What's going on?

[WhatAndWhy]

I've been with my fiancé for about 3 years. She has Quiet BPD & ADHD.
I'm trying to be patient and understanding. I've read & watched a lot of stuff about it but feel very alone & confused. My friends just say to leave her and others can't understand what her condition means.

Things seem to be going really well with us and then, out of the blue, she becomes distant, angry, argumentative, says she doesn't love me and everything she previously said that's positive is a lie to make me feel better or try to convince herself. She avoids me, blanks me and sometimes ends the relationship. Then a couple weeks later she reaches out saying that everything bad she said wasn't true and she does love me.

Which one is correct? Which feeling is more real? She doesn't seem to know (it's whichever she is in the moment).
How should I respond? Try to reason with her? Back off and ignore her?

I occasionally struggle with the pressures of life and, at my point of need, she seems to become even more her-focused. Will she ever be able to empathize with me and be there for me when I need her?
She says she wants to change and it's really hard for her. I find it so painful and confusing.
Any words of help or wisdom please?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WhatAndWhy]

This is my first attempt to reach out to others who might have experience and talk about it.
It feels as if I'm the only one and I keep messing up. I think I'll see it coming and handle it better but it always ambushes me.

[Miclulo0522]

Hello,

First of all, just know that you are not alone. I can relate to much of what you are saying. My husband was newly diagnosed so I wish I could give you some more insight. I do know exactly how you feel though. He has quiet BPD also which has been hard to go back and think of the 20 years we've been together and he's probably been struggling with this for a very long time.

We are separated at the moment which is difficult in itself. I am glad to find this group and read some of the stories. There are so many that don't understand the disorder and it really hurts because they are human too. I only want to learn how to best support him and not feel like I am the enemy to him.

Hopefully, someone will comment on here for you.

[314rabbit]

Hey there,

My spouse and I have been together 4 years, and my spouse is recently diagnosed. We started getting somewhere when I started reading books about BPD and adjusting my behavior to be more aligned with what works for BPDs. Doesn't mean that I changed me, or what I need. It just made it so when I talk to my spouse, I speak their language in order to work together. Your fiancee has a serious illness that needs treatment and care. I consider myself my spouse's "care manager" because there are lots of things that they just cannot do for themself.

Find some books, spend some time here, and find a NAMI/NEABPD/etc class to take on how to support someone with BPD or another serious mental illness. Doing this work has paid dividends for my family in a very short period of time. They'll teach you how to keep your peace and stay sane in the face of insanity.

Best wishes

[ForeverDad]

I've been with my fiancé for about 3 years. She has Quiet BPD & ADHD.
I'm trying to be patient and understanding. I've read & watched a lot of stuff about it but feel very alone & confused. My friends just say to leave her and others can't understand what her condition means.

Three years and this push-pull off-on pattern persists?  One phrase sometimes mentioned is, Past history is a glimpse of future history.  Ponder that.  In other words, three years with you and her behavior hasn't improved or recovered.

What does her therapist say?  Have you been invited to sit in on a session?  Or does she even have a therapist?

One aspect of people with BPD traits (pwBPD) is that it impacts most the closest of relationships.  Others in peripheral contact may notice something 'off' but not much more.  Why haven't you been able to make headway in the relationship?  It may be that there's too much emotional baggage of the relationship for what you say to get past it.  Instead, an emotionally neutral person such as a therapist might make progress, but even that is not a sure thing.

Have you heard of BPD FOG?
F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

I'll speak now of the Obligation aspect and how that affects a relationship.  Thus far you have only an expectation of marriage.  Can you see that if you get married then you will have entered into a more obligated relationship?  Going one step further, can you see that having children with her makes you even more obligated to the relationship?

Very likely the deeper you would go into the relationship - without her benefiting from meaningful counseling or therapy - the more you will see such concerning behavior.  There is a reason this is called disordered thinking, it is dysfunctional to at least some extent.

[once removed]

Things seem to be going really well with us and then, out of the blue, she becomes distant, angry, argumentative, says she doesn't love me and everything she previously said that's positive is a lie to make me feel better or try to convince herself. She avoids me, blanks me and sometimes ends the relationship. Then a couple weeks later she reaches out saying that everything bad she said wasn't true and she does love me.

i tend to believe that when someone tells you who they are (or how they feel), believe them.

it sounds like youre hearing two different things. more than likely? theyre both true.

you love someone with special needs, and are trying to enter into what woud be considered a "special needs" relationship.

necessarily, you love a difficult, and confused person. the key to loving them is, by and large, not getting into that emotional confusion with them.

i suspect shes trying to communicate to you, real fears of hers, and also exaggerated fears of hers.

neither is more real than the other. when youre the best person in the world? its real to her. when youre the worst person in the world? its real to her. this is, in effect, the skills deficit between someone with bpd, and, ostensibly, us. you have to gain a sense of groundedness that doesnt depend on how she sees or portrays you, because its subject to change.

How should I respond?

when someone tells us they have a problem, theres a tendency to want to fix it. especially if it involves us. what if you just listened, and made her feel heard?