Sister became verbally abusive because she believed I patronised her

[Nadia47]

Hello, I have never posted in a forum like this before, so here goes. My sister and I have long had a troubled relationship. She is extremely jealous and holds on to a belief that I was favoured by our mother and that life has always been easier for me. She periodically will become very triggered and start swearing about me - either to me directly, or to other people- including her own children (who are 10 and 12).  Most recently I had arranged a family gathering and she came early to help set up.  As we were chatting and she was telling me about the kids I offered what I genuinely believed was a compliment, saying that she was being such a great mum (she is a single parent and really does invest in taking the kids out and does a lot of fun things with them).  She took this to mean that I was patronising her and, in front of my child, started swearing about how f**king patronising I am etc.  I was gobsmacked and really hurt because my intention was only to offer her a compliment.  In no way did I intend to patronise her.  I feel she has twisted things and villainised me - which is hurtful when I am always trying to be supportive and kind. She is highly explosive and angers easily - and it is often directed at me.  I do feel like I am on eggshells, never quite knowing what will set her off. I also don’t want my child to see and hear the foul language and think it is okay to speak to me (or anyone) like this. I have been limiting my contact, but with Christmas a few days away we are going to spend time together and I am dreading it.  Any tips?

[CC43]

Hi Nadia,

My BPD stepdaughter has said exactly the same thing before, and like your sister, she took offense when nothing offensive was even said. Her reaction is really projection of her feelings of inferiority. When she’s stressed out—and holidays are a stressful time—she is primed to detect insults and slights, even where there are none. She’s preoccupied with her supposed inferiority, and everything she perceives is colored by this negative way of thinking.

Look, if your sister hasn’t had therapy, she could be suffering from a very negative thinking loop. Since she’s unhappy, seeing other people be joyful during the holidays can trigger her. She might lash out to release some of this negativity, and try to blame you and/or hurt you in the process. If that happens, try not to JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because her emotions are too intense and prevent her from thinking rationally or giving anyone the benefit of the doubt. She likely needs a time out, to calm down. You could calmly excuse yourself from the situation (« I need to take the dog out ») to give her that time out.

[Nadia47]

Thanks so much CC43.  Yes I think you are spot on - she does seem to project and infer meaning inaccurately.  I basically did not respond when she lashed out - just went pretty quiet and carried on.  But then I wonder if I am sending a message that it is okay to talk to me like this and I will just accept it?  Five minutes later she acts as if nothing has happened and asks me why I am being so quiet!  Much later when I said she suggested that I am deliberately putting her down, which was not my intent at all, she said that she was simply setting boundaries with me!! She has done some DBT in the past but is not currently seeing anyone.  She is quite vitriolic about me to others and I find it so upsetting.  I have not heard of JADE before, but it makes sense.  I am seeing her later today and am dreading it because she is so erratic I never know what to expect or how she will be / react.  I am almost scared of her at times- and because I recently was pretty honest and said I need her to stop badmouthing me, I know she will be carrying a lot of anger. She will keep a lid on it - until she can’t.  My plan is to spend time with the kids and then leave early!  Is your stepdaughter an adult?  My sister was worse when she was younger - she has improved with age.

[CC43]

Hi there Nadia,

Yes, my stepdaughter is an adult.  I'd say she was at her worst in her early 20s.  She's in her mid-20s now and seems to be a notch less volatile.  The frequency, intensity and duration of her outbursts and moodiness have diminished, but she's still very sensitive.  I'd say that though she's very sensitive, she's not unstable, and she's coping much better with daily stresses now.  Whereas before she had delusions and paranoia, she doesn't today, at least from what I see.  She's much more engaged with daily life, and she's spending more time looking forward, rather than ruminating incessantly about upsetting past events.  She has friends again, and she's in a stable living situation.  She's close to graduating from college now.  Fingers crossed.

Experts say that BPD symptoms can get better in the 30s, especially with treatment.  The psychiatric literature that I've seen says that with therapy, people with BPD can learn to control their emotions and behavior enough that they wouldn't qualify for the BPD diagnosis anymore.  In the case of my stepdaughter, she attempted suicide several times, but now she doesn't seem suicidal, which is a huge turnaround.