Family destroyed after a mother diagnosys

[sdla.br]

I grew up with depressive mother. After a very troubled childhood, she had me at the age of 16 and suffered a lot because of that. Even with clear signs of depressional she was functional and a very good mom. But everything changed when she got pregnant again. Same father, but 22 years later, with TWINS. Since then, I’ve never seen my mom again. At least, not THAT mom I knew.

When the kids were born, everything collapsed. She was always very tired, sleeping while talking and eating, leaving rests of food everywhere and didn’t accepted help from baby sitters because of lack of trust. My father also didn’t help as much as he did when I was a kid because he as going through some trouble as well, the house was always a mess, and the bonus:  I discovered both of them were addicted to alcohol and cocaine. And that got worse when I left their house.
Years and years of me parenting my parents and my siblings, whilst studying med school full time, building a relationship with the guy who is kwon my faience, hiding the addiction from the other relatives (because she always said she would kill herself if anyone else knew) and trying lots of treatments…  She were diagnosed with BPD and every single day got harder and harder since then.

Last Christmas we had no choice, she entered a state of classic mania, with psychosis and aggression, and we had to admit her in a clinic. By that time, my father also admitted himself in another clinic so that he would be prepared and clean for when she got out. I so proud of him. Since then, he is clean and a very better person, 11 months now. But my mom….

Now she is diagnosed with borderline personality + bipolar humor and addiction disorder. She spent the last year trying to adjust the medication, and tried sooo many… but she is never stable anymore. She even checked herself in a clinic again last month because she relapsed everything. But 4 days after the discharge, she was drinking again with humor oscilations. And I can’t see any hope for her anymore… When she is in her best state of mind, still isn’t good!

I’m writing here because I never knew anyone in a similar situation before. I am a grown woman, taken care by good health care professionals, and was already very responsible when all of that started to get ugly. But my concern is with those poor kids… My siblings are now 5, and they are the people I love the most in this world! I try to be very present and show the best example for them but breaks my heart so much to see how she treats them, and to think that they will never have a protection that a mother is supposed to give. I’m so scared they will suffer from serious psychological issues in the future…

[Notwendy]

I think you will find you are not the only one dealing with a mother with BPD and possibly other diagnoses as well. In my own experience, the family was "destroyed" long before my BPD mother was ever diagnosed and even now, it's not something she went to see someone about. Growing up, our role was to hide her dysfunction. It is only in her elder years when she's needed assistance that other people became aware of her disorder. We- her family, were aware that something was going on even if there wasn't a definite diagnosis.

I will commend you for being as resilient as you are and for your accomplishments. I agree with your concern for your siblings. They are so much younger than you.

What is your situation and theirs? In my family, while no other family members took custody of us, my BPD mother was OK with us going to stay with my father's family during school breaks. This gave us a time with a loving and stable family and it was very helpful. You will be busy working as a physician but if possible, could you have your siblings stay with you some times? As they get older, they may be able to attend summer activities or camps during the day, you could even get a sitter for them while you work if necessary, or if your fiance is willing to spend time with them. You need to take care of yourself and your family first, but any time - even a weekend- with your siblings is positive time with them.

[zachira]

Do not underestimate how much quality time with the right people can help your siblings. I grew up with a mother with BPD. There were a few key people who I did not necessarily spend a lot of time with who let me know they valued me as a person. There were mothers I did not see often who obviously disapproved of how my mother treated her children who were very kind to me. Any time you can arrange to spend with your siblings or arrange for them to be with the right kind of people will be valuable for your siblings present and long term well being. My siblings and I always had a lot of babysitters, many who knew how to treat children. My mother was not capable of spending mothering time with her children. She got upset when we cried. I was left in the crib most of the day as a baby as she could not tolerate a baby's emotions even a happy baby. We mostly were on our own when mom was in charge of us, like playing outside for hours on end with no contact with her or at the homes of the children in the neighborhood. Encouraging in any ways you can that your siblings get more care from the right kind of people, will likely be a relief for your mother while benefitting your siblings as well.