Seeing Sibling for First Time in a Year

[SWG]

I'm seeing my sibling for the first time in a year next week and I'm trying to decide whether to give them a card addressing our estrangement or to pretend that nothing is wrong and not rock the boat.

Background: My sibling has BPD and we have been estranged for a year and a half. We were really close for 20+ years, then they started to pull away. I tried to respect that and gave them space for a few years, then we tried to do therapy together to try to repair the relationship, but I think in retrospect that we had different goals. Two summers ago at a family gathering, I did something that upset them. I didn't realize at the time that they were upset, I read them as being minorly annoyed. Rather than let me know that they were really upset and give me a chance to apologize/contextualize/repair, they waited a month and then told me not to contact them anymore. Despite being heartbroken, I haven't contacted them and have only seen them twice briefly in the that time, at Thanksgiving and Christmas last year. (They didn't attend Thanksgiving this year). At Thanksgiving last year I apologized and told them that I didn't understand, but didn't get much of a response. They have also limited contact with our parents over the past few months. (Just to be clear there is no abusive situation, my parents have always been kind and done their best to accommodate my sibling's needs).

I'm now torn about whether to give them a card with a short message when I see them later this week at a family gathering as a last attempt to try to engage, or to just pretend that all is fine and not rock the boat. It feels more true to myself to try to address the issue and pretending that nothing is wrong is very hard and stressful for me, but I'm worried that they will get upset and tell me that I'm not respecting their boundaries, even though my understanding is that communicating in a family setting is ok. I also know that they might not read the card or might not respond to what I've written or might say very little. At this point, I'm not really interested in having a relationship with my sibling, I just want to be able to see them in a family setting without feeling like panicking. Below is what I am thinking I would write, I've tried to be as concise and neutral in my wording as possible:

Dear X,
I miss you. I have been respecting your boundary to not contact you for a year and a half now.
Can you tell me what it is you are upset with me about and what it is that you expect from me going forwards? It is very stressful for me to interact while pretending that nothing is wrong. I hope you are doing well.
Love, Y

Do you think I should give them the card?

[Notwendy]

From my own experience (BPD mother) I would not give them a card. I would be cordial and not address any issues during this short period of time. Family gatherings tend to be stressful times. Personally, my main goal is to reduce drama and not bring up emotional topics in the short run.

Reconcilliation, if it's possible, could be another goal if you wanted it- but for me, a family event isn't a good time or place to bring up issues.

That is- if it is possible. If we have done something to offend/hurt someone, then we can apologize, and not repeat the behavior that caused the hurt. But accepting the apology- that is on the other person. Apologies are actually for us as well- gives us the chance to make amends.

With my BPD mother, there is a limit to a relationship with her- and that is her BPD. I think it will help you to read up on the Karpman triangle. My BPD mother sees herself in victim perspective- and I think most pwBPD do. For a victim, they are not at fault. We don't blame a victim. So any transgressions are one sided- the other person's - not them. In addition, she might perceive something I did as being hurtful to her, even if there was no intention or harm.

Similar to what happened with your sister, what seems like a lesser, repairable transgression - to my BPD mother, could result in a reaction as if I did something terrible- the worst thing ever. She can even react this way to something that isn't a transgression at all.

You have apologized to your sister- opened the door for a reconciliation. Now it's on her to allow it to happen- do her part. She has chosen to react the way she is.

I'm going to look at your message from how I think my mother would interpret it. Asking her to tell me what she's upset about- she would take this as me telling her what to do- expecting her to do something - when whatever she's angry about is "my fault" as far as she's concerned. She'd react with indignation. "It's stressful for me to pretend" My mother would react with anger at that because she'd see this as me trying to blame her or accuse her of pretending.

I wouldn't give her the card because the intent- to repair- would not be received my her. It would be seen as upsetting her. During a family event- she's also likely stressed.

I don't see behaving superficially and being cordial at a family event as pretending. I see it as matching the boundaries to the situation. Imagine your sister was your boss and this was an office holiday party. You would not be bringing up a stressful work project at the party. You also wouldn't be having emotional discussions with your boss. With your family- think of a holiday event as- not the time, not the place. Be cordial, keep boundaries.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand how tough it is to be estranged from a loved one, especially during the holidays.

I agree with the other poster about not giving your sibling the card. Trying to reconcile during a family gathering isn’t the right time or place, and you run the risk of provoking a meltdown that could ruin it for everyone.

If your sibling has BPD, it’s likely she’s angry with you for something that would seem insignificant to a normal person, but to her is twisted completely out of proportion. She might expect you to admit to all sorts of transgressions that might not have even happened. It could be a sign that something else is stressing her out in her life right now, but with her disordered thinking, somehow you are at fault. Her brain makes you the cause of her problems, because taking responsibility herself is just too painful. Rest assured, none of it is really your fault, and you shouldn’t feel responsible for your sibling’s BPD.

I think you keep the door open to a reconciliation, but she’s the one who has to walk through the door. If she’s not ready, she’ll stay away.  In the meantime, you enjoy your life and all the other wonderful people in it.

Happy holidays to you.