years practical experience in the mental health field.  Almost one year ago he got involved in a very toxic relationship with another male in which he actually worked for.  My son seemed to seek mostly older men which may be due to the father figure need.  I did remarry when my son was 11 years old therefore, he has had a step father along with a very involved uncle as far as men figures.  Due to the toxic relationship which occurred about a year ago, my son became very depressed and starting taking his prescription anxiety/depression meds to the point of not being able wake up.  He went to counseling, etc. for this. He ended up getting involved in some very horific things to honestly make him feel degraded and also started "burning" himself.  During all of this, he did not live at home.  He has always been one to call almost every day to chat and when he didn't I knew there was something wrong.  The very last time this happened, he agreed to come back home and he voluntarily admitted himself to a behavioral center in which they diagnosed him with major depression disorder and loaded him up with prescriptions.  He did not do well for long on the medications and then started reading into his bible again after many years and also was brought down to one adhd med and one for anxiety per day.  We saw a huge difference in him, it was such a blessing.  This was all occurring for a couple of months (he was also going through bankruptcy too) - but he was feeling better, said he needed to get back in the word (in July, we almost lost him to cardiac arrest due to taking a delta gummy in addition to his other meds) - he came out of the hospital after with this renewed purpose and feeling to change his life and go back to God since he had yelled out to him when he felt like he was dying and realized afterwards that he really does have a purpose and God has a plan for him.  All was going so much better, then....sometime around September, he started distancing himself from everyone, including his sisters, i which they had gotten really close.  He started a new job though in which he does very well with and does fine throughout the day.  But, outside of work, he has almost completely distanced himself from all family except for me which he has honestly distanced himself from me, as well, with no talking anymore, etc.  He is saying that he has BPD, but the dr. will not diagnose him.  He has been a "self diagnoser" and it seems in the last couple of months, he is getting worse and becoming the "symptoms," if that makes sense.  He stopped taking any meds he was taking because he said medications will never be able to help him, yet he is hoping to try Stravato in addition to his DBT therapy sessions (which he struggles following through with at home).  I do not mean to sound awful by wondering this, but I question if he really does have BPD and I although I understand that any trauma and hurt he has gone through is completely valid and each person's trauma is valid no matter what. But, I can't help to question if he really does have BPD and if so, would it have come from feeling somewhat "neglected" by his father and /or not as important when he was younger?  It just seems my oldest daughter experienced a lot more trauma in even more ways then just her father and my other daughter has always just been a free spirited one that is just "all is well," regardless.  So now that my son is to this point of DPD, he will no longer come out of his room after work, will not talk to his sisters (whom he was getting close to again after he moved back home in June) and refuses to take part in any yearly family events coming up.  I know I need to let him be, but geez, it just makes me so mad inside sometimes because with him digging and researching into every detail of BPD, in a way I think he has created this within him in the way of "becoming the symptoms," if that makes sense.  He has said he has answered all of the questions on an assessment which is why he has BPD and at first, he actually didn't act like it, but the more he researches it, the more he is changing and becoming this person who I have never seen or imagined.  He was extremely empathetic, focused, goal oriented, funny and caring, but it's all seemed to change to the opposite just within the last few months and I honestly don't know what changed in the last few months for him to be triggered.  I know BPD can come about later in age and maybe that is what has happened, but again, I feel awful for saying this and please do not take any offense, but I am trying to understand why he ended up with this and not one of my other kids or me even so because I had an extremely traumatic childhood/teen years and then married to a true narcisstic.   My girls and myself have been on anxiety meds most of lives and they are ADD and I am severely ADHD.  My son was also being treated for ADD and anxiety and there was a positive difference, but as I said, all of the sudden something just changed like overnight it seemed and a flip switched and it has not come back on yet.  He loves his job and works in a quiet setting in which he is very introverted and honestly has one of the rarest personality types as far as myers briggs, which I'm sure doesn't help much either.  I apologize for this very long message, but if anyone has any type of advice, feedback, please do let me know.  It may be that I really just need to continue learning more about BPD and "believe" that is what he has.  His counselor does not believe he had it and his psychiatrist will not give him any medication that is normally prescribed to help with it at least not right now anyways, but he does attend DBT therapy twice per week, but again doesn't follow-through with what he is supposed to when he is at home.  His sisters and other family continue to ask if he is mad at them - and honestly I just recently told his sisters to reach out and ask him theirselves.  He has told me he isn't mad at them, but that maybe they should try to understand what it is that he has and he is dealing with, which they honestly don't understand what happened in such a short period of time either.  Thank you all for letting me vent on here and I do apologize this is so long.  I am extremely grateful that I came across this site though because I truly feel lost and can't seem to get any support or clarification even by his providers.  Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[What Changed]

I apologize for the length of this - this is my first post with a alot of info.
Just a little background, I have 3 kids (now adults) now son-23 who has BPD, daughter-25, daughter-29.  They did grow up in a broken family in which their father and I divorced due to adultery and narcissistic per disorder on his end.  When we first separated before divorce, my son was about 8 years old, daughter 10, and daughter - 14.  My two younger ones visited their dad every other weekend and my older daughter chose not to visit, in which she was dealing with a lot of anger and hurt due to her dad putting her on the back burner when a new woman came into his life.  She was also at an age where she started picking up on things on her own and realizing what was going on.  We did try to keep it quiet for a very long time, but with her age, she was realizing a lot more.  She felt like he just left her to no existence for many years to follow.  My other daughter always tried to see the good in her father and just really wanted his attention and the father she "expected," but was let down repeatedly through the years to follow.  My son, felt unimportant to his father realizing he and his sister seemed to have to become whoever he would become depending on who he was. My son and my oldest daughter also went through some other traumatic situations in life, as well.  My son is a psychology major with multiple additional certifications along with 4 years practical experience in the mental health field.  Almost one year ago he got involved in a very toxic relationship with another male in which he actually worked for.  My son seemed to seek mostly older men which may be due to the father figure need.  I did remarry when my son was 11 years old therefore, he has had a step father along with a very involved uncle as far as men figures.  Due to the toxic relationship which occurred about a year ago, my son became very depressed and starting taking his prescription anxiety/depression meds to the point of not being able wake up.  He went to counseling, etc. for this. He ended up getting involved in some very horific things to honestly make him feel degraded and also started "burning" himself.  During all of this, he did not live at home.  He has always been one to call almost every day to chat and when he didn't I knew there was something wrong.  The very last time this happened, he agreed to come back home and he voluntarily admitted himself to a behavioral center in which they diagnosed him with major depression disorder and loaded him up with prescriptions.  He did not do well for long on the medications and then started reading into his bible again after many years and also was brought down to one adhd med and one for anxiety per day.  We saw a huge difference in him, it was such a blessing.  This was all occurring for a couple of months (he was also going through bankruptcy too) - but he was feeling better, said he needed to get back in the word (in July, we almost lost him to cardiac arrest due to taking a delta gummy in addition to his other meds) - he came out of the hospital after with this renewed purpose and feeling to change his life and go back to God since he had yelled out to him when he felt like he was dying and realized afterwards that he really does have a purpose and God has a plan for him.  All was going so much better, then....sometime around September, he started distancing himself from everyone, including his sisters, i which they had gotten really close.  He started a new job though in which he does very well with and does fine throughout the day.  But, outside of work, he has almost completely distanced himself from all family except for me which he has honestly distanced himself from me, as well, with no talking anymore, etc.  He is saying that he has BPD, but the dr. will not diagnose him.  He has been a "self diagnoser" and it seems in the last couple of months, he is getting worse and becoming the "symptoms," if that makes sense.  He stopped taking any meds he was taking because he said medications will never be able to help him, yet he is hoping to try Stravato in addition to his DBT therapy sessions (which he struggles following through with at home).  I do not mean to sound awful by wondering this, but I question if he really does have BPD and I although I understand that any trauma and hurt he has gone through is completely valid and each person's trauma is valid no matter what. But, I can't help to question if he really does have BPD and if so, would it have come from feeling somewhat "neglected" by his father and /or not as important when he was younger?  It just seems my oldest daughter experienced a lot more trauma in even more ways then just her father and my other daughter has always just been a free spirited one that is just "all is well," regardless.  So now that my son is to this point of DPD, he will no longer come out of his room after work, will not talk to his sisters (whom he was getting close to again after he moved back home in June) and refuses to take part in any yearly family events coming up.  I know I need to let him be, but geez, it just makes me so mad inside sometimes because with him digging and researching into every detail of BPD, in a way I think he has created this within him in the way of "becoming the symptoms," if that makes sense.  He has said he has answered all of the questions on an assessment which is why he has BPD and at first, he actually didn't act like it, but the more he researches it, the more he is changing and becoming this person who I have never seen or imagined.  He was extremely empathetic, focused, goal oriented, funny and caring, but it's all seemed to change to the opposite just within the last few months and I honestly don't know what changed in the last few months for him to be triggered.  I know BPD can come about later in age and maybe that is what has happened, but again, I feel awful for saying this and please do not take any offense, but I am trying to understand why he ended up with this and not one of my other kids or me even so because I had an extremely traumatic childhood/teen years and then married to a true narcisstic.   My girls and myself have been on anxiety meds most of lives and they are ADD and I am severely ADHD.  My son was also being treated for ADD and anxiety and there was a positive difference, but as I said, all of the sudden something just changed like overnight it seemed and a flip switched and it has not come back on yet.  He loves his job and works in a quiet setting in which he is very introverted and honestly has one of the rarest personality types as far as myers briggs, which I'm sure doesn't help much either.  I apologize for this very long message, but if anyone has any type of advice, feedback, please do let me know.  It may be that I really just need to continue learning more about BPD and "believe" that is what he has.  His counselor does not believe he had it and his psychiatrist will not give him any medication that is normally prescribed to help with it at least not right now anyways, but he does attend DBT therapy twice per week, but again doesn't follow-through with what he is supposed to when he is at home.  His sisters and other family continue to ask if he is mad at them - and honestly I just recently told his sisters to reach out and ask him theirselves.  He has told me he isn't mad at them, but that maybe they should try to understand what it is that he has and he is dealing with, which they honestly don't understand what happened in such a short period of time either.  Thank you all for letting me vent on here and I do apologize this is so long.  I am extremely grateful that I came across this site though because I truly feel lost and can't seem to get any support or clarification even by his providers.  Thanks

[Sancho]

Hi What Changed
It is certainly a complex situation for you, your family and your son. From the information you have given I tend to agree with your son’s counsellor ie that DS doesn’t seem to have BPD. Isolating, in my experience, is more associated with severe depression.

There isn’t a specific medication for BPD and perhaps the psychiatrist is waiting to get to the core issue before prescribing.

It seems your son has diagnosed BPD himself and is attending DBT sessions – which is excellent – if he has BPD.

You mention that your son ‘got involved in a very toxic relationship with another male’ and that he seems to seek out older men. I am not sure, but I am taking this to mean that your son is gay?

If this is so I am wondering if your son is struggling with his sexual orientation as a core issue. I have known young men who are deeply conflicted regarding their sexuality, in particular if they also have a belief system that doesn’t accept difference in sexual orientation. The tension in the individual can be truly awful because it is not something that they can easily express to others, particularly if they are close to them.

It would make sense that DS just closes off in his room after work if he is depressed and finds it difficult to engage with others close to him. The fact that he is wanting to try spravato is also interesting as this does treat major depression.

All my comments above might be right off track – and if so I do apologise. But I think there are two things that seem clear to me: the first is that there doesn’t seem to be evidence of BPD from what you have said and second is that DS is experiencing significant inner turmoil.

I hope you are able to post again to let us know how things are. The positive thing is that DS is very knowledgeable about these things, he is engaged with a counsellor and a psychiatrist and he is able to keep up his work commitment.

Your love and support will hopefully enable him to work through the issues that he is facing at this moment in time.