Merry Christmas everyone

[CoffeeFirst]

I hope you all managed to find some peace and joy.

I hosted, celebrating with my husband, son, sister-in-law and an “orphan” friend who returned to our state this year. All adults, no children.
Cooked a traditional Christmas lunch.
Walked our doggies.
It was a very nice day.
No tears. No dramas. Lots of laughter.
Thought of my estranged 22 yo daughter hundreds of times.
Did not email her this year. This is the first time I have not sent an affirming message of unconditional love.
Partly because the “experts” in family estrangement say it is a violation of her boundaries and she will be dreading it.
Partly because I am beginning to actually believe that continuing to contact and offer support to someone who sys they despise me is self flagellation. And that I deserve to move on and spend my energy and love with people who love me back.

We all have different situations, but universally, we are all doing the best that we can.
❤️

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[BPDstinks]

Happy Day After Christmas!

Thank you for sharing

I am guilty of ONE text to my daughter (pwBPD) and received a reply; sadly, I consider that a big "win"

I appreciated the comment about "boundaries" (I hope I don't break "rules"....) I am always unsure WHAT to do...so, I send one text and mail gift cards...I wish, with every ounce of my being, it was not this "difficult" and awkward

My pwBPD celebrates a 25th bday next week and I am just so sad that we will not celebrate (this is the 2nd year of this "estrangement" (all on her end

[CC43]

Happy holidays to all of you.

Like you CoffeeFirst, I had a wonderful Christmas day devoid of drama.  We hosted various family members who traveled from out of town to stay a few days.  Presents, food, goodies and walks in the snow were shared by all.  It was fun to catch up with loved ones.

As expected, my estranged stepdaughter did not show up, though she was invited and welcome to visit, even for a few minutes.  Seeing her successful siblings and fielding questions like "How's school?" is simply too much for her.  She's not ready for a reconciliation yet, because she still clings to her identity as the aggrieved, abused girl whose life was ruined by family members and friends.  I think she still expects her siblings to apologize and atone for their various sins, but they refuse to play along and confess to sins they didn't commit.  So that's one impasse.  The other is that the BPD stepdaughter feels left behind, as she hasn't graduated yet, hasn't figured out steady employment and doesn't have a boyfriend, while her siblings are doing really well with adulting.  Surely the BPD stepdaughter feels inferior and very defensive--she often says, "I'm not a child," which is a projection of her own preoccupation with feeling childish.  So the plan is to have a separate Christmas mini-celebration just with her, my husband and me, provided that she shows up.  We'll see.

Anyway, during the visit I tried to empathize with the siblings, who probably feel upset about the years-long estrangement from their sister.  I said something like, "I know this must be hard for you.  But right now, things are hard for your sister, too.  It would feel overwhelming for her to see you in person, because you're so successful with your adult lives.  She would surely feel jealous and inferior, because you seem to have everything that she doesn't.  Maybe next year, once she has graduated and figured out an employment situation, she might be on more equal footing with you.  Maybe then she'll be ready to patch things up.  In the meantime, she can focus on her studies, and you can keep focusing on all the great things you're doing."  Saying this aloud was also my way to encourage my husband not to try to force a reconciliation with his kids before they are ready, lest he provoke a blow-up and derail the progress that has been made.  I know he's hurting too.

I hope you all enjoy the holidays.  Even if there is a meltdown or a no-show, try not to take it personally--holidays can be very triggering.