How to get over the cruel treatment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Can anyone helpme getting over my bpd marriage? I keep on ruminating about how someone can love you one day and be cruel to you the next, get back to you as loving as ever and then cheat on you. Someone with the same experience: how to stop trying to understand why someone would do this to you?

[Regginella]

Can anyone helpme getting over my bpd marriage? I keep on ruminating about how someone can love you one day and be cruel to you the next, get back to you as loving as ever and then cheat on you. Someone with the same experience: how to stop trying to understand why someone would do this to you?

[kells76]

Hi Regginella and

I'm guessing you've been through so much that's familiar to other members here; you mention a BPD ex-partner, push-pull behaviors, cruelty, unpredictability, and cheating. That's a lot for anyone to experience; we get it.

How long were the two of you together? Any kids? And was the end of the marriage a mutual decision?

...

how to stop trying to understand why someone would do this to you?

There might be two parts to your question --

how to stop trying to understand

and

why someone would do that to you.

The first part, to me, sounds like a grieving process question. Despite the really hurtful things you experienced, the end of your marriage is still something to grieve in some way (whether it's grieving the loss of what you'd hoped for, or something else).

How long ago did your marriage end? It can be common for the grieving process to be non-linear, and for unwanted ruminations to reappear periodically.

The second part (about why someone would do that to you) sounds like question of BPD dynamics.

pwBPD (persons with BPD) can be incredibly focused on, and often overwhelmed by, their own extreme feelings. pwBPD experience extreme sensitivity, extreme reactivity, and a long return to an emotional baseline. Those three factors combined mean that many pwBPD will do almost anything to feel less bad inside -- even extending to doing and saying things that hurt their loved ones... if it gives them a moment of feeling better.

Untreated BPD can really harm relationships, especially close relationships.

Was your former spouse in any kind of treatment?

Looking forward to hearing more of your story;

kells76

[seekingtheway]

Hi Reginella,

Welcome to the board. I can imagine there's a lot of processing going on if you've just exited a marriage with someone who suffers from BPD. I'm sorry it's so painful for you.

I very much identify with getting stuck on that part of the experience where you were treated with cruelty. It can become a thought process that you go round and round on, sometimes having breakthroughs and moments of clarity, and thinking that will help you to let go, only to find yourself sinking back into the same patterns of rumination. I'm not sure how intense the rumination has been for you, but much of this is just the natural process of grief, and just not quite being ready to let go, but in some cases it can go be PTSD-type symptoms manifesting themselves.

I think, logically, it's fairly easy to understand that someone (with BPD or without) would lash out and say something they don't mean, because they are dysregulated and not in control of their emotions in that moment. But it's hard to understand why responsibility isn't taken for that behaviour afterwards, and why efforts aren't made to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

It's very hard to understand why someone would go back and do the same behaviour again and again, knowing that it will cause pain to someone they say they love. That part isn't quite as logical or easy to process, partly because it's not the way your brain operates, but also because some of the actions do cause some genuinely deep wounds that you need to attend to. The wounds can include a loss of self-esteem, confidence and sense of worth, and your ability to trust in others And I think this is where we need to focus our thoughts at some point in the healing journey - to try and build that self-esteem up again, bit by bit.

I think when our confidence begins to increase again, we are able to stand on ground that feels more solid, and begin to see the situation with more clarity and belief in ourselves – at that point, some of the hurt and pain will melt away. Someone else's hurtful/abusive or dysfunctional behaviour is never about us and our worth. But in the messy aftermath of cruel behaviour, it feels like it is.

I do have some thoughts on how to let go of this pain eventually – I think getting our thoughts organised in a logical way with the help of a professional can help, but I also think we need to eventually remove it from our bodies somatically. Your body needs to feel safe in order to let it go, so even just focusing on doing a few simple things that help you to feel grounded and safe in your body in the short term could help. Walk with your feet on the earth, get out into nature, nourish yourself with good food, and just treat yourself as well as possible.

Would you feel comfortable telling us a few more details of what happened within your relationship?